From Man and His Symbol

“Our attitude must be like that of the mountain pine: it does not get annoyed when its growth is obstructed by a stone, nor does it make plans about how to overcome the obstacles. It merely tries to feel whether it should grow more to the left or to the right, toward the slope or away from it. Like the tree, we should give in to this almost imperceptible yet powerfully dominating impulse, an impulse that comes from the urge toward unique creative self -realization. And this is a process in which one must repeatedly seek out and find something that is not yet known to anyone. The guiding hints or impulses comes not from the ego, but from the totality of the psyche: the Self.

Each of us has an unique task of self-realization.”

Dear you,

I have no place saying this but choose him; choose happiness with your complete being. Yes, the fear is there -the fear that things will be the same as it were with me. But life’s too tragic not to, believe me. This is coming from someone who is depressed all the fucking time, for as long as I can remember. Life’s not worth living if it’s just that constant misery. If he is the man who can provide you happiness, then choose him with your complete self. And there is the risk of pain, but that comes with every decision, every relationship. The feelings of love will follow. You have to give it time, and let it grow as it did with you and me. And of course you deserve it despite how damaged you might feel. I have nothing to offer you but haunted memories and sadness. He can offer you everything I have and more. He is ready to help you, and he makes you happy. It’s up to you to respect yourself, set your boundaries, and establish what you need from him. Love yourself, and treat yourself like you would a friend. That goes beyond your next relationship. Would you want your friend to starve herself? To purge after her meals? To not sleep? No, you’d probably freak out and lecture her. It’s time you treat yourself better. There are things you have to work on yourself, but maybe he can help you. He can go along your journey of self-improvement. He won’t be as tyrannical as I was because you’ll set the boundaries this time. Not everyone will be like me. I received great life advice from a mentor I looked up to in my last job. It’s never too late until it’s too late. So if you don’t like yourself, then keep trying to change, which I’m sure you’re doing.  One day you’ll become the charismatic, confident, tough person you’ve been striving to become. I can tell you’re becoming this person already. But once in a while, take a breather and stop reprimanding yourself. You have to acknowledge all your progress as well. Don’t let others tyrannize you, but you can’t tyrannize yourself either. As for the sadness, there will never stop being sadness. This piece of mind and ultimate happiness waiting to be obtained will never fucking come. Stop hurting yourself too much along the way. You’re meant to share your pain with people; it’s not leaning on them. They want to share their troubles with you too. And if romantic feelings form, then that’s fucking awesome. And if you’re having existential problems, makes sure your basic needs are being met first. I read a lot of the existential problems we think we have stem from hunger, thirst, not enough affection or socialization. Don’t let all the damage I’ve done to you bog you down anymore. Tell people. Talk to them. I told people all the terrible things I’ve done to you. I confessed it all while they stood there in shock. I will bear my self-hatred. But you, you don’t deserve to hurt anymore. Not you. It’s OK to be happy. Sometimes if a little happiness comes your way, its OK to enjoy it. I think that’s all we get sometimes, and you deserve to be happy. Listen to your women friends too. They have better perspective about this shit than I do. I don’t have anymore pretty words. Writing this felt like dying. And I know I’m being hypocritical.

Can’t Blame You

Your words cut like knives

But I’m happy you’re doing things for yourself

I still wish you the best

Whether that’s with me or not

I’m sorry you’re not eating

Remember I tried to help too

I’m sorry you’re hurting

I’m not trying to sway you

I’m just as hurt and confused

I’m just as hopeful for you

But I’m a lot more than pretty words

I just need to write or I can’t escape…

It breaks my heart to hear you’re not well

You deserve better and that’s why I want to be better

Whether you’ll come back or not

 

I wrote this back in May… I’m sad you see me as an asshole, but I accept I was never good to begin with. It’s something I’m working on.

My 8 year relationship ended because we want the best for each other, and we finally recognize and acknowledge that we are not the best for each other. Despite all the work, despite the nights talking, despite trying time and time, we had to let each other go. Because she deserved much better, and if I were truly thinking of her best interest, I would admit that I had not treated her better. Therefore, as I laid alone in that field at a concert, I decided to give her the chance to find someone better.

Take care of yourself; I can’t handle the idea of you hurting. I hope you eat more, sleep more, and laugh more. I’m glad he helps you and I’m glad he makes you feel loved. I wish I was the man I am today for you back then. But I know that couldn’t have happened without first losing you. Just remember I left you because I doubted whether I could make you happy anymore. I wanted you to be with someone who could love you with his all. I want to be that person again. But in a weird way, I got my wish. Wubba.

Frank Ocean – Ivy

My mind is like my room, which I need to clean

When I see your car model, I get excited it’s you. I’m retracing our steps. Through the parks, I see our ghosts. I lie down where we should have laid down. I confess I don’t know the extent to how I’ve changed. I’m premature with my proclamations. Today, I feel at peace. It’s up in the air whether we’ll be together again. And it’s certainly out of my control. In the meantime, I’m going to become something amazing. I can’t pause life… It’s a lot of work just to take a few steps forward, but doing nothing, staying still seems like death.

I just gotta find my peace. Remind myself sometimes the little joys I encounter daily is enough. Those things are meant to be savored. I ate too many cookies. What else… Keep myself busy. Try to do work when I feel down, and to meditate. Keep the adventures coming. Talk and listen to strangers more. All good things. I hope you’re happy and I hope you sleep enough.

Can’t Sleep Gotta Write

You were a sweet voice in the morning

A hand to hold when I felt lost

Laughter at midnight and an embrace that warmed me

Pirate teeth that you no longer wear

You were a friend and a lover

I held you close and you made the world a little less scary

Dear lost love. How are you doing? I’m doing well. I’m finding more meaning in my job. I’m connecting with my parents. I like how I look in the mirror. I have more tattoos and some interesting scars from my misadventures. I have a lot to tell you when I meet you again one day. I understand myself and what I need a lot more now. I’m not abandoning my sense of self as much anymore. I hope you’re finding yourself well. Life is good if you look for good things. I’m sure you know this already. Sleep tight tonight.

 

 

 

A musing after I scraped my fucking thumb

One does not value the good until the good has been stripped away from him. Case in point, I really wish I still had the strip of skin on my thumb. Every time I brush against something, it fucking hurts. This level of appreciation is unnatural though. Who goes through their days, praising the skin on his thumb? Conversely, this lack of appreciation can contort the most wonderful things one can possess in life. How does one straddle the line between delusion and truth then? Are things as good/bad as one makes it? Perhaps, in the end, a person only has his perspective; to lose is to widen one’s perspective. Enough neckbeard philosopher talk: I miss you.

To the schizophrenic woman who thanked me for chasing away the man attacking you, did you know I’m no better than him? If you knew the meaning behind the branding on my hand, maybe you’d be better off running away from me as well. In fact, I’m probably worse of a person than he, considering I hurt the one I loved the most. When I looked into your eyes, I saw the same look of fear and panic I saw in her eyes. The look haunts me. And after all your babbling, I only offered you ‘sorry I can’t help you’. Maybe I did all that to prove to myself I’m not a bad person. Truth be told, I’m as evil as they come. To you, my lost love, I pray every day –yes I pray now– for your safety and happiness. A few days ago, I found myself on the temple steps in tears. The rising prayers chilled me to my bones because I finally surrendered. There is nothing I can do to bring you back to me. So I prayed for your safety, happiness, and that you reach all your goals. I was a fucking mess that day. It’s a little funny now to be honest –how utterly pathetic I must have appeared to the passersbys. Who cares though. I’m trying to find my patience. There’s a song that brings me peace and hope: Lumineers Holding Out. It’s from the movie Storks, which I want to watch now! I don’t know, maybe it’s just delusional hope. Maybe it’s faith. I really don’t know lately.