vent

Damaged people are drawn to damaged people. That’s what my sister told me. Alice took in a lady who was living in her car for the last few months. She’s my next door neighbor, and I can tell she’s hurting and lonely. She’s not connected to her family and lives with two cats. One night she was drugged out, and she needed to buy milk for whatever reason. I was tired but I agreed to take her. She gets on my nerves because she keeps leaving the door open letting in the bigass nats. I don’t want to kill them, but they keep swarming my room. She buys food and we occasionally smoke together. There’s a sadness to her, but she cares deeply.  That’s the kind of person I am. I’m better at conveying my frustrations without blowing up. I told her I was annoyed with her actions not her. That’d it’d be great if she can close the door. I spent one night catching her cats off the streets. This was after Sushi escaped and I spent 30 minutes looking for him. I got mad that night. It felt like… everyone around was a loser, and I was a loser then. For the last two weeks, I’ve been fixating on things I don’t have. My boss keeps throwing assignments at me, even after I scored 2000 new socks for the homeless. He noticed I was irritated and invited me to talk. I ended up crying. I haven’t cried for a while now. I told him about my parents’ situation. “I’m not ready to be an adult.” He really tried to help me. He recommended therapists and even offered to pay for a few session. “You’re a great kid, but sometimes you seem like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.”

I’ve been trying to find a new job. I just don’t feel stimulated from my job. I’m surprisingly good at getting donations, but i can’t see myself being here forever. Yudith got into Harvard, and I think I was measuring myself to her. I was really happy for her! I’m seriously proud of her and I called her up after she texted me. But it did make me reflect on how I’m not where I want to be… so I’ve been trying to think about school more, but debt is not something I should take lightly. Everyone around me has been a cautionary tale. So the last two weeks have been especially brutal. I’ve been thinking about everything I’m not. But then I read this buddhist thing about how disatisfaction stems from fixating on worrying about stuff you don’t have right now. Its true. I have a place to stay. I have clothes. I have family. I have a cool job, and my co-workers like me and look up to me. Maybe it’s not my time yet? I scheduled a therapy session for Wednesday.

It’s like I want to be better, but I don’t think my mind is ready for me to reach that? I keep eating sweets and smoking still. It feels like there’s two forces pulling at me. Like one’s just enjoy life. One’s like no life is suffering, embrace that your life is going to be painful.

I’m getting better at sparring. I was rolling from punches and blocking most of the hits. My jabs are surprisingly fast and I can land a few uppercuts and body shots. Still the recoil from blocking left a few bruises on head. Aziz was hitting me especially hard that one match. I went to work feeling light headed and I think the few days after, I felt… feral? I’m sure there’s something about getting smacked that makes you aggressive.

The last few weeks felt like my life was falling apart. I had a good one on one talk with Spencer after I texted him when I was tempted to smoke again. He said something insensitive again. It’s a weird thing to hear that he didn’t want to help me because of many of his insecurities. It’s just… weird confirming that he didn’t want to help me. He told me he thought I was always stronger than him and that I was ahead of him in life. I told him I saw us as equals but I needed him to be a good friend then. I think I felt weakened for a while. Feels like things have been chipping away at me.  We ended the conversation agreeing that we just express things differently, and that he’ll do better to be a better friend for me.

I had a thought recently. I got frustrated with Yudith… I told her I realized everyone I considered close in my life, they don’t seem to know me well. They don’t pay attention to the little details I do and when someone needs something. I guess I just wish people who put in the extra effort for me once in a while. I wish people can understand what I need sometimes. And I guess it’s a weird transitional time because I’m more vocal about it, but they’re not up for it because they’re used to me being low-maintenance. That sucks.

I guess I’m not in a great spot right now. I’m torn by finding a new job, sticking with writing, and maybe even going into school. I’m numb, but I’m felt better today just enjoying what I have.