my body is rebelling; I don’t think I can sustain myself at 140 and still work out everyday. But I suppose this is good. My appetite is coming back and I’m surprised by how much I want to eat. Hey motherfucker, we can’t operate under these conditions! just gotta stay away from the junk food cause i’m going down the road of diabetes or heart disease or something.

I sat outside with the Christmas lights and had a conversation with myself. look either way only good things will happen. if she truly moved on, then she learned from you, from all the shit you put her through, she’s stronger and smarter now. And you know she won’t let her next man treat her like that. And if she returns to you, you’ll only love her better because you’ve changed so much. Everything you wished for will happen regardless. You always told her to become her own person and this is happening right now. You can’t curse fate for granting you everything you wished for. i gotta let go my idea of possession. i can’t possess anyone. i must accept that people are free to come and go as they please. and this will be true for all my future relationships too, with someone else, with lily, with my kids, with friends. i was stuck on the idea of having some sort of control and power over my own destiny, but that’s wishing for clairvoyance -and that’s simply not possible. hold on until then, and then you can finally let the wave sweep you away. you did a lot of ugly things to her, but you also helped her a lot. you have remember that you gave all of yourself to her, the good and the bad. 

some times i feel like i’m in a bad dream when i have sudden realizations you’re no longer with me. but i must remember there were a lot of days we felt unhappy too. we had a lot of happiness too on the flip side of the coin. i had this purpose of wanting to be great for you, of showing you how good it can be, of doing you right after all the wrong. but maybe that’s not my fate. waves and waves and waves.