This isn’t easy. It’s one of the most emotionally painful and tiring things I’ve endured; there are days I lose hope. My body feels heavy. I’m moving through fog now. This rope we had around each other had been severed, at least externally and superficially. I know there’s still a faint, almost invisible thread connecting us. If I’ve truly changed, then I need to be patient. I must follow the thread at the pace I’m allowed. Sure, I want to scream your name, but I must delay my own gratification. I must stifle emotional outbursts. This pain is the price to pay; it’s my fare back to you.
2017 and 2018 have been the most painful, incredibly formative, and the most fun years of my life.
2017, I left a dead end job for an office job, which I’ve always dreaded. I figured it was what responsible adults did. The commute was 2 hours one way, so I’d wake up at 5AM every day. Every morning, I would make an egg for Lily, until she was sick of eggs! I remember kissing her goodbye every morning. Well I couldn’t afford to be weak anymore, so I went to the gym every day as well. I became a lot stronger than I ever imagined. I was lifting almost 4 plates for squats and deadlifts, 2 for bench! Of course I still had this dream of writing a novel. Every day, after this incredibly boring data entry job, where my co-workers didn’t like me much, I went to a Portos to write my greatest novel haha. (This is the second book I wrote, and it wasn’t very good. But it was definitely a learning experience!)
The job left me horribly unbalanced. I did my best to stay positive and work hard. To make it straightforward, I was simply not a good fit for the environment and people. But my denial of this lead to months of contemplation of suicide. Many days I found my way 40 floors up, and stuck one foot over the ledge. After my Acid trip, I quit. Life was not worth living if I kept to that life.
Simultaneously, my parent’s housing situation began to fall through. My dad has never been too responsible. To his credit, he was the only parent working while my mom fought through mild schizophrenia and depression as she tried to raise my sister and me. But my dad’s greatest mistake has hurt two families. I’ll leave it as that. Anyways, he racked up an exorbitant amount of debt. My family began to fight and it was very emotional. Bankruptcy was the plan. But then it would fall upon my sister to take care of them when she finished medical school. This didn’t sit well with me.
I went to the only person I knew who could help us. I went to Lily’s mom. Through the years, she offered to pay off my student loans in one, single day. I always refused. I never wanted to ask for money despite those years struggling. But this was different. There was a way to help my family, so I begged her to help. Oh how my pride hurt… She and Steph really helped us, and together we agreed to a caveat that would give my family time and money, but ultimately protect my sister from spending the rest of her life raising my parents. Medical school is difficult enough!
Through this, I kept writing when I applied to a writing job for a nonprofit in Hollywood. It was quite the boost of confidence when the director said he was impressed with my writing! Well I had money then, and I decided to move out. In my mind, I knew I had to leave home to become a stronger person who could help them later on.
Lily and I moved in with my best friend, Spencer. It was idyllic until it wasn’t. Spencer’s girlfriend committed suicide. I remember the day Lily called me and I kept saying ‘what’ in disbelief. I told my boss and immediately left work. We were all in tears. Well from then I did my best to be even more supportive and loving for so many people, I lost myself. I became angry because I always put my needs second. I adopted a victim mindset rather than own up and become a fucking man. I had planned a concert with Lily and Spencer, during which things build up and I lost it. I broke up with Lily that day. It was ugly and everyone was staring. Some people were laughing lol. The three of us drove back, missing the act I wanted to see.
After we dropped off Lily at her parent’s, Spencer said something insensitive about how his loss was greater and I was reduced to tears. I told him he should stop discounting my problems. I told him he was a horrible, selfish friend. I told him all I ever did was try for Lily and him. And he has no idea of what it was like to try so hard, to give your complete self, and watch it fail.
I lived at the place, but we stopped talking. I had lost the two most important people of my life. I was alone. Without being redundant, my story On Being Alone is a fictionalized version of finding myself again. I am thankful for my adventures and the people I met during that time. Thank you Jack and Tara.
Well during my adventures, Spencer’s mom had a mild stroke. Her business fell through. Hearing this, I remember I had this thought I was a curse to everyone around me. I wanted to commit suicide right then too this time by hanging. But seeing the funeral of Spencer’s girlfriend gave me a lot of perspective about the important things in life. I realized I had to put aside my anger and to help them. During this, I became more honest and respected my own boundaries. I helped him through those difficult times, and we’re brothers now.
Without making this post too long, my parent’s situation has become precarious again. But my sister and I have to remain strong and not let this overwhelming pessimism reign. I have to be the light for my family –I have to bring happiness when I can and to keep everyone together. This is something I can do. I must become the person to guide them, to help them, to support them. While I may not be able to provide much financially yet, I know I can provide hope, a sense of unity, and peace. I was raised to think these things are stupid and useless, but I now know these are things people need to continue down the darkest paths. I guided my best friend from his girlfriend’s suicide. I can guide others then. I must become a warrior ready to face my depression, my anxieties, the discomforts of each day, to defeat it, and become the man I’ve always wanted to become.
How I’ll achieve my dreams:
5AM – Wake the fuck up. It’s so hard.
5:10AM – Light exercise: 50 goblet squats, 50 deadlifts, 50 pushups, 50 situps
5:30AM – Shower, no more than 10 min.
5:40AM – Meditate 10 min
5:50AM – Eat light breakfast, pack lunch if there is food.
6:00AM – Get to Lee’s and write Mo Rose story/ thoughts, read something.
7:40AM – Leave and drive to work
8:50-9AM – Arrive at work
9AM – 5PM – Do my best work, to take pride in my work – I’m helping thousands of people with my writing! Maintain an unconquerable spirit, remember to maintain my center, be nice/ empathetic to everyone
5PM – Lock up, run for an hour
6PM – Drive back home
7:10-7:30PM – Get home, chill out, don’t take driving so seriously. We’re essentially standing in line
7:30-10:30PM: relax, eat, shower, skateboard, and maybe some Pokemon lol.
“You never arrive until you are dead.”
I hope you have a great trip. I hope you come back with great experiences and stories to share with me. I hope you grow in the ways you need to. And if you’ll have me, I’ll see you Decemeber 24th midnight.