I guess this is me lately

I am no longer a writer. It’s time to let go of this dream. It doesn’t make me happy anymore. I googled ‘how do you know when your dream has died’, ‘when your dream no longer makes you happy’, and ‘am I weak for giving up’. Two answers stayed with me. Someone said dreams and relationships are the same. Sometimes you have to let them die. But that doesn’t meant it was for nothing. Another person told a story about a monkey who had its hand stuck in a bowl because it wouldn’t let go a fruit. I guess I’m writing all this because all these things I said were me are no longer me. So who the hell am I now? Shrugs all around. Still… it’s hard for me to just leave writing. I can’t tell if it’s a lack of discipline or I’m being delusional.

I’m trying new things. Went to yoga class. It was quite nice and very different from the intensity of boxing. Still challenging. I don’t bend this way. I had a therapy session on Wednesday, and she seemed pretty helpful. I had the best sparring session yet. My lips and nose got cut up, but I was dodging punches unlike I ever could. It was exciting to see the punches miss your head and then you hit back. Oh and I guess I’m going to try to move out in June. Me and my coworker were talking and hopefully this works out –can’t handle crazy lady and I don’t want to be tyrant.

I just don’t want to hear her screaming her cats name every night. If you really care just watch your cat when you go out! Don’t just leave them out and then freak out hours later when they don’t come back. And stop leaving the door open. The bigass nats are going to get smacked by my books, and I don’t want to kill them even though they ugly. She keeps talking to them and talking about me to them. It’s weird. I don’t know man…. But lately I’ve been thinking and its kinda cold and harsh, but I need to watch out for who I let into my life. I’m rethinking my closest friends too… I want to be kind and respectful to everyone like this lady, but she crossed the line too many times. I sat with her one night and listened to how she fucked up her life. She kept asking about lily and my past as she looked through all of lily’s old beauty products. I said you could have them didn’t I? Isn’t that enough? She kept trying to say I didn’t try hard enough to win lily back, and how her life was so much harder than mine. She kept saying how she’s older than me and she knows so much. “You know what I can’t do this anymore. You might be older than me, but you don’t know shit about me. And you don’t know anything more than I do. I’m trying to be nice to you, but you have nothing for me and I want nothing from you. Goodnight.”

I confronted her one night when she kept screaming. I told her she needs to respect my space, but I could tell she got annoyed. I don’t want to be mean, but some people need to be pushed back. I let her blab on and I stared daggers at her until she got the message “are we going to have a fucking problem?” It made me feel sick to my stomach… It reminded me of how cruel I could be…

I was getting coffee at like 5 AM one morning, and this homeless guy asked me for change. Told him I didn’t have any on me, and he begged again. It’s for the bus he says. I sighed and said I’ll check my car. Found like two dollars worth in coins and gave it to him. And then this guy asks for more money for food. I got really mad then… I got up in his face then and asked him to repeat that shit again. Sorry sorry he said I’m sorry. He told me this stupid sob story. Fine, I said come inside I’ll buy you a meal. “I can’t go in there. People will see me.” Oh man I got really pissed then. “Fuck your pride. You want me to go in there buy you food and not eat myself, come back out to hand you the food because you’re embarrassed. Look at yourself. Look at how you’re asking me and you wanna talk about pride. Fuck you and your pride. If you want to eat, you eat on my terms.” Had to drag this motherfucker inside and eat with him. I don’t know… it was stupid. Got him some food and an old jacket in my trunk. I feel myself becoming angry and cold. I don’t want to be the one to say these things. There’s no helping some people… And maybe that’s how people feel about me… “Hey I’m sorry for lying. You really helped me out. I’m sorry I wasn’t honest. I really just needed food. This was really nice of you. And you listened to my story. It was the nicest thing someone did for me in a while.” The saddest part was I didn’t give a fuck…

I’m not a good person, so maybe I deserve all this stupid shit. I’m trying but the harder I try, the harder life seems to hit me back. I just want some relief…