Look, I just want to be honest. I really want to be honest with myself, with people, with the world. I want to be low. I want to be vulnerable. But I don’t want to be judged for it either. I think I fear judgement… I’m afraid of people thinking I’m something negative. They might think I’m weak, stupid, or unstable, crazy even.
I considered that I might have borderline personality disorder. I met a therapist, who asked extensively about my sexual history. He insisted that those with BPD are sexually unsafe, often practicing unsafe sex with anyone. At the time, I had only one sexual partner. I read the symptoms, but he continuously fixated on the whole sex thing. I mean what about the shift in emotions? Orrr the violent, volatile emotions? Or how I invalidate myself. Or how I burned myself and or how I regularly dabble in planning my wonderful suicide, my final departure from all my suffering. Nope. He just focused on the sex. Fucking pervert.
So I put the idea out of my mind for some time. But then one day I stumbled into a bookstore and found myself in the psychology section. The plan had been to find some self-help books, perhaps some Carl Jung, or perhaps that new David Goggins’ book. But the title popped out at me. Coping with BPD. No, I thought I already laid that demon to rest. My curiosity must have gotten the best of me. I poured through it, not really wanting to pick it up. Well chapter by chapter, the symptoms just seemed to match me a little too well. An emptiness began to spread through me. And horrible memories of my anger exploding returned. This was me… Fuck that therapist. I bought the book and I’ve been hesitant to explore it.
But I find myself going through it, and it was me. I mean I’m no longer as bad… but it was me. Part of the book said to not dwell on past mistakes. To accept that you’ve done bad things, but there’s nothing you can do about the past. Try to change your perspective about it. So my past is my cautionary tale now. I will be better. Please, I’m hopeful for myself. Because I know if I’m not, no one else will be for me.