Circles

You suffer from evil because you love it secretly and are unaware of your love. You wish to escape your predicament, and you begin to hate evil. And once more you are bound to evil through your hate, since whether you love or hate it, it makes no difference: you are bound to evil. Evil is to be accepted. What we want remains in our hands. What we do not want, and yet is stronger than us, sweeps us away and we cannot stop it without damaging ourselves, for our force remains in evil. Thus we probably have to accept our evil without love and hate, recognizing that it exists and must have its share in life. In doing so, we can deprive it of the power it has to overwhelm us.

Circles. Jung calls it the symbol of life. Alex Atala said it was his interpretation of life from a powerful acid trip. The rise and the fall they are a part of life. Momentum, how one quickly speeds to success and failure… I must dispel the illusion of stability. Accept the precariousness of life… To think I’ve matured enough is folly. To the rise is the fall. I’ve risen and now I’m falling. Turbulence. I am turbulent. Life is microcycles of birth and death until the final death. Buddhism reincarnation birth, age, sickness, death.  Sun and Moon spinning, cycles of day and night. I think I understand a little better; in these cycles pain, suffering, conflict are inevitable. There is no safe haven from these realities. Better to iron oneself into something stronger.

Man stands between emptiness and fullness. If his strength combines with fullness, it becomes fully formative. There is always something good about such formation. If his strength combines with emptiness, it has a dissolving and destructive effect, since emptiness can never be formed, but only strives to satisfy itself at the cost of fullness…

 

When you notice that your strength is coming to an end and desire sets in, you must withdraw it from what has been formed into your emptiness; through this association with the emptiness you will succeed in dissolving the formation in you. You will thus regain your freedom, in that you have saved your strength from oppressive association with the object. So long as you persist with the standpoint of the good, you cannot dissolve your formation, precisely because it is what is good. You cannot dissolve good with good. You can dissolve good only with evil. For your good also leads ultimately to death through its progressive binding of your force by progressively binding your force. You are entirely unable to live without evil

 

 

my body is rebelling; I don’t think I can sustain myself at 140 and still work out everyday. But I suppose this is good. My appetite is coming back and I’m surprised by how much I want to eat. Hey motherfucker, we can’t operate under these conditions! just gotta stay away from the junk food cause i’m going down the road of diabetes or heart disease or something.

I sat outside with the Christmas lights and had a conversation with myself. look either way only good things will happen. if she truly moved on, then she learned from you, from all the shit you put her through, she’s stronger and smarter now. And you know she won’t let her next man treat her like that. And if she returns to you, you’ll only love her better because you’ve changed so much. Everything you wished for will happen regardless. You always told her to become her own person and this is happening right now. You can’t curse fate for granting you everything you wished for. i gotta let go my idea of possession. i can’t possess anyone. i must accept that people are free to come and go as they please. and this will be true for all my future relationships too, with someone else, with lily, with my kids, with friends. i was stuck on the idea of having some sort of control and power over my own destiny, but that’s wishing for clairvoyance -and that’s simply not possible. hold on until then, and then you can finally let the wave sweep you away. you did a lot of ugly things to her, but you also helped her a lot. you have remember that you gave all of yourself to her, the good and the bad. 

some times i feel like i’m in a bad dream when i have sudden realizations you’re no longer with me. but i must remember there were a lot of days we felt unhappy too. we had a lot of happiness too on the flip side of the coin. i had this purpose of wanting to be great for you, of showing you how good it can be, of doing you right after all the wrong. but maybe that’s not my fate. waves and waves and waves.

I don’t want absolute control; I don’t want you to be absolutely mine; I must let you be. The measure you are not mine is the measure you are alive and real. I must erase these ideas from my ideas of desire. You are not mine, but I would like you to be mine on your own accord. I do not need you and I must be compassionate, forgiving, and exciting. I must not be sad if you do not come to me because it is the sign that you are finally your own person and being. I desire to give you pleasure, so I forfeit control and power, to throw control and power to you, and to see if you will return them. I must remember this is the purpose of all this. I must transcend my ego. It is surrender and acceptance of the other, whatever may happen.

Since Friday, I went hurling to destruction. Yesterday was the worst. I was robbed of all motivation, energy, and meaning. I had screamed and smoked until the linings of my lungs were stripped raw. If it’s truly futility, then why bother? The truth hurts a lot. But I thought about it, and this is nothing new; I’ve been made the devil, the black sheep, the bastard. My family has done this to me all my life. My friends have done this. I grew up a loner. A memory: I had saved weeks to buy my sister a book from her favorite series on her birthday. The day of I told my mom about the present and asked her not to tell my sister. And the next moment I see and hear my mom telling my sister. This destroyed me as a kid and I grew so angry I began screaming how could you. My sister then got mad at me saying I’m ruining her birthday by being so angry. I was so sad and destroyed, I ran away from home. I spent the night sleeping in a slide at the park. And so it is that I’m the devil again. I am the bastard that needs to be exiled because I’ve been brave enough to do things and embraced things about myself. I just have a lot of love and I’ve done bad things because of it. But I keep going back to this side of myself. The best part is I love this part of myself now. I finally accept this as uniquely me; I can’t not love you. Even when all truths point to no…

I have to just let go whatever I’m holding onto and see where the waves are hurling me toward. And maybe I’ll wash up somewhere better, maybe it’ll simply be different.

Echo Chamber

The ideas of artists throughout Echo Park; heartbreak, paranoia, and sadness –laughter, laughter, and laughter. At night, we wandered through the streets, absorbing their ideas for they were the same ideas we’ve shared with one another. We met two guys at a comedy show, one traveling and rock climbing, another a new dad. The comedians, all 5, talked about being newly single. I like to think half of the world carries heartbreak with them. My day was an echo chamber of ideas I’ve been brewing in the storm of my mind. The strumming of a guitar. A singer admits she’s new to playing, but she has a great voice. She sang of heartbreak: If I traveled the world… would it be worth it to know you’ve moved on something along those lines. I wish I remembered better, but it gripped me because I understand her sadness. She smiled at me on the street. Women smile at me a lot with invitations of another world.

We watched Russel Brand’s stand up in the comforts our of home, in which our Christmas Tree still sits in plastic wrapping. I’m paralyzed to open it, for the fear of memories of Christmastime together would come flooding out of me. Brand talks about consciousness and how being a father revealed this great truth of being alive. Carnal. Primal, something from the depths of our being seeps out. Later as we sat by a blinding Christmas tree in a plaza, an insane hobo asks for a cigarette and starts babbling crazy shit like the depths of his being erupting out.

Earlier in the day I hiked with Khari where we stumbled into a nature conservatory. A hut sat by a fountain where water trickled into a lotus pond. I sat in that hut, atop a lone stump positioned for meditation. And I looked above to see light pouring through a hole. It looked like a butthole and there was this tree overhanging. To Khari, I said: “You’ve been alive two years longer than I have. In your experiences, has your expectations and reality ever fully matched up?”

No, he replied, but he said that life was beautiful that way. I smiled and nodded. The good and bad come in waves. You see I’m trying to reset my framework. I wanted to believe in Fate because it meant that there was some sort of order, meaning in this world. But perhaps I have to accept that life is just chaos and surprise. I’ve been swimming against the waves back to you. I drew a fish with the lips, the one you know I always draw, and I drew it riding with the waves, and I smiled. Because maybe it’s time I just ride along with the waves.

Today I woke up from a dream about you. You were leaving our room. You were wearing your black yoga pants. I grab your legs and we playfully wrestle until I brought you face to face with me. “I just miss you is all. I miss my best friend.” I laid there smiling at you, and I watched you leave.

I half disliked that new Ariana Grande song, thank you, next because I kept thinking of how that was how you saw me. But then I was like why can’t I be the protagonist of this song? I’ve loved and lost and I grew so much from it. Meh heh heh. I said I would stop writing sad stuff on here, but I’m ritualistic. Tapering offfffffffffffffafkafai’wiawgm,as

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Better

This blog has become rather stagnant. I want to invest less time in here; it’s like being in my room for too long -the sadness becomes stale. There are projects I want to pursue, and I think I have to invest time elsewhere.

There were two prophetic dreams you had when we were still together. I’m not sure you remember them. When you told me about them, I was incredulous; I would never leave you, I thought. You told me once that you dreamt that I was moving to SF to find myself. You told me you were heart broken. When you told me this, my heart panged. But your dream did happen. I went looking for myself, not in any distances but in the depths of my soul.

Do you remember your second dream? You told me we ran away together and eloped against the wishes of your family haha. I’m not sure what this means… but you had these dreams a year before we broke up. I don’t blame you. I told you before. You have nothing to be sorry about. I was wrong, and I accept the consequences. I don’t know what will happen, I’m starting to understand I have no way of ever knowing. But something in me is saying to keep a place for you. At the same time… I can’t be non-participatory in life; I have to accept things I deny for myself… because often those are things a person needs to grow.

Take care of yourself, and I hope you find happiness and peace.

Honest

When Spencer told me your decision, I felt a stab a pain. My entire body crumbled and I held back tears until they escaped me. It felt cruel that you’ve singled me out as the one person you need to cut away. I thought about all the other times everyone else let you down, how they talked down to you, how they talked shit about you and I was the only one there for you. But I won’t deny it. I won’t fight it. I fucked up a lot. I hurt you so much. I was a cruel, evil monster. I was spineless and impotent. I was weak and angry. I was insane, violent, volatile, and a bad person to be with.  It just really hurts that I’m the one you have to cut away because all the good, all the times I’ve been patient, loving, supportive, and caring, and everything good about myself has been erased. It feels like you’re playing a cruel joke on yourself and me. You know the hardest part about all this time was actually to forgive myself? I was a kid…  And I’m a person. It feels like people in my life forget that sometimes… I’m a fucking person with flaws, strengths, weaknesses, hopes, and fears. Event after all this time you still deny me of that… Instead of the pedestal, you’ve cast me into a shit pile haha (i gotta laugh at this a little). But if it’s a matter of self-respect for you, then I must respect your decision. “I know I’m not completely right when I say this… but it really sucks to be judged by people who haven’t looked as deeply inside themselves and judged themselves as truthfully as I have.” No one in your family reached out to me. They were my family too… I went to my family after the break up and told them my truths. I told them they were a shitty family. I told them they were wrong in a lot of ways, but I want to change that. I told them I want us to be more loving, and I’ll show them by being more loving myself to them… The difference is instead of coming from a place of judgement and blame, I went to them with complete ownership and responsibility, but also a stronger heart to change for the better. And I told them that I was wrong in so many ways, but I’m working on it. I’m working on being a better son, a better brother, a better person…I told them I still love you. They told me they missed you; that they would be happy to see you again -none of that I won’t accept him bullshit. But I accept myself and that’s most important.. It just sucks because I was there at the hospital with your grandpa, I was there talking to Anthony those nights he felt so confused, I was there moving things tirelessly when everyone was calling it quits, calling people about painting, I was there talking to Steph about her anxieties, I was there listening to Alvin about his troubles and we laughed and smoked together. I walked and loved your dogs. I was there at your worst, and I was there at your best. I just have to write this out because it hurts too much to keep in. I love you, and I think you’re scared. I think you’re scared that you haven’t changed enough. And I must respect you, so I’ll stop these feelings somehow; not for myself, but for you. This is the best thing I can do for you… I think there will always be a part of me that loves you, but it hurts to say this… but i think time is taking us in two different direction, especially when you won’t be honest asdlkfjaksldf and I can’t pause my life anymore. I love you. I love you. I love you. I’ll still be there Dec 24th, but I won’t be there after that. And I think you’re making a mistake, but who the hell am I to say that.

I don’t want this to be our song; but this is our song, isn’t it…. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BME88lS6aVY

Will you remember me one day when it’s too late for either of us? I can almost see myself in another person’s arm, and you’re but a distant memory. I must accept your choice because I love you. My capacity for love was always my best and worst aspect… Meh, I can feel myself wanting to be colder, but I know that’s not the person I want to be.