“The problem with attachment isn’t you can’t own anything. The problem is not letting go when you’re meant to let go.” Something along that lines. Jordan Peterson said this. He’s awesome.
Breathe in the rain like I breathed you in. I hear the pitter patter, and I’m lost in thought. My insides twist when I think of you with someone else. But I will never blame you. I will never harbor hate if you never come back. I don’t know if this means anything to you, but I believe you’re the one. Not now, but one day. Sure, I’m pretty fucking sad now. But I can wait. I imagine if I had you back in my life right now, I wouldn’t even know what to do; I have forgotten what it was like when I built my life around you. It’s just this terrible longing now. I admit I’d be overjoyed if I saw you. But that’s too easy. I’m not done growing yet, and neither are you.
When I think of love, I think it can go two ways. I can love many persons in a life time. And this is true and not incorrect in any way. This is reality as I’ve asked many of my friends, family, and people I’ve stumbled across in a sad haze. But what if I choose you, Pikachu? What if I choose to give meaning to our past, to our many days, to all our fights, pain, laughter, to this powerful sadness I’m feeling for you that I feel I can almost reach your wavelength? This all sounds Gatsby, but hear me out: After all my misadventures, I’ve reached this epiphany of sorts; there’s no wrong or right way to live life. It’s my fucking life. I only have one life, and I’m choosing to wait.
I’ve been delving into Nietzsche and Jung. I had this fear that if I allow time to tear us apart, we will become two very different, incompatible people. This is with the idea that growth and progression is linear. But then I read Jung’s circumambulation:
“I began to understand that the goal of psychic development is the self. There is no linear evolution; there is only a circumambulation of the self. Uniform development exists, at most, at the beginning; later, everything points toward the centre. This insight gave me stability, and gradually my inner peace returned.”
I am me and you are you. Our growth will always be this radiation of our cores. And I understand you at your core. I don’t mean to frighten you when I say that. But I’ve really tried to understand you throughout our years. There’s something about you and I that I can’t articulate. I was drawn to you, as you me. There’s something powerful about that, I think. Back then, I didn’t accept your fragility, so I didn’t love you properly. But that was due to my own insecurities. That’s what I meant when I said, you were never enough because I was never enough.
I was riddled with anxiety that I would walk the same path as my father. In my self-discovery, I had to recognize that I embodied many similar traits to him. He was never satisfied with one woman either, as I’ve learned from my mom. He always looked to others to fulfill him. But it was always with “good intention”. He wanted to help the many women he met. He wanted to provide because that’s how he shows affection. And I’m sure it was ego-driven. My dad embodies many qualities of my shadow; he’s incredibly driven and hard-working. He’s independent, resourceful, and self-sufficient. But he lacks introspection. Interestingly, these are my stronger qualities. I will cultivate these qualities inherent in me, but I will learn to find fulfillment in myself so that I can become a stronger partner.
I’m also learning there’s intimacy available wherever I go. It might not be the romantic type, but I’m finding fulfillment in many other relationships. I’m sharpening my ability to make people feel at ease. I feel as if I can talk to anyone lately. I wear my scars openly and I’m not afraid to share them. When I’m with my family, I can tell I make them happy. I take my mom out to eat as I’ve always wished to. I make my co-workers and Boss laugh, and I’m putting in the work to help them succeed. I’m advising my best friend and he’s a lot more receptive. I really feel like he’s my brother now. I care less what people think of me. I’m shirtless all the time and I look damn good. Kindness is my strength and my happiness.
Anyways, there’s this Jungian idea that at the end of development, there is the return to the child, but with all the acquired knowledge from the journey. I’m not saying I’m done growing. It’s been a hellish time, but I do feel stronger, braver, and more charismatic than ever. But you are my childhood. I grew up with you and I feel that one day I’ll return to you. At least I hope so with all my being. I feel a lot of pain because I’m not letting you go completely. I think about you every day. I had to lose you to really understand that I wanted you all along. This isn’t to pressure you. Please don’t misinterpret this as a manipulation. I don’t think I can even sway you anymore anyways, and that’s great. I just want you to be happy and safe the most. And if he makes you happy, then I’m happy.
Just know I’m always here for you. It sounds terribly corny, but you’ll always have a place in my heart. I think that’s true for anyone and their exs. That’s why it hurts so much… And you might never reciprocate these feelings, but that’s some powerfully poetic shit right there (I have thought of becoming a monk) So in the least you’re motivating me to write –sad writer cliché, you know? Take care of yourself. I’m proud of you. I’m always rooting for you. Watch me become something amazing.