Thoughts on Love, Emotions, and Fate

I don’t think I believe in one, true love. I think if time goes on, I might likely find another person. As you might too. But I do believe there are forces greater than myself pointing me to you. This all sounds like mysticism bologna. It really is a strange feeling; when I really meditate on us, when I concentrate on our story together, the best way I can articulate it is that we’ve lived many lives together, and that I’m meant to love you right this life. When I read Jung’s idea about synchronicity (a similar Chinese idea is yuanfen), it immediately clicked with me. It’s this idea that there are sometimes coincidences in life that can be interpreted as having meaning. Of course, he argues that this could just be the brain trying to make sense of things, an attempt to create a narrative to what can be utter chaos. But in a mental exercise, why not try to make sense of the chaos? It is there. Why not find meaning in the strangeness of you and me?

It’s the same as how I see nihilism. If nothing matters, then why exist? Why do anything? Why not just kill oneself? To me, it’s too easy and convenient. Nihilism is the acceptance of chaos and impotence. I found that on the opposite spectrum of nihilism, where everything matters, where every second counts, where there is this immense responsibility and ownership, I can almost justify the meaning of my existence. A profound happiness swept over me; everything I did and everything that happened to me led me here. It’s not always clear, and the best it amounts to is a feeling. A feeling. All my life, people have told me that feelings and emotions play secondary to logic, math, and akasdlkfa science! But as I got older, I realized that people are governed by emotions and feelings. Choices with money, buying a house, moving to another place, and  investment, things that require objectivity and rationality –emotions, feelings, and intuition are at the heart of these choices…

Sure, people may not outwardly express it. They may be a staunch believer of logic and smartness, but in my time paying attention to them, listening to them, weighing their actions and how they justify them, I found they leak of emotions and feelings –that at the base of all their rationality is emotion they have yet to recognize, acknowledge, or they may even be blinded by emotion! I interpret a lot of Jung’s writing as an exploration of our inescapable unconsciousness. Feelings and emotions are the first layer of our unconsciousness. A lot times, people use rationality and logic to merely justify emotions and feelings, and that often leads to neurosis.

But back to you and me. It’s a feeling, a powerful feeling.  I know I have a tendency to see things with rosy tints, but not about you and me anymore. The greatest catalyst of my growth these last few months is my confrontation of how ugly our relationship was. Thank you for making me take that journey. The truth is we were not good for one another. I’ve done terrible things to you. You couldn’t take me off the pedestal. Yet, despite that, we truly loved each other. We always wanted to protect one another. We always wanted the best for one another. We gave each other everything about ourselves. Our unconsciousness was blended together from our acid trip; I know you… you know me. I’m not smart enough to completely articulate it, but it’s this feeling. I can’t justify it more than that.

The sum of my growth is this acceptance that my perspective is important. If I’ve learned anything these past few months, it’s to love myself, to have more self-esteem, and to value my perspective. This isn’t to justify my rationality. It’s just being aware of this great emotion and feeling in me. And perhaps it means nothing, but I’m deciding to follow it. I’m deciding to take the risk and to pursue it, despite how unreasonable it is, despite how much it hurts me, despite the many times people have advised against it. The strangest part is that I’ve managed to convince everyone I’ve talked to. This goes beyond rationality. It has become a matter of my unconsciousness telling me something and what I can only surmise as fate… I will face the consequences of my choices and whatever happens as a man of character…

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alanwrites

unadulterated writing straight from my head entiendoenglish@gmail.com