“The worst thing that can happen to a man is becoming civilized.”
I have to remember I am alive for myself foremost. I must strive to improve myself, but I must be in tune to myself. I must understand when I’m doing something against myself. Something I had planned for months fell through. I was absolutely destroyed. I smoked an entire pack of cigarettes and I told Spencer about how they fucked up 3 times. I didn’t get mad until they called the 3rd time, telling me they messed up. I raised my voice. I apologized and told them I don’t blame them; that I’ll take the refund. Spencer was able to give me some insight. He told me perhaps I was placing too much emphasis on that one thing, and that it won’t affect whether you’ll come back or not.
It was a difficult night. I felt entirely lost. But then, the next day I felt clearer. It did feel as if I didn’t learn anything from these few months. I was so focused on that one thing, and I don’t think it would have shown you how much I’ve changed. I should be living for myself. And I thought about it… perhaps it wasn’t something you would actually want in the first place! So I hatched another plan, which I think makes a lot more sense. It’s something I think you’ll enjoy a lot more… I finally got my haircut, which I was stupidly holding off for you. I went out to eat with Spencer -something I haven’t done for a while. And I explored on my own for a bit, meeting Peter who taught me how to flagpole. I found my balance again.
Things I want to do: get a forearm tattoo, take up boxing, keep working out, keep reading challenging literature, and work harder at my job. Life is as good as I make it.
It’s weird that life is just this constant dialogue between the self, this constant attempt to find balance and truth…
The law of efforts aggregated: things done consistently will yield more results than things done sparsely, intensely.