I think this guy is onto something. And yeah I don’t know if I can trust my worldview anymore.
Like how I went to the desert, I went to the ocean because it reflected my subconscious. Rain fell steadily and strong winds propelled massive waves into the cliff-sides. I stood on the edge when a blast of wind pushed me back a step or two. I had never seen an aquamarine ocean before. There was a haunting beauty to the place; it was the same feeling as I went into the desert. I couldn’t have picked a worse time to come here. But I suppose that affords a view of a place most people don’t get to see (not sure that makes sense). The truth is I am turbulent lately. I see who I was and I see who I am and I see a little of who I can be.
A week ago, Khari and I walked the hillsides surrounding Alhambra. He had told me an interesting story: A man goes to a spiritual healer because he feels lost. The spiritual healer tasked him with going into the wilderness and observing the various birds. He agrees. Out there he took note of a lone hawk swooping down at prey. There was a flock of ducks flying east. He goes on until he stumbles across two swans bathing by one another. There were eventually too many birds to account for. He returns, not feeling any better. I don’t get it, he says to the healer. To which, the healer says: The birds are like people except they know their roles in life. In your life it’s up to you figure out what kind of bird you are, and then you’ll know your place and purpose. Are you one that sticks to a flock? Are you a lone hunter? Or are you meant to find one other bird?
I had thought I was one of those monogamous birds that sticks with their partner for the rest of their life. But maybe I’m meant to just do my own thing… I always thought it was because I have a lot of love in me, I can provide a lot of love to someone else. But when you have a lot of love, you have a lot of hate haha. Maybe I meant to love a lot of people. Different friends, family, a partner, strangers, and so on, and then distribute some hate throughout them! No, that sounds miserable. Sometimes I want to mitigate my interaction with the world for the fear I’ll simply ruin another person’s life. The idea of hurting another girl horrifies me. I’m terrified of that first argument, of losing control…
One cannot be non-participatory in life; one should live their life to the fullest extent, and that means going through the fears… I think I fear my masculinity. I need to confront it. It’s strange I picked up the book Amateur randomly from a book drive –something drew me to it. And it’s exactly about confronting masculinity except from a trans-man’s perspective as he enters the world of boxing. Very interesting stuff.
I fell asleep after seeing old friends. Sacramento felt like a place for people who prefer to be in flocks. It was nice to experience that, but I don’t think that’s who I am?