I’ve been preoccupied with time lately. As an exercise of gratitude, I imagine myself a year ago. I try to remember all the problems I thought I’d never overcome. There was this dread that I’d never escape; that whatever situation I was in was this fixed reality. I suppose that was immature of me.
It’s kind of amazing/scary how much things can change in a year, let alone a few weeks, even in a day.
I like to change my appearance to remind myself of this control. I grow my hair out. I shave myself bald. I grow out a mustache. I get a tattoo. These are all superficial of course. I quit my job. I do nothing all day. I do something today. I do many things today. I think we’re all oblivious to the effects of these seemingly minuscule acts. In the grand scheme of things, they seem meaningless. But nothing seems important when you step back that much. It’s through these little acts every day that you end up somewhere different and hopefully somewhere better. It just sucks when you go through it, every second, every minute, every hour until everything is different. Or they’re not…
Maybe that’s why having faith is important. If not faith in a God, faith in yourself. Sometimes I wish I believed in God or Buddha or something because I don’t have a lot of faith in myself. I prayed for the first time in my life. I took too many edibles and lost control of my limbs. I couldn’t speak or think properly. I saw a tunnel split in 4, each with their own hallucinations and colors. I just had this inkling that there was this whole spectrum of things outside of myself that I would no longer have a grasp over; I was staring through my eyes with a distorted glass and I just had this vague understanding that I was not OK. I thought how my family would have to support me, and how I failed them when they needed me. I thought of how I would just be this vegetable. I was so afraid I prayed. I prayed that I would be better. Two days later, I felt myself recovering. But I had this horrible realization that some people only know that reality of being barely conscious -that vague understanding of their actions and the effects of their action on their surroundings and the people immediate to them. It’s stupid I had to go through that just to appreciate being able to walk, talk, drive, write, having a grasp on things.
It’s weird how much I can keep mining into myself. It’s a lot funner being outside. It’s like being able to breathe again. Let’s climb out of my head, and end on a happy note. Time + Effort = Something Better.