In my dream, I met your brother. He was crying. He told me that he missed you and I being together. He told me that you were kissing other men. I then received an angry voicemail from you. You asked what I was doing? Why I was doing all these silly things like writing these sad posts? Or why I was setting myself up to be disappointed and hurt by asking you to meet me? I was hurt by this. I love you was the answer. Why else would I choose to be hurt every day…?
I woke up, confused and weakened. It felt like I had to rethink my growth and my ideas of change. I wandered to Lee’s in a daze. I’ve been reading some of Jung and ideas of the anima, the feminine side of male unconsciousness. I’m trying to figure out this dream. Was this my unconsciousness telling me to let you go? I know that your family doesn’t want me to be with you anymore. I want you to be with someone your family loves and accepts. I want to become that man… I mean that’s the downfall of Gatsby -becoming something for someone else, someone of the past. From what I know of Anthony’s personality, he most likely doesn’t think about stuff like this. Nor would he be emotional about me. I think in my dream, he represents a childish version of myself (I always wanted to help him because I realized the core of his problems were similar to problems I faced). But in my dream he was sad and emotional about something I have no longer have control over. Something about that speaks to the futility of all this.
You, being my anima in my dream, was upset at me. I think that’s my unconsciousness confronting me about how I am still living my life for you, rather than myself… I’m so torn. I developed so much. I fought through so much. And I want nothing more than to be reunited with you. I looked into myself, the ugliest part of myself and I’m conversing with him to become better…. I incorporated my shadow. But now I have to confront and incorporate my anima. I don’t think I’m at the Eve stage. I don’t think I’m at the Helen stage either. I think I’m at the Mary stage where I know I can only find completeness and happiness in myself, and that extends to my partner and other people. Perhaps that’s why my anima was mad at me. I have been basing my happiness on you again.
I think I have to accept that I still want you, but rather than hurt over it, I should find happiness and solace in it. And on that day, I’ll know your choice. I feel better. I need to live my life. Jung did write live yourself… May each seek his own way…
May each seek his own way
If you are boys, your God is a woman. If you are women, your God is a boy. If you are men, your God is a maiden. The God is where you are not. So: it is wise that one has a God; this serves for your perfection. A maiden is the pregnant future. A boy is the engendering future. A woman is: having given birth. A man is: having engendered. So: if you are childlike beings now, your God will descend from the height of ripeness to age and death. But if you are developed beings, having engendered or given birth, in body or in soul, so your God rises from the radiant cradle, to the incalculable height of the future, to the maturity and fullness of the coming time. He who still has his life before him is a child. He who lives life in the present is developed. If you thus live all that you can live, you are developed. He who is a child in this time, his God dies. He who is developed in this time, his God continues to live.
The spirit of the depths teaches this mystery. Prosperous and woeful are those whose God is developed! Prosperous and woeful are those whose God is a child! What is better, that man has life ahead of him, or that God does? I know no answer. Live; the unavoidable decides. The spirit of the depths taught me that my life is encompassed by the divine child. From his hand everything unexpected came to me, everything living. This child is what I feel as an eternally springing youth in me. In childish men you feel the hopeless transience. All that you saw passing is yet to come for him. His future is full of transience. But the transience of the things coming toward you has never yet experienced a human meaning. Your continuing to live is a living onward. You engender and give birth to what is to come, you are fecund, you live onward. The childish is unfruitful, what is to come to him is what already has ‘been engendered and already withered. It does not live onward.
Last night is my final thanksgiving at my childhood home. I asked Spencer and his mom to come over to eat with my family. I realized that for the longest of time, my parents had no friends. This is very unhealthy, and something I need to watch out for when I’m old. People need other people. Well Spencer’s mom and my parents were able to talk about Taiwan’s politics, a very important election is coming up. Anne came back home and she’s talking to my parents again despite very heated disagreements. I think I was able to dispel some anger on her side… Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. It’s bittersweet that it took losing our home for my family to openly express love for one another. There are things I will change about my family by changing myself.