Our director gave us a book as an admission present. I’m only 25 pages in, but it’s elucidating. There were periods where I would oscillate between the two mentalities. And yeah, the periods of immense growth I was in the growth mentality (duh). From what I got, it was about growing and expanding myself rather than finding success. I always summarized those periods down as moments I chose to be brave. They were moments I chose to be a beginner again.
At my lowest moments, I was in a fixed mentality. I think how I see my future relationships was framed by a fixed mentality as well. All I thought of was, this is how I’ll love so I rather not love again. Or this is what I know and if she can’t accept this as me, then she’s not who I’ll end with. But I should see this dating period as a learning lesson as how to be playful in relationships, how to be happy on my own, and truly grasp the lesson that only I can fill the void in me.
Thinking back, one of the most memorable traits of Lily’s dad, was how playful he presented himself in life. He would always whistle, sing his children’s names, and just carried himself with a happiness. I want to show that to my children if I have any. Happiness is something you can teach and practice…
Anyways, I’m too fixated on finding someone, but I should be happy with myself… for everything I’ve accomplished. This is only the beginning though! It’s too early to celebrate. I didn’t work this hard to fail here. I have 2 weeks off. I’m too poor to travel, so I’m just going to train myself mentally, physically, and get ready for probably the toughest year of my life. It’ll be a challenge, but it’s exactly what I prayed for – I’m on a path of growth.
It’s been a while…I hope you’re happy!