For me, the only way to make it through that was to feed off my depression. I had to flip it and convince myself that all that self-doubt and anxiety was confirmation that I was no longer living an aimless life.
Write down all the things you don’t like to do or that make you uncomfortable.
I don’t want to be jobless again. I don’t want to feel like I don’t have a place I belong. The idea of being completely on my own scares me. The idea of staying at my job grinds me down because the truth is I don’t think this place will do me any good. I comfort myself telling myself that right now I’m helping others, that I’m doing something with writing. But the truth is I don’t know what it is I’m doing. I’m trying to make the best of my situation. I’m trying to challenge myself. I gave myself a year. Now it’s going to be another year. I know I gotta be smart about things this time. I can’t just quit because that’ll land me in a world of hurt.
I don’t want to go back to school because I’m afraid. The truth is I’m afraid of wasting time again. Of not doing what I need to do, or being too afraid of doing what’s necessary. For the last few weeks, I put off the idea of school. It’ll cost too much money. I don’t want be jaded again. The truth is I didn’t get enough out of college because I didn’t push myself. I didn’t put myself out there enough. I was an anxious fuck. I was depressed because I wasn’t honest with myself. If I’m to go back to school, I gotta map it out. I gotta start learning again. I gotta go through all the bullshit with registration. And I can’t call it bullshit anymore. It’s what I need to do.
Maybe there’s a way I can do school and work at the same time. I’ll take online classes and work during the day. I already wake up at 5 every day. I already stay after work to write and read. Nothing will be different except I’ll have an institution to climb the ranks. I need that. Homework and tests, there’s all of this outside of school or not. But the rewards are there for me to reap this time. Because I’ll watch out for the footfalls.
When I look into the mirror, I see someone worth saving. Despite all my shit, despite years of failure and not being strong enough, I think there’s a diamond in the rough in me.
There are no shortcuts for you.
This is true for me too. There are no shortcuts. If I didn’t rep in that pull up or if I don’t get that donation, that’s the difference between success and failure. I need to return to those high stakes mentality. There’s something in me that needs to be worked out. When I read Goggins felt trapped in himself, it resonated too well with me. I was teary-eyed. No more eating to feel something. No more shying away from my responsibilities. There’s someone worth saving in me….
And when it comes to Love, well, I’m not ready to love someone. It’s all distractions from the work I need to put into myself. I want someone to be my world so I don’t have to do the shit I need to. And this is overly dramatic, but I already loved my heart out. If I don’t love again, so be it.