Throwaway

It’s a silly fear. It’s a silly fear that I’ll never love again. I’ve become colder. I fear the best part of me has died. Some people are simply not worth my kindness. Some people are not worth helping. People who have not looked deeply into themselves only burden others with their problems. I’ve tried to help too many people who have only pulled me down. When it’s sad thing to admit I was too good for them. I only wanted to help them because I understood what it was like to have nothing. To feel complete loneliness. To feel like everything was dragging you down and no one is there for you. I got angry with them because I needed help and found that they did not want to or they could not help me. What a silly joke. What a silly problem to have. Ultimately, it was a selfish problem. Maybe I only helped others because I wanted help myself. Maybe I was just being selfish. Loving you was the best thing I accomplished. It felt like my life had purpose loving someone. And there were moments I felt I transcended all the shit I was living through. But maybe it was all a distraction. I’ve been trying to find my purpose this whole time. I’ve been trying to improve myself. Every day I fight myself and all my demons. I faced many of my fears. But there’s always something new to fight. And sometimes I can’t say if all of this is worth losing you. I don’t know sometimes.

I’ve been living life like a monk, and maybe that’s why it sucks haha. I’ve been avoiding dating all together now. At this point, I think I’m on the path to being celibate. For a while I wasn’t eating at all. Now, I’m eating a lot. I’m afraid I’ll lose my connection to who I was. But that’s silly. That’s obviously not the case. I yelled at crazy cat lady because she keeps having psychotic conversations with her stupid cats. She lets them run off then pretends to search for them later, screaming them their name really loudly at like 11 PM. She kept telling me to move my car, and I felt anger boiling in me. I moved my car and I simply wanted to be left alone. But she kept trying to talk to me. “Who did park behind?” Spencer, I answered behind my door. “What?” Spencer, I yelled. “What?” Fucking shut up! I threw something against the wall. Why are you still talking to me? Just go.  “Oh I didn’t hear you. I just heard you say something.” I got in her face then. Shut the fuck up. Why are you like this? How can you be like this? You know why you’re in this situation? You know why you were homeless and why your family doesn’t like you? Because it’s your own goddamn fault. “the thing about me is I’m stupid and old.” You’re not old! Alice is old. My parents are old. I never thought you were stupid. You don’t respect other people. You don’t respect Alice for letting you stay here. You let your cats run around and they scratched up her cats. That costed Alice 600 dollars for surgery. You don’t watch them and you just let them run around. You let them go into my room and I told I didn’t like that and that I’m allergic. You keep leaving the door open. So shut the fuck up. You’re not allowed to talk to me anymore. I slammed my door in her face and punched a giant hole in the wall…

And it just all felt too familiar. And the scary part was the whole time I was yelling, there was a voice in my head telling me to stop. I saw myself outside my body, and I remember the times I lost control. And the voice kept telling me to stop. And I saw the hole, and I was disgusted with myself. I sat on the floor, ashamed and feeling that too familiar self-hatred. My hands all cut up. And I just sat, sad that I hadn’t changed at all. And the saddest part is… I started to scold myself in the most delusional ways. She’ll never come back if you never change. Haha. No one can love you if you’re like this. You’ll always be alone if you’re like this. You’re unfit to love. I fell asleep in a terrible haze.

The next day I dragged my sorry ass to yoga where during the deepest of stretches and meditation, I found myself seeing flashes of strange images. I saw a map of a city, colored pebbles, your smiling face, the words “RAV”, and then an airplane. Gibberish. I drove around before another work event, when I decided to stop and jot down thoughts. The gems were: “You were right to be angry, but how you reacted was completely wrong.” That voice telling yourself to stop, that was lily. I sadly smiled to myself. Even now you’re helping me.

How pathetic can I be…? I’m trying my best. Every day is literally a struggle against myself… I should be kinder to myself.