Normal

I cover my ears
I cover my hand
I cover my eyes
Sometimes I wonder about this life I live
I wonder if this is the extent
if this is what I’ll feel for the next day, week, month, year, until my death
I’m a heartbreak kid.
There’s no going back, I told my therapist -there’s no normal for me.
Define normal she asked me
I thought a little and smiled. I see what you’re doing.
We’re going to talk about the illusion of normal, of stability, of that one day.
I know about my delusions thankyouverymuch.
So I’ll say I don’t know normal
But I know I’m not that
How do you know?
B/c you can tell when you watch the way people talk
the way they laugh
the way they move – it’s not anything tangible or physical
it’s something sentimental
something you feel like when you touch the grooves of cracked porcelain
as texturous as running your fingers over the cracks on asphalt
It’s something you feel. It’s in our blueprints, our DNA, our pack mentality
a binary yes/no and let me tell you you just know when your mind says no,
that’s not normal.
Well where do we go from here?
B/c I realize I won’t ever have that suburban home with a happy, beautiful wife
with kids who go to school. That’s not written on my map, not in my blueprint,
not in my DNA.