I can’t escape you. I can’t get you out of my head. We’ve been everywhere together. I was driving, and this song came up. I listened happily and then I realized it was a song you showed me in high school.
The truth is I miss you. I miss holding you. I miss our jokes and little stories. I miss how you looked at me. I miss watching you sleep. I miss your drawings. I miss walking with you by my side. I miss the way you feel. I think I just need to allow myself to feel all of this. I’ve been fighting it the last two days and I think its starting to eat away at me. I’m just going to let myself feel all of this. I miss your hands in mine. I miss the way you sit with your legs tucked into yourself. I miss taking you to get your eyebrows threaded. I miss kissing you in the morning and at night. I miss your unique voice. I miss how you smile with your teeth. I miss how you would curl up in my lap and ask me to brush your hair. I’m happy for the little things you did for me. I’m happy you brought milk tea for me those times after I had been working all day. I’m happy for every time you cooked for me. I’m happy you gave all of yourself to me.
The truth is I haven’t forgiven myself for how I’ve mistreated you. It’s eating away at my idea of myself. I didn’t know how to keep you while improving myself. I let my insecurities with myself and all the chaos in me tear apart our relationship. I didn’t know how to take care of myself… I’ve been smoking because it’s a microversion of killing myself. I have fucking asthma haha and I smoke. I need to be upfront with myself. I need to become better for myself. I don’t know if I’m ready to completely let you go. I don’t know if that’s even an option or possibility.
I know I did so many things wrong to you, and I have to accept them. When I miss you, I’m being selfish. It was the right thing to do. Doing the right thing isn’t supposed to be easy…. what’s the right thing to do? try to move on. Feel these things to their fullest, and try to improve myself.