About your dream

I’m worried about you. I was about to sleep when I realized you might be confronting your animus. It sounds like you’re having a lot of dreams. I really got into Carl jung and he delves into dreams and how they can be signals for your psyche and your development.

He says you must first face your shadow, which embodies qualities in yourself that you repress, deny, or don’t like. For ex my shadow was my anger, aggression, vanity, and a sense of self. It sounds like you are more outspoken and less timid, more extroverted so maybe you met your shadow already from your Vegas trip and life shit.

Now the animus is different because it deals with your masculine qualities and how you perceive males. Confronting the animus is considered a bigger ordeal than the shadow. And it can make you better or it can destroy you if you let it. I think that’s why you’re having panic attacks. Facing the animus/anima is really scary shit. And often it causes projection. Like how you think other guys will hit you. But they won’t. Not all men will be abusive to you like I was.

But I highly recommend you read the stages of meeting the animus. Jung wrote about a woman patient who had horrible dreams of men attacking her. I don’t remember the details but it all goes back to the self. There is an aspect of your masculine traits and how you perceive males that you need to put into question. You need to confront and face something about yourself in regards to males.  The animus also transforms from different stages depending on your relationship with it. I do believe the first stage deals with being hurt by men or taken advantage?

View at Medium.com

View at Medium.com

http://www.jungatlanta.com/articles/summer10-anger-in-animus-development.pdf

But I really hope this helps. All this stuff is really painful and can be disturbing. I really hope you see a psychologist or a therapist as you self reflect.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/kellybristow.com/2018/05/18/the-anima-animus-the-lovers-dance-within-and-without/amp/

All this stuff takes a lot of self reflection and meditation. Make sure you watch out for your physical needs. Work out, eat, drink water and sleep.

 

Meh

I have no delusions about you and me.  I do not hope to be with you again. But do what you need to do to protect yourself and to move past this.  I sincerely meant I hope you find peace, happiness, and love. Good luck.

I recommend David Goggin’s Can’t Hurt Me. It really helped me out. Maybe it can help you too.

I went to the temple to make a prayer, or a wish. I do this when I accept I have no control over something. But I’m always with a hopeful heart. I prayed at the main shrine. Then I made my way to the fountain with the bell. You know this one. You’re always the first person I pray for. I made my prayer within seconds and the dime already left my hand. A resounding clank and sparse applause. Thank you thank you. I prayed that you find peace and happiness. I prayed you find a love worthy of you. It’s always the same prayer. There’s lot of love in your life. No one wants you to hurt. I certainly don’t, so why should you hurt yourself. Treat yourself like a good friend would treat you. You don’t have to face your past alone either. But you do have to confront it at some point. Bear your suffering with acceptance. Tell yourself that it’s sharpening you to become better. And if you need to confront me, I’m open to it. Do it on your terms. Truthfully it scares the shit out of me to see you again. Stay safe and watch out for yourself. Eat, drink water, sleep.

If you care…

I found peace when I pushed my body beyond breaking. I have this mentality that my life is going to suck anyways. But if I tell myself i’m making it suck on my terms because I can take it, well its not so bad. I don’t back down lately. Maybe you’re resisting something? It’s hard to be in tune to your body because sometimes you have to do the opposite of what your body tells you. And sometimes you gotta go with the flow. It all sounds mumble jumbo but try to listen to your body. Is it something you can keep pushing, or is it something you need to re-navigate.

Again, while you do this, you gotta eat enough, drink enough water, and obviously sleep to keep your body strong.

 

Who you calling an egg head?

Your head is egg shaped. But it’s true I did shave my head. I’m trying to become a space monkey from fight club.

I’m sorry those times ever happened. I’m sorry it happened on multiple accounts. I wasn’t a forthright person. I didn’t do what I needed to. I gave you responsibility for my happiness. And I made you feel low when there was honestly nothing you could have nor should have done. I know the bad moments stand out a lot more than the good. And I’m sorry they stand out so much. They do too in my memories. Would you consider going to a therapist or psychologist? Maybe there’s a support group for people who faced abuse. Finding people with similar trauma might help you get over this mindfuck. It helped Spencer to talk a widow regarding losing a loved one. I’m sorry you’re in pain. I’ll always care for you, and I’ll always want the best for you even if you don’t see me like that.

I know these moments have their own gravity, but I’m no longer going to say I never did anything right. I gave everything of myself to you. Can you remember anything of how I loved you? Can you remember me holding your hand in the hospital after panicking and being the only one advocating for you to go? Can you remember me picking you up at the park late at night when David left you? What about when I called you beautiful every day because you told me it made you happy? What about how I saved for weeks to buy you an opal necklace? What about driving to Vegas and having a great time together? Do you remember how much it meant to me when we finally got things right and we worked together? What about all the times I held your hand underneath the dinner table when your mom said something that made you feel bad? I’m trying to be honest and to remove my ego when writing this. I was abusive to you. But I was also loving, caring, supportive, and I honestly gave everything I got. I know you did too. That’s why it felt so desperate, those fights.

This isn’t for my sake. I don’t care if you think I’m the worst person in the world. But I think you’re somehow stuck. I think you’re holding onto something about those moments. Without a doubt, they were horrible moments of trauma and abuse. I’m sorry. But why? Why do they haunt you? Is it something about yourself? You’re not that person anymore. You’re tougher, smarter, and stronger. You survived all the shit I put you through. You don’t have to panic anymore. I’m not in your life anymore.  And you’ll never let anyone else hurt you like that as well. So maybe there’s a deeper reason why these things keep resurfacing. I hope you find the right kind of help. Sometimes opening up might be a solution rather than going deeper into yourself.

SHIT YOU PROBABLY DON’T CARE ABOUT

I occasionally have dreams about you too. And it’s the true. Our old room is empty of our belongings. I saved your letters and our pictures in a bag. It’s at my new place. I keep it out of plain sight. I still have your Zelda games because someday I do have a silly hope of returning them to you. They are after all your gifts. I haven’t been home for a month now. But tonight I’m staying the night to meet Yudith. She and her friends are visiting.

Please take care of yourself. I’m a lot clearer headed. I know what I have to do to keep my sanity. I accept that my life is meant to be difficult. Bear your suffering. Give yourself agency. You’re not a victim anymore. You’re stronger than that. Sometimes you might just be tired. Make sure you’re drinking enough water, eating enough, and sleeping. I’ve been having 18hr days, and towards the end, I feel really low and all the terrible thoughts come back. Watch out for yourself. Don’t hurt yourself anymore.

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hope it made you laugh a little

Repent, motherfucker!

To be fair, I never bring it up. It just so happens they see my hands and tattoos. When they ask, I promised myself to be honest. And I always say they’re reminders of who I don’t want to be anymore; that I’m doing everything I can to move away from my past self. But yes I agree, our past is too much for healthy adults to bear. Better to stifle that shit.

 

Ugly Words for You

I’m 25, and I’ve had more than 10 mental breakdowns. Each time, I saw myself being torn to pieces. Each time, I didn’t think I could make it through. This is the one that’d do me in. And every time, I’ve rebuild myself stronger and kinder. Here’s the thing I’m learning about myself: I’m tough as hell.

My only regret is that I’ve passed that onto you. You got that evil inside you now. But you know what, it makes you tough as hell too. I’m not spinning this in a positive way at all. I did some real evil to you. I broke you down and you’ve rebuilt yourself each and every fucking time. I know you can’t remember a time I’ve cared about you. I always rooted for you; you were my favorite person in the whole fucking world. You were fighting to find your worth also. And I know you’ve struggled with yourself just like I have.

Maybe you’re not ready to admit this yet. But we’re apart of each other after all that time. If you can confront the evil I gave you, you’ll find that peace. You can do it. It’s all in the past. As in you’re out of hell now. Keep rebuilding yourself. You’re better than who you were. I’m sorry.

I woke up empty. But I’m happy for you because I know you’ll find what you’re looking for. Someone will love you the right way now because you know how you want to be loved. And you know the signs of when to get the fuck out. If you’re stuck in the past, there’s some brutal hard truth you’ve not fully confronted. I’m still rooting for you. I don’t care if I never see you again. I’m still fucking rooting for you; I’ll always have love for you.

I’m holding myself accountable for all my stupid shit. So many of my dates have asked me about my burned hand. And I tell them the brutal truth. I was an abusive, pathetic piece of shit. How do you admit this to a stranger? How do you say all of this during a happy date and watch their happy image of you unravel? I remember every instance they flinched or shifted away from me.

Every instance I’ve came up short or didn’t fight hard enough, I’m the sole reason for my situation. Even when I didn’t do shit as a fucking blank-slate kid, and my mom unloaded all her insanity and abuse onto me; but you know what, her mom beat the shit out of her and sold her to another family. And when she ran all night back to them, they turned her away. All of that is my fault because it’s the only way I can say I have power over myself; that’s the only way I can say I have fucking strength when I was absolutely powerless. I’m not a victim anymore. And neither are you.

Happy Chinese New Year’s. A whole year has passed, and how we’ve changed. I might be the enemy, but let’s celebrate how we’ve grown at least. Good things are coming. Stand the fuck up straight. All of your pain will eventually leave you. It always does.

For me, the only way to make it through that was to feed off my depression. I had to flip it and convince myself that all that self-doubt and anxiety was confirmation that I was no longer living an aimless life.

Write down all the things you don’t like to do or that make you uncomfortable.

-David Goggins.

I don’t want to be jobless again. I don’t want to feel like I don’t have a place I belong. The idea of being completely on my own scares me. The idea of staying at my job grinds me down because the truth is I don’t think this place will do me any good. I comfort myself telling myself that right now I’m helping others, that I’m doing something with writing. But the truth is I don’t know what it is I’m doing. I’m trying to make the best of my situation. I’m trying to challenge myself. I gave myself a year. Now it’s going to be another year. I know I gotta be smart about things this time. I can’t just quit because that’ll land me in a world of hurt.

I don’t want to go back to school because I’m afraid. The truth is I’m afraid of wasting time again. Of not doing what I need to do, or being too afraid of doing what’s necessary. For the last few weeks, I put off the idea of school. It’ll cost too much money. I don’t want be jaded again. The truth is I didn’t get enough out of college because I didn’t push myself. I didn’t put myself out there enough. I was an anxious fuck. I was depressed because I wasn’t honest with myself. If I’m to go back to school, I gotta map it out. I gotta start learning again. I gotta go through all the bullshit with registration. And I can’t call it bullshit anymore. It’s what I need to do.

Maybe there’s a way I can do school and work at the same time. I’ll take online classes and work during the day. I already wake up at 5 every day. I already stay after work to write and read. Nothing will be different except I’ll have an institution to climb the ranks. I need that. Homework and tests, there’s all of this outside of school or not. But the rewards are there for me to reap this time. Because I’ll watch out for the footfalls.

When I look into the mirror, I see someone worth saving. Despite all my shit, despite years of failure and not being strong enough, I think there’s a diamond in the rough in me.

There are no shortcuts for you.

This is true for me too. There are no shortcuts. If I didn’t rep in that pull up or if I don’t get that donation, that’s the difference between success and failure. I need to return to those high stakes mentality. There’s something in me that needs to be worked out. When I read Goggins felt trapped in himself, it resonated too well with me. I was teary-eyed. No more eating to feel something. No more shying away from my responsibilities. There’s someone worth saving in me….

And when it comes to Love, well, I’m not ready to love someone. It’s all distractions from the work I need to put into myself. I want someone to be my world so I don’t have to do the shit I need to. And this is overly dramatic, but I already loved my heart out. If I don’t love again, so be it.