A little too introspective

My mind is sand upon a shore. Every morning, I build my castle from the ruins. And I watch the waves, ripple after ripple, anxious, breathless, with the knowledge that all will be destroyed when I lay to rest. I’ve longed denied that this is the nature of myself, and in that denial, I relapse into weakness. I look to others in some tortuous exercise. What do they have that I lack? How are they so blessed while I inherently damaged? Well, today I’ve found some clarity. Shut the fuck up. How much shit do I have to purge from my mind? These conspirators, they want my castle aflame. They are arsonists. How they search for any fuel to start my destruction. And yet, they are undoubtedly me. I am at war with myself.

If not the fires of my own evils, then its the waters of an indifferent world. It’s high waters now. The shore, everyday, is being eaten. Every morning, I stare to sea, trying to understand the nature of this world. I’m trying to see the goodness. Excuse me, I’ve been wearing my negative lenses for some time now. I see love. I see good-will. I see family and friends. And I tell myself these are good. These are the only good. But how do I see the good in myself, when they told me I was shit for so long? Fuck that. Fuck this schizophrenic exercise. I am me. I am my problems as anyone is his. It’s time to make peace.

I am not fucking sand. I’m not fucking king. I’m over-complicating it. I am me. And I wish I can just shed my evils, but this is some life-long shit. This is until death. I am losing my focus. I lost sight of my dream. I lost the beauty of my words. But I’ll find it all. I’ll find it again.

 

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alanwrites

unadulterated writing straight from my head entiendoenglish@gmail.com