Honest

When Spencer told me your decision, I felt a stab a pain. My entire body crumbled and I held back tears until they escaped me. It felt cruel that you’ve singled me out as the one person you need to cut away. I thought about all the other times everyone else let you down, how they talked down to you, how they talked shit about you and I was the only one there for you. But I won’t deny it. I won’t fight it. I fucked up a lot. I hurt you so much. I was a cruel, evil monster. I was spineless and impotent. I was weak and angry. I was insane, violent, volatile, and a bad person to be with.  It just really hurts that I’m the one you have to cut away because all the good, all the times I’ve been patient, loving, supportive, and caring, and everything good about myself has been erased. It feels like you’re playing a cruel joke on yourself and me. You know the hardest part about all this time was actually to forgive myself? I was a kid…  And I’m a person. It feels like people in my life forget that sometimes… I’m a fucking person with flaws, strengths, weaknesses, hopes, and fears. Event after all this time you still deny me of that… Instead of the pedestal, you’ve cast me into a shit pile haha (i gotta laugh at this a little). But if it’s a matter of self-respect for you, then I must respect your decision. “I know I’m not completely right when I say this… but it really sucks to be judged by people who haven’t looked as deeply inside themselves and judged themselves as truthfully as I have.” No one in your family reached out to me. They were my family too… I went to my family after the break up and told them my truths. I told them they were a shitty family. I told them they were wrong in a lot of ways, but I want to change that. I told them I want us to be more loving, and I’ll show them by being more loving myself to them… The difference is instead of coming from a place of judgement and blame, I went to them with complete ownership and responsibility, but also a stronger heart to change for the better. And I told them that I was wrong in so many ways, but I’m working on it. I’m working on being a better son, a better brother, a better person…I told them I still love you. They told me they missed you; that they would be happy to see you again -none of that I won’t accept him bullshit. But I accept myself and that’s most important.. It just sucks because I was there at the hospital with your grandpa, I was there talking to Anthony those nights he felt so confused, I was there moving things tirelessly when everyone was calling it quits, calling people about painting, I was there talking to Steph about her anxieties, I was there listening to Alvin about his troubles and we laughed and smoked together. I walked and loved your dogs. I was there at your worst, and I was there at your best. I just have to write this out because it hurts too much to keep in. I love you, and I think you’re scared. I think you’re scared that you haven’t changed enough. And I must respect you, so I’ll stop these feelings somehow; not for myself, but for you. This is the best thing I can do for you… I think there will always be a part of me that loves you, but it hurts to say this… but i think time is taking us in two different direction, especially when you won’t be honest asdlkfjaksldf and I can’t pause my life anymore. I love you. I love you. I love you. I’ll still be there Dec 24th, but I won’t be there after that. And I think you’re making a mistake, but who the hell am I to say that.

I don’t want this to be our song; but this is our song, isn’t it…. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BME88lS6aVY

Will you remember me one day when it’s too late for either of us? I can almost see myself in another person’s arm, and you’re but a distant memory. I must accept your choice because I love you. My capacity for love was always my best and worst aspect… Meh, I can feel myself wanting to be colder, but I know that’s not the person I want to be.

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alanwrites

unadulterated writing straight from my head entiendoenglish@gmail.com

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