Two Defining Conversations

It was a dark morning, but the sun eventually pushed through the clouds. A beautiful sunrise greeted me. I watched the clouds now bathed in morning light; their bodies a rich purple, their delineations glowing gold. They sailed away in minutes and a blue sky appeared.

Hope for the best, expect the worst. I sat by my friend, Tony. He’s been guiding me, and I really enjoy his stories. Sometimes life makes you let go. My first wife and son both died in a car accident. I went insane. I stared at him. I went crazy. I went to jail for 16 years. You don’t understand. I said you’re right I don’t understand your loss. I came out and I had another son with this woman. But then I had a stroke. I was in the hospital for 2 years. I told her not to wait for me. I came out and she’s married to a white lawyer. Do you know what love is?

I answered when you want the best for them.

He nodded. I could go to my son, but he’s happy. He has a good life. If I came back into the picture, it might take away everything good in their lives. I don’t have money right now. But I’m not that fucking selfish. Come on, bro. You understand. Loving someone means letting go sometimes. Listen, I’m not saying don’t try for this girl. You have these feelings because you know she does too. But when the time comes let go.

You’re right. I’ll try.

No, bro. Don’t try. Just move on. You understand? In life you let things hurt you. Don’t give up. You give up you end up like those guys. He points to the homeless man on the street. I didn’t give up, you know. Keep going. It’s like you’re falling and you’re holding onto a rock. That rock is either going to crush you or drag you down. Let go. He hands me a cigarette. Good luck bro, I hope things work out between you and your girl.

Christmas Day: My family has unwrapped their presents. They seem reasonably happy. My dad and I go for a walk to try out his new pedometer. It was the first time my dad and I had a one on one talk. Alan, you have to understand my whole life was suffering. My mom she had the same mental illness. Then your mom had the same… They would fight. And my wife would try to kill my mom. You might be too young to remember but the police would come to take her away… It’s in our DNA. I remember as a kid I wanted to be psychologist. Back then the only treatment was shocking them. I wanted to help them… My mom, my own mom, had to live in a garage because your mom hated her so much…

I held my dad. I’m sorry about you and lily. The same thing happened to me. But in life you have to be strong.

Dad would you be proud of me if I pursued psychology?

He nodded. You and your sister turned out great. We didn’t help you two much, but you two did everything on your own.

I guess it’s no coincidence I got into Jordan Peterson and then Carl Jung. I don’t think I’m at crossroads anymore. I think I’m plainly on a path, and as pathetic as it sounds, sometimes I don’t want to keep moving. I want to stay still and safe. And maybe that’s why I’m stuck sometimes. I don’t make the proper sacrifices.

I took myself on a real nice date. Got some coffee at a bourgeois place –can’t beat Lee’s. Got myself a good burger and smoked a bunch of cigarettes. Finished Nietzsche and I’ll finish another book today. I’m taking aim. I have a path. I have a goal. And now it’s time to walk.