Ugly Words for You

I’m 25, and I’ve had more than 10 mental breakdowns. Each time, I saw myself being torn to pieces. Each time, I didn’t think I could make it through. This is the one that’d do me in. And every time, I’ve rebuild myself stronger and kinder. Here’s the thing I’m learning about myself: I’m tough as hell.

My only regret is that I’ve passed that onto you. You got that evil inside you now. But you know what, it makes you tough as hell too. I’m not spinning this in a positive way at all. I did some real evil to you. I broke you down and you’ve rebuilt yourself each and every fucking time. I know you can’t remember a time I’ve cared about you. I always rooted for you; you were my favorite person in the whole fucking world. You were fighting to find your worth also. And I know you’ve struggled with yourself just like I have.

Maybe you’re not ready to admit this yet. But we’re apart of each other after all that time. If you can confront the evil I gave you, you’ll find that peace. You can do it. It’s all in the past. As in you’re out of hell now. Keep rebuilding yourself. You’re better than who you were. I’m sorry.

I woke up empty. But I’m happy for you because I know you’ll find what you’re looking for. Someone will love you the right way now because you know how you want to be loved. And you know the signs of when to get the fuck out. If you’re stuck in the past, there’s some brutal hard truth you’ve not fully confronted. I’m still rooting for you. I don’t care if I never see you again. I’m still fucking rooting for you; I’ll always have love for you.

I’m holding myself accountable for all my stupid shit. So many of my dates have asked me about my burned hand. And I tell them the brutal truth. I was an abusive, pathetic piece of shit. How do you admit this to a stranger? How do you say all of this during a happy date and watch their happy image of you unravel? I remember every instance they flinched or shifted away from me.

Every instance I’ve came up short or didn’t fight hard enough, I’m the sole reason for my situation. Even when I didn’t do shit as a fucking blank-slate kid, and my mom unloaded all her insanity and abuse onto me; but you know what, her mom beat the shit out of her and sold her to another family. And when she ran all night back to them, they turned her away. All of that is my fault because it’s the only way I can say I have power over myself; that’s the only way I can say I have fucking strength when I was absolutely powerless. I’m not a victim anymore. And neither are you.

Happy Chinese New Year’s. A whole year has passed, and how we’ve changed. I might be the enemy, but let’s celebrate how we’ve grown at least. Good things are coming. Stand the fuck up straight. All of your pain will eventually leave you. It always does.