Let me talk about dreams. Because I realized this world isn’t as pretty as I thought it’d be. There’s a whole lot of nothing in between these shopping malls, these cracked asphalt, these businesses struggling. Wherever I go, I see the world in money. How much does that cost? How much does it cost to do anything? How much does it cost to keep your friends? How much does it cost to keep your family’s love?
Childhood is a dream, and even then it was a nightmare. Every day I thought this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. Where the fuck did you go? I’ve watched those planes, wondering which was yours for years. Why do you only yell and hit me? Why do we only fucking yell? And when I erupt, why do you look at me like that? Like you don’t know where it came from.
But that shit is long dead. I’ve killed it and buried it. And now I smile at you. I smile at everyone. Because if you know, then you know that you don’t know. I’ve been meditating. I’ve been reading. I’ve been writing my anxieties and fears away. They’ll tell you the shit you go through is purposeful. I guess I’m grateful. Because I saw the ugly and now I know the beautiful.
Kendrick Lamar inspire me. Marcus Aurelius teach me because god knows I didn’t learn shit in school. Tolkien and Martin, can I dream with you guys? Can I chain the words together?
In the meantime I’ll walk the walk and I’ll talk the talk. I’ll wear the clothes that they tell you to wear. But I know this isn’t me. Who the fuck am I? I hate that question because the answers aren’t pretty. But I’ll reinvent myself as I invent another world.
I am peace. I am kindness. I am love. I am good, so I do good. This is the man I dream to be. Let me put it into practice. Wanna see a mental somersault? I see good wherever I go. I tell myself if I look into the details, if I can comb through this tangle of shit, I’ll find happiness and love.
Every day I return to the drawing board. Read the list and count my blessings. Check them off and throw out whatever prayer I got. This is the life. This is me. There is only one of me.
If you look around you, then you’ll know. You’ll know that you don’t know. Everyone is going through shit. We’re all just caught in ourselves, caught up in this push and pull, and I’m running to the light at the end of the tunnel.