vent

Damaged people are drawn to damaged people. That’s what my sister told me. Alice took in a lady who was living in her car for the last few months. She’s my next door neighbor, and I can tell she’s hurting and lonely. She’s not connected to her family and lives with two cats. One night she was drugged out, and she needed to buy milk for whatever reason. I was tired but I agreed to take her. She gets on my nerves because she keeps leaving the door open letting in the bigass nats. I don’t want to kill them, but they keep swarming my room. She buys food and we occasionally smoke together. There’s a sadness to her, but she cares deeply.  That’s the kind of person I am. I’m better at conveying my frustrations without blowing up. I told her I was annoyed with her actions not her. That’d it’d be great if she can close the door. I spent one night catching her cats off the streets. This was after Sushi escaped and I spent 30 minutes looking for him. I got mad that night. It felt like… everyone around was a loser, and I was a loser then. For the last two weeks, I’ve been fixating on things I don’t have. My boss keeps throwing assignments at me, even after I scored 2000 new socks for the homeless. He noticed I was irritated and invited me to talk. I ended up crying. I haven’t cried for a while now. I told him about my parents’ situation. “I’m not ready to be an adult.” He really tried to help me. He recommended therapists and even offered to pay for a few session. “You’re a great kid, but sometimes you seem like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.”

I’ve been trying to find a new job. I just don’t feel stimulated from my job. I’m surprisingly good at getting donations, but i can’t see myself being here forever. Yudith got into Harvard, and I think I was measuring myself to her. I was really happy for her! I’m seriously proud of her and I called her up after she texted me. But it did make me reflect on how I’m not where I want to be… so I’ve been trying to think about school more, but debt is not something I should take lightly. Everyone around me has been a cautionary tale. So the last two weeks have been especially brutal. I’ve been thinking about everything I’m not. But then I read this buddhist thing about how disatisfaction stems from fixating on worrying about stuff you don’t have right now. Its true. I have a place to stay. I have clothes. I have family. I have a cool job, and my co-workers like me and look up to me. Maybe it’s not my time yet? I scheduled a therapy session for Wednesday.

It’s like I want to be better, but I don’t think my mind is ready for me to reach that? I keep eating sweets and smoking still. It feels like there’s two forces pulling at me. Like one’s just enjoy life. One’s like no life is suffering, embrace that your life is going to be painful.

I’m getting better at sparring. I was rolling from punches and blocking most of the hits. My jabs are surprisingly fast and I can land a few uppercuts and body shots. Still the recoil from blocking left a few bruises on head. Aziz was hitting me especially hard that one match. I went to work feeling light headed and I think the few days after, I felt… feral? I’m sure there’s something about getting smacked that makes you aggressive.

The last few weeks felt like my life was falling apart. I had a good one on one talk with Spencer after I texted him when I was tempted to smoke again. He said something insensitive again. It’s a weird thing to hear that he didn’t want to help me because of many of his insecurities. It’s just… weird confirming that he didn’t want to help me. He told me he thought I was always stronger than him and that I was ahead of him in life. I told him I saw us as equals but I needed him to be a good friend then. I think I felt weakened for a while. Feels like things have been chipping away at me.  We ended the conversation agreeing that we just express things differently, and that he’ll do better to be a better friend for me.

I had a thought recently. I got frustrated with Yudith… I told her I realized everyone I considered close in my life, they don’t seem to know me well. They don’t pay attention to the little details I do and when someone needs something. I guess I just wish people who put in the extra effort for me once in a while. I wish people can understand what I need sometimes. And I guess it’s a weird transitional time because I’m more vocal about it, but they’re not up for it because they’re used to me being low-maintenance. That sucks.

I guess I’m not in a great spot right now. I’m torn by finding a new job, sticking with writing, and maybe even going into school. I’m numb, but I’m felt better today just enjoying what I have.

 

 

Self-Love

I hate these terms. Self-love. Self-care. They make me cringe, but honestly I think I need to learn how to do this shit. It’s just self-hatred is so powerful. I did so much from that feeling, but it’s really not sustainable. I think I finally felt the wear and tear of this mindset. Yes, I do need to learn to master my mind and that’s through discipline, pain, and suffering. But I need to be wary of becoming an unfeeling, intimidating lump. And I think this is also a conversation on balancing pleasure and work. Too much pleasure leads to paranoia, uneasiness, depression, and anxiety. Too much work leads to anger, resentment, and unrealistic expectations.

Or maybe I’m defining self-love wrong. It’s not to say coddle myself. I mean loving someone is also helping them get through their shit right? Like telling someone who is problematic, depressed, and anxious that they’re OK is hellish to them. Because that means there’s no escaping their current situation. Maybe love is being real with someone… But I need to be wary of that too. Love is also acceptance. Maybe it’s acceptance of their flaws, and the desire to help them if they’re in pain and they need to want to change. Reading Buddhist text is calming. One should not impose their ideologies and perceptions onto anyone else. Again balance… I mean my dad just gave up on my mom and there’s no supporting her in her hell. I guess I went the other route where I over identified problems in my relationships and really tried to do something about them. But that was wrong too. The road to hell is paved with good intentions…

I asked Anne if she liked herself. She told me she sometimes doesn’t but generally she does. I told I never liked myself. Ever since I was a kid, I hated myself. I told her I always thought I would die by suicide. That at my most vulnerable state, I’m one mental breakdown from the tipping point.

How do I accept myself? Have I not been forthright? What are the proper sacrifices in life? Is school the right path when debt is looming over my entire adulthood. I mean how am I going to take on a house and support my family when the time comes. I wish someone can give me guidance, but maybe it’s time to stop being a bitch. “God gives you what you can handle.”

Reckless

I’ve been flying down the freeways. My bumper got tore off because I backed up into a pole. My tire exploded as I ran over a pothole. Today, I put my head down while my car was getting checked, and I bumped the car in front me of me. Haha, I think I’m a recipe for disaster. Still, I think I’m taking things in a stride. Nothing is scarier than being in the ring. Nothing is more painful than the work outs I put myself through. Cut my hand opened and didn’t bother me one bit. Blood poured out , but it wasn’t anything compared to getting 5 hr tattoos or burning my hand. I guess I’m tougher now.

I had a great day. I think it’s because I was bringing happiness to many people. I went on a date, but got catfished. She was a very kind and lonely person. We ended up talking for hours, and I think she felt better after. Saw Khari after and took him out the house since it’s been a stressful time in his life. I’m happy I was able to talk to him through some shit he was working through. I never thought I could give him advice on things since I always held him in such high regard. I was on the fence to eat with my family, but I found out Anne was leaving for a month. Took them out to eat. They were happy, and Anne and I finally connected on a deeper level. She’s been going through a hard time. We talked about how fucked up our childhood was. We talked about how we’re not angry at our parents, but it still fucks with us; and we’re dealing with the wreckage. We talked about how we hated our home but now we’re losing it, we feel really sad. So many bad memories there, but it was ours… I got her some high quality weed and we talked the whole night. Now she’s off with her new boyfriend to her rotation. It was really nice having someone who understood what I went through. I just didn’t think I’d get it from my sister since we drifted.

I was so high I didn’t have a filter… And somewhere during the conversation I talked about you. “I’m worried I ruined men for her. I hate myself because I was just everything mom was to us. I just her to be happy, to find a person who will love her right.”

“It takes a lot for you to try to change. It shows a lot of character. I know so many people who don’t even try to change their past. You can’t do anything about you did. But it’s really amazing you’re trying to grow.”

We both teared up about how much we were abused, but we’re also finally able to laugh about it. We laughed a lot. Maybe it was the weed.

I’m feeling…more balanced.

 

 

 

 

Quit

I tried to quit Frank Ocean
No more sad songs
Like how I tried to quit cigarettes
No more sad habits
But I’m addicted to sadness
Because I’m just numb
unfeeling and empty without you.
I need a reality check
because I can get stuck in my head
for days, and I don’t want to be here for another year.
I haven’t found peace
I haven’t found another you
and I can’t seem to quit you.

 

 

 

I can’t escape you. I can’t get you out of my head. We’ve been everywhere together. I was driving, and this song came up. I listened happily and then I realized it was a song you showed me in high school.

 

The truth is I miss you. I miss holding you. I miss our jokes and little stories. I miss how you looked at me. I miss watching you sleep. I miss your drawings. I miss walking with you by my side. I miss the way you feel.  I think I just need to allow myself to feel all of this. I’ve been fighting it the last two days and I think its starting to eat away at me. I’m just going to let myself feel all of this. I miss your hands in mine. I miss the way you sit with your legs tucked into yourself. I miss taking you to get your eyebrows threaded. I miss kissing you in the morning and at night. I miss your unique voice. I miss how you smile with your teeth. I miss how you would curl up in my lap and ask me to brush your hair. I’m happy for the little things you did for me. I’m happy you brought milk tea for me those times after I had been working all day. I’m happy for every time you cooked for me. I’m happy you gave all of yourself to me.

The truth is I haven’t forgiven myself for how I’ve mistreated you. It’s eating away at my idea of myself. I didn’t know how to keep you while improving myself. I let my insecurities with myself and all the chaos in me tear apart our relationship. I didn’t know how to take care of myself… I’ve been smoking because it’s a microversion of killing myself. I have fucking asthma haha and I smoke. I need to be upfront with myself. I need to become better for myself. I don’t know if I’m ready to completely let you go. I don’t know if that’s even an option or possibility.

I know I did so many things wrong to you, and I have to accept them. When I miss you, I’m being selfish. It was the right thing to do. Doing the right thing isn’t supposed to be easy…. what’s the right thing to do? try to move on. Feel these things to their fullest, and try to improve myself.

ok i’mok

I think about you everyday. sometimes, I wish i can wipe you from my memory, but I know there’s some value in this feeling. Look how much I’ve grown… I don’t know what it is yet, but it’s pushing me somewhere. I wanted to be a resilient person who appreciated everything I had, but I’m clearly not that. I suppose I’m a loner, always have been, always will be. That’s not to say I don’t have people whom I care about and people who care about me. Good things will come if I don’t let this hijack my thoughts.

I got some rest after throwing out my back. I think I either sleep weird or boxing has been too explosive on my body. Either way, I’m top heavy and I need to stretch my uneven legs. Nothing new, I’ve been through this pain and I know how to recover fast now.

I don’t really know where I’m going right now. I guess I’m lost again. I want to say writing is my calling, but I’m losing conviction again. Time to get back at it. I really need to quit smoking too. I keep seeing and hearing anti-smoking shit haha.

I talk to myself a lot. Several people told me to do so in the mirror. I remember Jack told me there’s sanity in solitude. I kinda just wanna get high, but weed’s probably not good for a mental case like me haha.

One of these days, I’m going to swim in the ocean and just get high on the beach.

Watch My Resentment

I forgot to bring extra socks. Putting on sweaty, old socks is the worst feeling. Been asthmatic recently, maybe it’s allergies. Maybe it’s the cigarettes. Smoked a bunch on Friday because my tire blew out and it was a rough day with the gala coming. I should be thankful I have the resources to take care of these problems though. Everything is paid for, and I’m good. Took my parents to eat, and I felt happy and at peace for the first time in a while. It was kinda endearing seeing how happy the food made my mom and dad.

I’ve been annoyed with people around me, especially when I see they don’t help others on their own. I get annoyed when they talk a lot about themselves and say things to bolster their image of themselves. I get annoyed when they talk shit about people for trivial reasons. I need to watch these resentment because I’m letting my desire to grow consume me. I need to recognize these are aspects in me as well: selfishness, vanity, the need to put others down.  That’s being human after all…

Today I fought through my asthma during boxing. Oh it was terrible. I was coughing phlegm but I pushed through. Need to internalize moments like this to remember I can always give and endure more. 12 double unders in a row, filed my taxes for the first time, and reading Shakespeare even though it confuses me, dancing salsa even though I’m super self-conscious and holding a woman scares the shit out of me.

My coach got in my face when we were having a planking competition. It always comes down to me and this amazing old man, Jim. Fucking Jim. We were 10 minutes into planking and I was shaking like crazy. His words are burned into my ears.  “Alan you can’t beat him. You’re weak. But this is when you can change your life. Right here. You’re shaking. He’s fine. My bet’s on Jim, guys. If you give up now, Alan, you can take a break, eat a nice breakfast. Don’t you want a break? The hurt will go away.” I spluttered “there is no break!” I hanged on for as long as I could, but then he fucking pulls out a 5lb weight and he was going to put it on my back. I caved in. I wasn’t committed 100% to breaking myself.

“What are you training for?”

“Life.” I finally understand I’m training my mind, not my body.

But I need to be wary. Recently I’ve been too focused on physical output. Like writing 1000 words. I should just be writing the best work I can that day. As for my mental state, I think I’m longing for love and to love. I want to find that feeling for home as well.

Last night I had a vivid dream. I was back at your house, and went through each and every room and saw everyone there. We were in each other’s arms and looking at each other. There was sunlight on your face and you smiled at me and did that thing when you cross your eyes. I saw Anthony playing on the computer. I saw your parents watching TV together. Steph and Alvin were sitting in their bed. I went downstairs to Mr. Zhang and Lu Lu. Halo and BeBe were sitting together. Haha I woke up to a dark room and screamed at my alarm clock, I’M AWAKE!

I had an epiphany one day. Everyone will lose his lover eventually. This is something everyone will feel one day. This is not solely my pain. And the truth is we weren’t happy anymore. I did a lot of bad things. But I finally acted virtuous when I let you go, even though I gave back into those urges so many times. Thank you for being brave and respecting yourself to move on. Because I wanted to go back so many times. It was necessary. Looking back, it was the only answer after all the trauma. You will find a great, better love, and maybe there’s hope for me too.

The truth is I just want to go home. I want to return to something that doesn’t exist. It was so easy to make you my world. I need to watch out for that. I can’t just download all my problems onto someone else. I need to be virtuous because I falter. I need to be strong because I am weak. I need to be ok with being alone. No one will save me. No one gives a fuck. I am my own best bet.

“The man obsessed with succeeding has already failed.”

“the warrior burns himself out. He longs to put down his sword and to return home.”