Quit

I tried to quit Frank Ocean
No more sad songs
Like how I tried to quit cigarettes
No more sad habits
But I’m addicted to sadness
Because I’m just numb
unfeeling and empty without you.
I need a reality check
because I can get stuck in my head
for days, and I don’t want to be here for another year.
I haven’t found peace
I haven’t found another you
and I can’t seem to quit you.

 

 

 

I can’t escape you. I can’t get you out of my head. We’ve been everywhere together. I was driving, and this song came up. I listened happily and then I realized it was a song you showed me in high school.

 

The truth is I miss you. I miss holding you. I miss our jokes and little stories. I miss how you looked at me. I miss watching you sleep. I miss your drawings. I miss walking with you by my side. I miss the way you feel.  I think I just need to allow myself to feel all of this. I’ve been fighting it the last two days and I think its starting to eat away at me. I’m just going to let myself feel all of this. I miss your hands in mine. I miss the way you sit with your legs tucked into yourself. I miss taking you to get your eyebrows threaded. I miss kissing you in the morning and at night. I miss your unique voice. I miss how you smile with your teeth. I miss how you would curl up in my lap and ask me to brush your hair. I’m happy for the little things you did for me. I’m happy you brought milk tea for me those times after I had been working all day. I’m happy for every time you cooked for me. I’m happy you gave all of yourself to me.

The truth is I haven’t forgiven myself for how I’ve mistreated you. It’s eating away at my idea of myself. I didn’t know how to keep you while improving myself. I let my insecurities with myself and all the chaos in me tear apart our relationship. I didn’t know how to take care of myself… I’ve been smoking because it’s a microversion of killing myself. I have fucking asthma haha and I smoke. I need to be upfront with myself. I need to become better for myself. I don’t know if I’m ready to completely let you go. I don’t know if that’s even an option or possibility.

I know I did so many things wrong to you, and I have to accept them. When I miss you, I’m being selfish. It was the right thing to do. Doing the right thing isn’t supposed to be easy…. what’s the right thing to do? try to move on. Feel these things to their fullest, and try to improve myself.

ok i’mok

I think about you everyday. sometimes, I wish i can wipe you from my memory, but I know there’s some value in this feeling. Look how much I’ve grown… I don’t know what it is yet, but it’s pushing me somewhere. I wanted to be a resilient person who appreciated everything I had, but I’m clearly not that. I suppose I’m a loner, always have been, always will be. That’s not to say I don’t have people whom I care about and people who care about me. Good things will come if I don’t let this hijack my thoughts.

I got some rest after throwing out my back. I think I either sleep weird or boxing has been too explosive on my body. Either way, I’m top heavy and I need to stretch my uneven legs. Nothing new, I’ve been through this pain and I know how to recover fast now.

I don’t really know where I’m going right now. I guess I’m lost again. I want to say writing is my calling, but I’m losing conviction again. Time to get back at it. I really need to quit smoking too. I keep seeing and hearing anti-smoking shit haha.

I talk to myself a lot. Several people told me to do so in the mirror. I remember Jack told me there’s sanity in solitude. I kinda just wanna get high, but weed’s probably not good for a mental case like me haha.

One of these days, I’m going to swim in the ocean and just get high on the beach.

Watch My Resentment

I forgot to bring extra socks. Putting on sweaty, old socks is the worst feeling. Been asthmatic recently, maybe it’s allergies. Maybe it’s the cigarettes. Smoked a bunch on Friday because my tire blew out and it was a rough day with the gala coming. I should be thankful I have the resources to take care of these problems though. Everything is paid for, and I’m good. Took my parents to eat, and I felt happy and at peace for the first time in a while. It was kinda endearing seeing how happy the food made my mom and dad.

I’ve been annoyed with people around me, especially when I see they don’t help others on their own. I get annoyed when they talk a lot about themselves and say things to bolster their image of themselves. I get annoyed when they talk shit about people for trivial reasons. I need to watch these resentment because I’m letting my desire to grow consume me. I need to recognize these are aspects in me as well: selfishness, vanity, the need to put others down.  That’s being human after all…

Today I fought through my asthma during boxing. Oh it was terrible. I was coughing phlegm but I pushed through. Need to internalize moments like this to remember I can always give and endure more. 12 double unders in a row, filed my taxes for the first time, and reading Shakespeare even though it confuses me, dancing salsa even though I’m super self-conscious and holding a woman scares the shit out of me.

My coach got in my face when we were having a planking competition. It always comes down to me and this amazing old man, Jim. Fucking Jim. We were 10 minutes into planking and I was shaking like crazy. His words are burned into my ears.  “Alan you can’t beat him. You’re weak. But this is when you can change your life. Right here. You’re shaking. He’s fine. My bet’s on Jim, guys. If you give up now, Alan, you can take a break, eat a nice breakfast. Don’t you want a break? The hurt will go away.” I spluttered “there is no break!” I hanged on for as long as I could, but then he fucking pulls out a 5lb weight and he was going to put it on my back. I caved in. I wasn’t committed 100% to breaking myself.

“What are you training for?”

“Life.” I finally understand I’m training my mind, not my body.

But I need to be wary. Recently I’ve been too focused on physical output. Like writing 1000 words. I should just be writing the best work I can that day. As for my mental state, I think I’m longing for love and to love. I want to find that feeling for home as well.

Last night I had a vivid dream. I was back at your house, and went through each and every room and saw everyone there. We were in each other’s arms and looking at each other. There was sunlight on your face and you smiled at me and did that thing when you cross your eyes. I saw Anthony playing on the computer. I saw your parents watching TV together. Steph and Alvin were sitting in their bed. I went downstairs to Mr. Zhang and Lu Lu. Halo and BeBe were sitting together. Haha I woke up to a dark room and screamed at my alarm clock, I’M AWAKE!

I had an epiphany one day. Everyone will lose his lover eventually. This is something everyone will feel one day. This is not solely my pain. And the truth is we weren’t happy anymore. I did a lot of bad things. But I finally acted virtuous when I let you go, even though I gave back into those urges so many times. Thank you for being brave and respecting yourself to move on. Because I wanted to go back so many times. It was necessary. Looking back, it was the only answer after all the trauma. You will find a great, better love, and maybe there’s hope for me too.

The truth is I just want to go home. I want to return to something that doesn’t exist. It was so easy to make you my world. I need to watch out for that. I can’t just download all my problems onto someone else. I need to be virtuous because I falter. I need to be strong because I am weak. I need to be ok with being alone. No one will save me. No one gives a fuck. I am my own best bet.

“The man obsessed with succeeding has already failed.”

“the warrior burns himself out. He longs to put down his sword and to return home.”

 

 

 

 

I realize I have no connection to where I am and the people around me anymore. Maybe it’ll be better that I leave for good, move away for good. I still haven’t found the kind of relationships that push me forward. It’s been all on my own, and that’s amazing! I’m no longer afraid of driving. I can talk to anyone. I’m in the best shape of my life. I walk with confidence and my writing has been getting better. I’m incredibly hard working, and I feel as if I’m becoming uncommon among common people now. But no one helped cultivate this in me. It was just me… I think I’m longing for people to inspire me to better things, rather than always becoming that who inspires others. Is that a sign of a weakness? Maybe as David Goggins puts it, I want to be uncommon among the uncommon. I want to test my limits and be with people who have that same drive. I don’t see that around me… There’s just a lot of insecurity and people who won’t be honest with themselves, people who are really egotistic. Am I upset about this because I’m denying these aspects in myself again? I think I need today to just be alone and stew. Also i need to quit smoking. Sometimes i think it makes me more interesting as a person, but that’s stupid and weak shit.

Hope you’re doing well

Worth the listen if you’re feeling down. Whatever you’re going through, you can get past it.  He talks about overcoming abuse and a traumatic past. He really changed how I saw life and how my days go.

I box hard for 2 hrs before work, breaking my body everyday.
I work my ass off at work. Carrying heavy shit. Taking on more responsibilities. But those cookies are always a temptation…  Just scored another donation.
After work, I write for 2 & 1/2 hours.

People are looking to me as an example now. People are doing push ups with me at work. They’re jumping rope after work. People tell me I’m hardcore and people acknowledge me. My writing is getting attention. The best part is I don’t care. I finally understand I’m against myself. Be honest with yourself. Face your trauma.

I wasn’t self-pitying myself with my previous posts. I really did have to kill my previous self.  I’m not him anymore. And you don’t have to be who you were anymore either. We gotta be better. That’s our debt to each other; that’s what we both wish for.  Like I feel sad, but I’m just a sad person. I accept that and I know what I have to do to watch out for it. Don’t let the bad thoughts take over your mind. You’re better than the trauma I put you through. You’re loving, creative, and incredibly enduring. You’re compassionate and you’re the one person I know who has a bigger heart than me.

Eat not always because you’re hungry, but eat because you need to be strong to get through shit. It’s a lot better than a panic attack. You gotta sleep too. You know all this.  Good luck, bruh.