I hate these terms. Self-love. Self-care. They make me cringe, but honestly I think I need to learn how to do this shit. It’s just self-hatred is so powerful. I did so much from that feeling, but it’s really not sustainable. I think I finally felt the wear and tear of this mindset. Yes, I do need to learn to master my mind and that’s through discipline, pain, and suffering. But I need to be wary of becoming an unfeeling, intimidating lump. And I think this is also a conversation on balancing pleasure and work. Too much pleasure leads to paranoia, uneasiness, depression, and anxiety. Too much work leads to anger, resentment, and unrealistic expectations.
Or maybe I’m defining self-love wrong. It’s not to say coddle myself. I mean loving someone is also helping them get through their shit right? Like telling someone who is problematic, depressed, and anxious that they’re OK is hellish to them. Because that means there’s no escaping their current situation. Maybe love is being real with someone… But I need to be wary of that too. Love is also acceptance. Maybe it’s acceptance of their flaws, and the desire to help them if they’re in pain and they need to want to change. Reading Buddhist text is calming. One should not impose their ideologies and perceptions onto anyone else. Again balance… I mean my dad just gave up on my mom and there’s no supporting her in her hell. I guess I went the other route where I over identified problems in my relationships and really tried to do something about them. But that was wrong too. The road to hell is paved with good intentions…
I asked Anne if she liked herself. She told me she sometimes doesn’t but generally she does. I told I never liked myself. Ever since I was a kid, I hated myself. I told her I always thought I would die by suicide. That at my most vulnerable state, I’m one mental breakdown from the tipping point.
How do I accept myself? Have I not been forthright? What are the proper sacrifices in life? Is school the right path when debt is looming over my entire adulthood. I mean how am I going to take on a house and support my family when the time comes. I wish someone can give me guidance, but maybe it’s time to stop being a bitch. “God gives you what you can handle.”