Dear you,

I have no place saying this but choose him; choose happiness with your complete being. Yes, the fear is there -the fear that things will be the same as it were with me. But life’s too tragic not to, believe me. This is coming from someone who is depressed all the fucking time, for as long as I can remember. Life’s not worth living if it’s just that constant misery. If he is the man who can provide you happiness, then choose him with your complete self. And there is the risk of pain, but that comes with every decision, every relationship. The feelings of love will follow. You have to give it time, and let it grow as it did with you and me. And of course you deserve it despite how damaged you might feel. I have nothing to offer you but haunted memories and sadness. He can offer you everything I have and more. He is ready to help you, and he makes you happy. It’s up to you to respect yourself, set your boundaries, and establish what you need from him. Love yourself, and treat yourself like you would a friend. That goes beyond your next relationship. Would you want your friend to starve herself? To purge after her meals? To not sleep? No, you’d probably freak out and lecture her. It’s time you treat yourself better. There are things you have to work on yourself, but maybe he can help you. He can go along your journey of self-improvement. He won’t be as tyrannical as I was because you’ll set the boundaries this time. Not everyone will be like me. I received great life advice from a mentor I looked up to in my last job. It’s never too late until it’s too late. So if you don’t like yourself, then keep trying to change, which I’m sure you’re doing.  One day you’ll become the charismatic, confident, tough person you’ve been striving to become. I can tell you’re becoming this person already. But once in a while, take a breather and stop reprimanding yourself. You have to acknowledge all your progress as well. Don’t let others tyrannize you, but you can’t tyrannize yourself either. As for the sadness, there will never stop being sadness. This piece of mind and ultimate happiness waiting to be obtained will never fucking come. Stop hurting yourself too much along the way. You’re meant to share your pain with people; it’s not leaning on them. They want to share their troubles with you too. And if romantic feelings form, then that’s fucking awesome. And if you’re having existential problems, makes sure your basic needs are being met first. I read a lot of the existential problems we think we have stem from hunger, thirst, not enough affection or socialization. Don’t let all the damage I’ve done to you bog you down anymore. Tell people. Talk to them. I told people all the terrible things I’ve done to you. I confessed it all while they stood there in shock. I will bear my self-hatred. But you, you don’t deserve to hurt anymore. Not you. It’s OK to be happy. Sometimes if a little happiness comes your way, its OK to enjoy it. I think that’s all we get sometimes, and you deserve to be happy. Listen to your women friends too. They have better perspective about this shit than I do. I don’t have anymore pretty words. Writing this felt like dying. And I know I’m being hypocritical.