I had an affair with dying
that I had almost forgotten I committed to living.
While dying made me feel alive,
By some luck, I saw the end;
Death offered me everything life did not
–death offered me nothing.
Untangle my flesh from your skeletal hold
How cold your bones felt, I kissed you goodbye
and left our dark bedroom
Yes, I had almost forgotten
I committed to living.
Be my own person I wrote on my mirror
When I only want to be yours
I’m budgeting my checks for you and me
When I know you wouldn’t want that
When I reach for my phone
Can you feel my sadness
Can you feel my happiness
When I read your letters
I’m hurting for you when I know I shouldn’t
I didn’t make you happy anymore
So I had to sever our cord
Can’t you see it wasn’t easy
It was the most difficult thing
I loved you with everything I knew
But it was the only way
It was the only way you could be your own person;
It was the only way I could become good for you.
I am of two worlds, two disparate gravities
Stand at the border, and feel the two callings
One part universal Lizard, the other cosmic Monkey
It’s a tight-rope walk between the two
‘Walk the line!’ A voice jabs at me, ‘Move!’
To the right, boredom and death
To the left, a pit of madness
Pick a side, sometimes you just fall
Look to those in galaxias, they’re not so different
They’re trying to balance.
Death & Cookies
I stood at death’s door
He beckoned me in with a noose
“I can offer you relief and cookies.”
Well I like both of those things
“Are you ready?”
I have loved, lost, and I have suffered. I forgave my abusers and instead I have given happiness to those around me. I know I have caused pain to many too, but I lived my best to not do so. I know if I leave I will ruin those around me.
“Such is the pity of suicide. The only relief is yours while everyone around you suffers. But our cookies are to die for…”
I catch the scent of vanilla. That better not be oatmeal raisin.
“Fool! Death by chocolate means chocolate chip, your favorite… There’s no going back.”
I wish to be free of my desires, but my desires put me on a path to something more than myself…
Death shrugged. “The choice is always yours.”
It varies day by day. Today I do not feel as strong. I will rest. I will eat. Take a good shit. See people I love. I will bring happiness to those around you. Keep writing. And when I return, I plan to stand here knowing I lived a life worth living.
Me in Time, Me and My Dreams, You
My best friend asked me how I would define myself, and right then I had a really honest answer: I am an ordinary person trying to be extraordinary. I put myself on an 18 hour day schedule. I run, hating myself for smoking the night before. I write at Lee’s in the early morning. I read after work. It’s strange –all this extra time is just more time missing you.
The last of my two dreams, I dreamed about my dad. One dream he told me to let you go because he says that’s apart of life. he tried to give me a shot that would cure me. I refused it. I fought him. I was obstinate I didn’t want to be like him. My dad also had a 10 year relationship before my mom. I don’t think they really loved each other, and I recognize that as my father’s mistake. He embodies strong qualities in myself, but maybe I don’t have to accept his reality.
Another, my family and I were looking for my dad, even though he was literally right with us. Stranger yet, Tara was with us and she was most enthusiastic about helping me find him. My family kept telling me how beautiful she is. We found Sifu Ben working in a fast food chain. He left work happy with his wife after. I’m not sure what to make of this one. I did recognize Sifu Ben as a father figure for those few years. There’s some Jung stuff about father archetypes. I will look into this later.
I dream a lot about being with you again, and I find myself really happy. It always sucks waking up, cold and dreary mornings and I’m fully conscious. I need to not lose myself in my dreams for you.