Making Sense of It
8 years ago, I asked you what you wanted most in life. Happiness, you told me. Love I answered to you.
I skated in the rain for hours when I saw your car parked outside my place. Lighting flashed across the sky. I laughed to the thunder. “I don’t care! I’m staying! This is amazing. I get a chance to see you!” The downpour soaked my clothes, and I felt bliss. My stomach twisted when I saw your silhouette. I called your name. “Hey! I gotta use the bathroom,” You called back to me.
“Why are you so dramatic?”
“Because I’m wild! I like doing dumb shit.”
Hear me out. I have a better answer now. I know it doesn’t have to be so extreme. I could have waited on the couch or whatever. But I want to prove to myself my conviction; this is how I know my feelings go beyond convenience. Jordan Peterson made the argument that Abraham sacrificing his son Isaac is rather dramatized because 1. it poetically drives home the point that faith goes beyond reason 2. shit in life will force you to meet extremes and at that point you can’t ask why. Why do anything in life? I remember an idea from Stoicism –that one should willingly face discomfort to build tolerance and strength. I’m starting to sound like a meathead.
I sat by you and listened to your breathing. You had a little too much to drink so you slept. I bought you your favorite Taco Bell burrito and I’m remembering the times I’ve glanced over to you sleeping. I couldn’t believe you were next to me again. I stayed up all night to fall in love. I held you close only to say goodbye in the morning. Who knows when we’ll see each other again. You and I know we won’t force it this time. But this I feel in my bones, my blood, my blueprints; you’re the one. A digression: I’ve had this feeling 3 times in my life, and 2 out of the 3 holds true to me. 1. I’m meant to do something with writing. I got my job because of my writing and I will surely work and write something beautiful. 2. Spencer and I will be best friends. I had this feeling at thirteen. 3. You and I
Will things be different? Yes! I know I can live without you. But you would make me damn happy. And that’s how I know I’ll appreciate all of you now. You are your own person, and my happiness is my responsibility. I watched you in the dimmed lights. You said to me, “It’s funny. It’s like we switched. You want happiness now. And I want love.”
“I promise to smoke less if you promise not to purge as much.”
“Let’s promise to be as happy as we can, moment by moment. Let’s choose happiness. Life’s not worth living if it’s constant misery.”
“I know what I want”
I went to get my car checked. At the dealership, I met Juan, who recently got engaged to his girlfriend of 10 years.
Congratulations, I said with all my heart, that’s awesome.
Thank you man really appreciate that, he replied, do you have a girl?
I did. I recently ended an 8 year relationship, but I realized she’s the one. I told her my feelings and I’m going to wait for her. I don’t care if she sees other people. I want her to be happy.
Oh that’s good to hear, but you shouldn’t hold onto her. You can’t pause life. You should get out there too that way you won’t bitter if it does work out between you two.
You know my best friend said that to me too. I appreciate you guys telling me this.
He’s a good friend. He’s watching out for you. Yeah what he says is true, and it comes from a good place.
Yeah, you guys are completely right. But I realize I don’t need a person to be happy. I’m finding happiness on my own, so I don’t want anyone else. I want her. That’s how I know, you know?
He smiled at me.
I have this plant in my old room, at my parent’s place. There were four stalks fitted in a glass bowl. I watered them religiously, but they couldn’t grow. One day, I overwatered the bowl and one began to die. Only from its death, did the other three continue grow. I took this as a sign that I was meant to leave home; only by leaving, can I develop into a person capable of helping them. I’m happy I did.