Your head is egg shaped. But it’s true I did shave my head. I’m trying to become a space monkey from fight club.
I’m sorry those times ever happened. I’m sorry it happened on multiple accounts. I wasn’t a forthright person. I didn’t do what I needed to. I gave you responsibility for my happiness. And I made you feel low when there was honestly nothing you could have nor should have done. I know the bad moments stand out a lot more than the good. And I’m sorry they stand out so much. They do too in my memories. Would you consider going to a therapist or psychologist? Maybe there’s a support group for people who faced abuse. Finding people with similar trauma might help you get over this mindfuck. It helped Spencer to talk a widow regarding losing a loved one. I’m sorry you’re in pain. I’ll always care for you, and I’ll always want the best for you even if you don’t see me like that.
I know these moments have their own gravity, but I’m no longer going to say I never did anything right. I gave everything of myself to you. Can you remember anything of how I loved you? Can you remember me holding your hand in the hospital after panicking and being the only one advocating for you to go? Can you remember me picking you up at the park late at night when David left you? What about when I called you beautiful every day because you told me it made you happy? What about how I saved for weeks to buy you an opal necklace? What about driving to Vegas and having a great time together? Do you remember how much it meant to me when we finally got things right and we worked together? What about all the times I held your hand underneath the dinner table when your mom said something that made you feel bad? I’m trying to be honest and to remove my ego when writing this. I was abusive to you. But I was also loving, caring, supportive, and I honestly gave everything I got. I know you did too. That’s why it felt so desperate, those fights.
This isn’t for my sake. I don’t care if you think I’m the worst person in the world. But I think you’re somehow stuck. I think you’re holding onto something about those moments. Without a doubt, they were horrible moments of trauma and abuse. I’m sorry. But why? Why do they haunt you? Is it something about yourself? You’re not that person anymore. You’re tougher, smarter, and stronger. You survived all the shit I put you through. You don’t have to panic anymore. I’m not in your life anymore. And you’ll never let anyone else hurt you like that as well. So maybe there’s a deeper reason why these things keep resurfacing. I hope you find the right kind of help. Sometimes opening up might be a solution rather than going deeper into yourself.
SHIT YOU PROBABLY DON’T CARE ABOUT
I occasionally have dreams about you too. And it’s the true. Our old room is empty of our belongings. I saved your letters and our pictures in a bag. It’s at my new place. I keep it out of plain sight. I still have your Zelda games because someday I do have a silly hope of returning them to you. They are after all your gifts. I haven’t been home for a month now. But tonight I’m staying the night to meet Yudith. She and her friends are visiting.
Please take care of yourself. I’m a lot clearer headed. I know what I have to do to keep my sanity. I accept that my life is meant to be difficult. Bear your suffering. Give yourself agency. You’re not a victim anymore. You’re stronger than that. Sometimes you might just be tired. Make sure you’re drinking enough water, eating enough, and sleeping. I’ve been having 18hr days, and towards the end, I feel really low and all the terrible thoughts come back. Watch out for yourself. Don’t hurt yourself anymore.
hope it made you laugh a little