Something New?

I don’t think I can run on anger and self-hatred anymore. Today I really felt the extent of that fuel. I didn’t have it in me to fight. I just burned out. Couldn’t finish the work out strong. Just half-assed it while the coach yelled at me -and this is the guy who trains manny pacquiao! If I’m honest, I’m not angry at myself anymore. In fact, I think I’m trying to love myself… Sounds lame.

I think I need to appreciate just how far I’ve gone. How much I’ve changed my thinking, how much I’ve learned, and how differently I approach things now. I need to take stock of all this. I came a long way, and I have value as a person… That’s what I need to see now. I couldn’t love myself properly, so I didn’t love her properly. What I deny in others, is what I deny myself… And the truth is I’m that wounded child who was put down too many times. I developed a quitter’s mind as David Goggins calls it. When I’m in pain now, I can’t be angry anymore. Because the anger only exacerbates all the pain. I need to remember what I’ve accomplished, what I’m capable of, and the talent in me that no one says hey good job (of course you did all this for me, you were the only one who encouraged me, and maybe that’s why I feel so indebted  to you).

The dark room had dim lanterns hanging. I stared up as each notch of my spine popped on the cushion. Yoga hurts. Not like how my muscles scream when I’m fighting. But in a more slow, suffocating way? Still, as I laid there, I finally felt at peace. And it was weird, I think I wanted to cry. I didn’t. But it was at the edge of my eyes. It was just like all the tension in my body finally left me. I fell asleep. I gasped when I felt the instructor correct my form. After class, I found myself on the rooftop, chilling, as I watched the sun set. And I just remember how peaceful everything felt.

I’ve been attending Buddhist lectures. I think the last one covered the danger of alienating yourself and your emotions. It’s sorta gets back to that Jung idea of suppressing yourself and your needs. There were some other things that resonated with me then. For whatever reason I can’t access it right now… I think basically I’m at the stage where I developed awareness, but my mind is processing in the wrong way… I don’t know.

I woke up before my alarm to a strange dream. We were sitting across each other in a cafe and I put my hand over yours. I said sorry for every time I hurt you, and it seemed you finally forgave me. I remember brushing your cheek with my hand.

Well it’s very easy to fall into a depressive dump these days.

Things I’m proud of…

  1. it’s been a whole week since I had a cigarette
  2. I tried salsa dancing a few times, realize I don’t like the class
  3. I’ve been boxing for 4 months, and I’m still getting better
  4. I tried yoga class for the first time last weekend and I loved it
  5. I reached past my preconceived limit working out. I have abs!
  6. I’m able to take my parents out to eat now
  7. I’m on my own. I pay for rent. I pay for my car. I have a cool job. I paid my way through college.
  8. I quit a toxic work environment and found something better
  9. I fought through depression and mental breakdowns for as long as I remember
  10. I conquered anxiety! Haven’t had anxiety for the last two years!
  11. I learned to ollie and powerslide!
  12. resolved conflicts at work in a mature manner
  13. I wake up and do more in my mornings than I ever did throughout whole days, a year ago.

Things i need to work on

  1. having more discipline
  2. rewire my mindset to recognize my own capabilities; endure pain..
  3. I must not think about the whole process. I must think about each pain as it is in the moment.
  4. learn more because I’m not smart enough. learn more about budgeting and financial shit.