I read something that I wish I could say to you. Maybe you’ll read this one day.
“I know you have suffered a lot. I know I have contribute to your suffering. I haven’t been very mindful or skillful. I didn’t understand your suffering and difficulties enough. I have said and done things that made the situation worse. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Your happiness, safety, freedom, and joy are important to me. Because I have been caught in my own suffering, I may have given you the impression that I wanted to make you suffer… your happiness is crucial to my happiness.” From How to Fight by Thich Nhat Hanh
I will not shy away from what I’ve done to you. And if loneliness is my punishment until I’ve truly learned, then throw some peanuts my way. Say I do learn self-love and I become a better partner, I’ll always feel sad I couldn’t be him for you. But enough of this sad shit.
My therapist told me to draw my depression as something tangible. I drew a roach, and named him Kafka. A while back, I was at a bar and the saddest dude somehow told me his whole depression story. He told me he felt like the bug dude from Metamorphosis. I asked for his name. He said it didn’t matter. Honestly, he was a neckbeardy kind of guy. I was abhorred. Dude why would you say that. I know you’re depressed. I get it man. It really sucks. But you gotta start changing things up. Get out of your room when you feel it coming. Starting working out. Try to make the right friends. And watch some Jordan Peterson videos. Read his book! Haha, looking back from now, I should follow my own advice.
Anyways, I’ll have to deal with Kafka next session.
I’m just a dude figuring shit out. I’m just a dude trying my best. I’m just a dude who wants things to be OK. I’m just a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude.
I need to rehearse actions out of love rather than sadness -that’s gay.