The ideas of artists throughout Echo Park; heartbreak, paranoia, and sadness –laughter, laughter, and laughter. At night, we wandered through the streets, absorbing their ideas for they were the same ideas we’ve shared with one another. We met two guys at a comedy show, one traveling and rock climbing, another a new dad. The comedians, all 5, talked about being newly single. I like to think half of the world carries heartbreak with them. My day was an echo chamber of ideas I’ve been brewing in the storm of my mind. The strumming of a guitar. A singer admits she’s new to playing, but she has a great voice. She sang of heartbreak: If I traveled the world… would it be worth it to know you’ve moved on something along those lines. I wish I remembered better, but it gripped me because I understand her sadness. She smiled at me on the street. Women smile at me a lot with invitations of another world.
We watched Russel Brand’s stand up in the comforts our of home, in which our Christmas Tree still sits in plastic wrapping. I’m paralyzed to open it, for the fear of memories of Christmastime together would come flooding out of me. Brand talks about consciousness and how being a father revealed this great truth of being alive. Carnal. Primal, something from the depths of our being seeps out. Later as we sat by a blinding Christmas tree in a plaza, an insane hobo asks for a cigarette and starts babbling crazy shit like the depths of his being erupting out.
Earlier in the day I hiked with Khari where we stumbled into a nature conservatory. A hut sat by a fountain where water trickled into a lotus pond. I sat in that hut, atop a lone stump positioned for meditation. And I looked above to see light pouring through a hole. It looked like a butthole and there was this tree overhanging. To Khari, I said: “You’ve been alive two years longer than I have. In your experiences, has your expectations and reality ever fully matched up?”
No, he replied, but he said that life was beautiful that way. I smiled and nodded. The good and bad come in waves. You see I’m trying to reset my framework. I wanted to believe in Fate because it meant that there was some sort of order, meaning in this world. But perhaps I have to accept that life is just chaos and surprise. I’ve been swimming against the waves back to you. I drew a fish with the lips, the one you know I always draw, and I drew it riding with the waves, and I smiled. Because maybe it’s time I just ride along with the waves.
Today I woke up from a dream about you. You were leaving our room. You were wearing your black yoga pants. I grab your legs and we playfully wrestle until I brought you face to face with me. “I just miss you is all. I miss my best friend.” I laid there smiling at you, and I watched you leave.
I half disliked that new Ariana Grande song, thank you, next because I kept thinking of how that was how you saw me. But then I was like why can’t I be the protagonist of this song? I’ve loved and lost and I grew so much from it. Meh heh heh. I said I would stop writing sad stuff on here, but I’m ritualistic. Tapering offfffffffffffffafkafai’wiawgm,as