Watch My Resentment

I forgot to bring extra socks. Putting on sweaty, old socks is the worst feeling. Been asthmatic recently, maybe it’s allergies. Maybe it’s the cigarettes. Smoked a bunch on Friday because my tire blew out and it was a rough day with the gala coming. I should be thankful I have the resources to take care of these problems though. Everything is paid for, and I’m good. Took my parents to eat, and I felt happy and at peace for the first time in a while. It was kinda endearing seeing how happy the food made my mom and dad.

I’ve been annoyed with people around me, especially when I see they don’t help others on their own. I get annoyed when they talk a lot about themselves and say things to bolster their image of themselves. I get annoyed when they talk shit about people for trivial reasons. I need to watch these resentment because I’m letting my desire to grow consume me. I need to recognize these are aspects in me as well: selfishness, vanity, the need to put others down.  That’s being human after all…

Today I fought through my asthma during boxing. Oh it was terrible. I was coughing phlegm but I pushed through. Need to internalize moments like this to remember I can always give and endure more. 12 double unders in a row, filed my taxes for the first time, and reading Shakespeare even though it confuses me, dancing salsa even though I’m super self-conscious and holding a woman scares the shit out of me.

My coach got in my face when we were having a planking competition. It always comes down to me and this amazing old man, Jim. Fucking Jim. We were 10 minutes into planking and I was shaking like crazy. His words are burned into my ears.  “Alan you can’t beat him. You’re weak. But this is when you can change your life. Right here. You’re shaking. He’s fine. My bet’s on Jim, guys. If you give up now, Alan, you can take a break, eat a nice breakfast. Don’t you want a break? The hurt will go away.” I spluttered “there is no break!” I hanged on for as long as I could, but then he fucking pulls out a 5lb weight and he was going to put it on my back. I caved in. I wasn’t committed 100% to breaking myself.

“What are you training for?”

“Life.” I finally understand I’m training my mind, not my body.

But I need to be wary. Recently I’ve been too focused on physical output. Like writing 1000 words. I should just be writing the best work I can that day. As for my mental state, I think I’m longing for love and to love. I want to find that feeling for home as well.

Last night I had a vivid dream. I was back at your house, and went through each and every room and saw everyone there. We were in each other’s arms and looking at each other. There was sunlight on your face and you smiled at me and did that thing when you cross your eyes. I saw Anthony playing on the computer. I saw your parents watching TV together. Steph and Alvin were sitting in their bed. I went downstairs to Mr. Zhang and Lu Lu. Halo and BeBe were sitting together. Haha I woke up to a dark room and screamed at my alarm clock, I’M AWAKE!

I had an epiphany one day. Everyone will lose his lover eventually. This is something everyone will feel one day. This is not solely my pain. And the truth is we weren’t happy anymore. I did a lot of bad things. But I finally acted virtuous when I let you go, even though I gave back into those urges so many times. Thank you for being brave and respecting yourself to move on. Because I wanted to go back so many times. It was necessary. Looking back, it was the only answer after all the trauma. You will find a great, better love, and maybe there’s hope for me too.

The truth is I just want to go home. I want to return to something that doesn’t exist. It was so easy to make you my world. I need to watch out for that. I can’t just download all my problems onto someone else. I need to be virtuous because I falter. I need to be strong because I am weak. I need to be ok with being alone. No one will save me. No one gives a fuck. I am my own best bet.

“The man obsessed with succeeding has already failed.”

“the warrior burns himself out. He longs to put down his sword and to return home.”