A clock tick tick tick
like molasses drip drip drip
piano keys in a dusty room
unyielding to the metronome
my hesitant hands, my searching eyes
my nervous heart. Myself in time
One day. Some day. This day.
Not here, not now I had wished
I had always wished.
Sunlight in the room
laptop keys click click click
words from my sleeves
and a smile from my lover no more
my hesitant hands, my searching eyes
my nervous heart. Myself in time.
This day. Always, I thought.
I had wished.
like a monk’s mokugyo
snick snick snick
I am a kid listening
I am an adult stretching
my hesitant hands, my searching eyes
my nervous heart. Myself in time.
Some day, I’ll find it
in another time, another place.
Today, I am melancholy
these thoughts unyielding
day by day, a slow march
the ticking of seconds
the passing of minutes
hour by hour until I am in another time and place.
One day. Some day. This day.
I had always wished.
I’m practicing mindfulness more. Sometimes I notice I’m just going through the motions. Sometimes I’m longing for the past. Sometimes I’m longing for a better future. There’s no peace in either. I think the best I can get is just savoring whatever I have in the moment. I try to really taste the food I’m eating now. Chew slower. I try to stop and stare at the sky a little longer. I try to enjoy my workouts, and the burning pain. I try to enjoy the beauty of the places I’m fortunate enough to see. It’s cool I do a lot of interesting things now. I’m happy for my tattoos. I’m happy for a place to stay. I’m happy for the interesting people I’ve met. I’m happy I’m doing an incredible job. It’s a practice everyday to appreciate what you have in a way. And it’s one thing to say it, write it, but it’s another thing to actually feel it.
It’s a silly fear. It’s a silly fear that I’ll never love again. I’ve become colder. I fear the best part of me has died. Some people are simply not worth my kindness. Some people are not worth helping. People who have not looked deeply into themselves only burden others with their problems. I’ve tried to help too many people who have only pulled me down. When it’s sad thing to admit I was too good for them. I only wanted to help them because I understood what it was like to have nothing. To feel complete loneliness. To feel like everything was dragging you down and no one is there for you. I got angry with them because I needed help and found that they did not want to or they could not help me. What a silly joke. What a silly problem to have. Ultimately, it was a selfish problem. Maybe I only helped others because I wanted help myself. Maybe I was just being selfish. Loving you was the best thing I accomplished. It felt like my life had purpose loving someone. And there were moments I felt I transcended all the shit I was living through. But maybe it was all a distraction. I’ve been trying to find my purpose this whole time. I’ve been trying to improve myself. Every day I fight myself and all my demons. I faced many of my fears. But there’s always something new to fight. And sometimes I can’t say if all of this is worth losing you. I don’t know sometimes.
I’ve been living life like a monk, and maybe that’s why it sucks haha. I’ve been avoiding dating all together now. At this point, I think I’m on the path to being celibate. For a while I wasn’t eating at all. Now, I’m eating a lot. I’m afraid I’ll lose my connection to who I was. But that’s silly. That’s obviously not the case. I yelled at crazy cat lady because she keeps having psychotic conversations with her stupid cats. She lets them run off then pretends to search for them later, screaming them their name really loudly at like 11 PM. She kept telling me to move my car, and I felt anger boiling in me. I moved my car and I simply wanted to be left alone. But she kept trying to talk to me. “Who did park behind?” Spencer, I answered behind my door. “What?” Spencer, I yelled. “What?” Fucking shut up! I threw something against the wall. Why are you still talking to me? Just go. “Oh I didn’t hear you. I just heard you say something.” I got in her face then. Shut the fuck up. Why are you like this? How can you be like this? You know why you’re in this situation? You know why you were homeless and why your family doesn’t like you? Because it’s your own goddamn fault. “the thing about me is I’m stupid and old.” You’re not old! Alice is old. My parents are old. I never thought you were stupid. You don’t respect other people. You don’t respect Alice for letting you stay here. You let your cats run around and they scratched up her cats. That costed Alice 600 dollars for surgery. You don’t watch them and you just let them run around. You let them go into my room and I told I didn’t like that and that I’m allergic. You keep leaving the door open. So shut the fuck up. You’re not allowed to talk to me anymore. I slammed my door in her face and punched a giant hole in the wall…
And it just all felt too familiar. And the scary part was the whole time I was yelling, there was a voice in my head telling me to stop. I saw myself outside my body, and I remember the times I lost control. And the voice kept telling me to stop. And I saw the hole, and I was disgusted with myself. I sat on the floor, ashamed and feeling that too familiar self-hatred. My hands all cut up. And I just sat, sad that I hadn’t changed at all. And the saddest part is… I started to scold myself in the most delusional ways. She’ll never come back if you never change. Haha. No one can love you if you’re like this. You’ll always be alone if you’re like this. You’re unfit to love. I fell asleep in a terrible haze.
The next day I dragged my sorry ass to yoga where during the deepest of stretches and meditation, I found myself seeing flashes of strange images. I saw a map of a city, colored pebbles, your smiling face, the words “RAV”, and then an airplane. Gibberish. I drove around before another work event, when I decided to stop and jot down thoughts. The gems were: “You were right to be angry, but how you reacted was completely wrong.” That voice telling yourself to stop, that was lily. I sadly smiled to myself. Even now you’re helping me.
How pathetic can I be…? I’m trying my best. Every day is literally a struggle against myself… I should be kinder to myself.
My parents & I walked around, searching for a restaurant to eat. I had suggested a noodle place fairly close to where I’m living. But my dad was more drawn to the crowded restaurant across the street. It turned out to be a Hunan place, and I didn’t think much about it. While we waited, I stood outside another restaurant and saw their slogan: “winner winner chicken dinner.” I chuckled to myself. I can’t seem to escape you sometimes. haha I cried spicy tears eating the food you and your family love to eat.
I stood at the open doors of the yoga studio. An early morning breeze swept in and I tried to savor it. The morning birds chirped away and I just thought that it was nice to experience this. After class, I drove to the park and met a woman, Crystal, doing pull ups. We worked out together because I’m feeling really in shape.
The boxing gym was throwing a goodbye party for one of the coaches, Pete. I was invited and saw all the regulars there. It was nice feeling like i was a part of a family. I sat outside chatting with my coach and two other guys. We watched the construction workers shoot up a wall with nails. “The gym’s gonna close in a year, probably. The landlord wants to sell it. Justin wants to move to Denver. Me. I’m thinking about moving to Florida or New York. Got family there. Let me tell you something, kid. Nothing lasts forever. But it makes you realize you gotta use the opportunities in front of you.”
“I hate Hollywood, but this is the one place I like.”
It seems like we’re all moving towards something, and we’re all apart of this flowing current. And sometimes the current splits and we flow down different streams. It was bittersweet hearing how so many people are moving. Sometimes I wonder if there’s cosmic shifts in the world that causes people to act a certain way. haha.
Today was nice. Bittersweet in a way. Nothing lasts forever. Pain doesn’t last forever. Happiness doesn’t last forever. Love doesn’t last forever. And maybe I finally can appreciate the beauty of that fleetingness.
Forgive the pain
that I’ve endured
the curses, the
abuse and hurt
passed onto me
Forgive the pain
I passed to her
was good to us
To forgive you
To have loved you
To forget us.
I don’t think I can run on anger and self-hatred anymore. Today I really felt the extent of that fuel. I didn’t have it in me to fight. I just burned out. Couldn’t finish the work out strong. Just half-assed it while the coach yelled at me -and this is the guy who trains manny pacquiao! If I’m honest, I’m not angry at myself anymore. In fact, I think I’m trying to love myself… Sounds lame.
I think I need to appreciate just how far I’ve gone. How much I’ve changed my thinking, how much I’ve learned, and how differently I approach things now. I need to take stock of all this. I came a long way, and I have value as a person… That’s what I need to see now. I couldn’t love myself properly, so I didn’t love her properly. What I deny in others, is what I deny myself… And the truth is I’m that wounded child who was put down too many times. I developed a quitter’s mind as David Goggins calls it. When I’m in pain now, I can’t be angry anymore. Because the anger only exacerbates all the pain. I need to remember what I’ve accomplished, what I’m capable of, and the talent in me that no one says hey good job (of course you did all this for me, you were the only one who encouraged me, and maybe that’s why I feel so indebted to you).
The dark room had dim lanterns hanging. I stared up as each notch of my spine popped on the cushion. Yoga hurts. Not like how my muscles scream when I’m fighting. But in a more slow, suffocating way? Still, as I laid there, I finally felt at peace. And it was weird, I think I wanted to cry. I didn’t. But it was at the edge of my eyes. It was just like all the tension in my body finally left me. I fell asleep. I gasped when I felt the instructor correct my form. After class, I found myself on the rooftop, chilling, as I watched the sun set. And I just remember how peaceful everything felt.
I’ve been attending Buddhist lectures. I think the last one covered the danger of alienating yourself and your emotions. It’s sorta gets back to that Jung idea of suppressing yourself and your needs. There were some other things that resonated with me then. For whatever reason I can’t access it right now… I think basically I’m at the stage where I developed awareness, but my mind is processing in the wrong way… I don’t know.
I woke up before my alarm to a strange dream. We were sitting across each other in a cafe and I put my hand over yours. I said sorry for every time I hurt you, and it seemed you finally forgave me. I remember brushing your cheek with my hand.
Well it’s very easy to fall into a depressive dump these days.
Things I’m proud of…
- it’s been a whole week since I had a cigarette
- I tried salsa dancing a few times, realize I don’t like the class
- I’ve been boxing for 4 months, and I’m still getting better
- I tried yoga class for the first time last weekend and I loved it
- I reached past my preconceived limit working out. I have abs!
- I’m able to take my parents out to eat now
- I’m on my own. I pay for rent. I pay for my car. I have a cool job. I paid my way through college.
- I quit a toxic work environment and found something better
- I fought through depression and mental breakdowns for as long as I remember
- I conquered anxiety! Haven’t had anxiety for the last two years!
- I learned to ollie and powerslide!
- resolved conflicts at work in a mature manner
- I wake up and do more in my mornings than I ever did throughout whole days, a year ago.
Things i need to work on
- having more discipline
- rewire my mindset to recognize my own capabilities; endure pain..
- I must not think about the whole process. I must think about each pain as it is in the moment.
- learn more because I’m not smart enough. learn more about budgeting and financial shit.
4 days no smoking
I grit my teeth when I sleep
Too much caffeine
Too much weed
Not enough sleep
I’m not optimal
I’m barely functional
Coffee and jazz, with no cigarettes
I like melancholy jazz
And the jazz that sounds like
you got a bee in your head
No smooth jazz, no elevator music
Jagged jazz, weird jazz, tangent jazz
is where it’s at
I threw the pack away
It’s a sad habit
And I don’t want to be sad anymore
Quit all sad habits.
Trade all future packs
For a pair of running shoes
Buy a good pair and hit the road
Feel my legs shatter and maybe
I’ll find some peace.
Maybe I’ll become a marathon runner
Maybe I’ll remember what it’s like to breathe.
I’m a fucking ray of sunshine
Happy beyond words
I’m the happiest, the bestest
Happy is a persona
Happy is what people like!
Happy is what people respond to
Problem is what do you do when
You’re not happy
And all the people go away
Weh weh weh weh
I am no longer a writer. It’s time to let go of this dream. It doesn’t make me happy anymore. I googled ‘how do you know when your dream has died’, ‘when your dream no longer makes you happy’, and ‘am I weak for giving up’. Two answers stayed with me. Someone said dreams and relationships are the same. Sometimes you have to let them die. But that doesn’t meant it was for nothing. Another person told a story about a monkey who had its hand stuck in a bowl because it wouldn’t let go a fruit. I guess I’m writing all this because all these things I said were me are no longer me. So who the hell am I now? Shrugs all around. Still… it’s hard for me to just leave writing. I can’t tell if it’s a lack of discipline or I’m being delusional.
I’m trying new things. Went to yoga class. It was quite nice and very different from the intensity of boxing. Still challenging. I don’t bend this way. I had a therapy session on Wednesday, and she seemed pretty helpful. I had the best sparring session yet. My lips and nose got cut up, but I was dodging punches unlike I ever could. It was exciting to see the punches miss your head and then you hit back. Oh and I guess I’m going to try to move out in June. Me and my coworker were talking and hopefully this works out –can’t handle crazy lady and I don’t want to be tyrant.
I just don’t want to hear her screaming her cats name every night. If you really care just watch your cat when you go out! Don’t just leave them out and then freak out hours later when they don’t come back. And stop leaving the door open. The bigass nats are going to get smacked by my books, and I don’t want to kill them even though they ugly. She keeps talking to them and talking about me to them. It’s weird. I don’t know man…. But lately I’ve been thinking and its kinda cold and harsh, but I need to watch out for who I let into my life. I’m rethinking my closest friends too… I want to be kind and respectful to everyone like this lady, but she crossed the line too many times. I sat with her one night and listened to how she fucked up her life. She kept asking about lily and my past as she looked through all of lily’s old beauty products. I said you could have them didn’t I? Isn’t that enough? She kept trying to say I didn’t try hard enough to win lily back, and how her life was so much harder than mine. She kept saying how she’s older than me and she knows so much. “You know what I can’t do this anymore. You might be older than me, but you don’t know shit about me. And you don’t know anything more than I do. I’m trying to be nice to you, but you have nothing for me and I want nothing from you. Goodnight.”
I confronted her one night when she kept screaming. I told her she needs to respect my space, but I could tell she got annoyed. I don’t want to be mean, but some people need to be pushed back. I let her blab on and I stared daggers at her until she got the message “are we going to have a fucking problem?” It made me feel sick to my stomach… It reminded me of how cruel I could be…
I was getting coffee at like 5 AM one morning, and this homeless guy asked me for change. Told him I didn’t have any on me, and he begged again. It’s for the bus he says. I sighed and said I’ll check my car. Found like two dollars worth in coins and gave it to him. And then this guy asks for more money for food. I got really mad then… I got up in his face then and asked him to repeat that shit again. Sorry sorry he said I’m sorry. He told me this stupid sob story. Fine, I said come inside I’ll buy you a meal. “I can’t go in there. People will see me.” Oh man I got really pissed then. “Fuck your pride. You want me to go in there buy you food and not eat myself, come back out to hand you the food because you’re embarrassed. Look at yourself. Look at how you’re asking me and you wanna talk about pride. Fuck you and your pride. If you want to eat, you eat on my terms.” Had to drag this motherfucker inside and eat with him. I don’t know… it was stupid. Got him some food and an old jacket in my trunk. I feel myself becoming angry and cold. I don’t want to be the one to say these things. There’s no helping some people… And maybe that’s how people feel about me… “Hey I’m sorry for lying. You really helped me out. I’m sorry I wasn’t honest. I really just needed food. This was really nice of you. And you listened to my story. It was the nicest thing someone did for me in a while.” The saddest part was I didn’t give a fuck…
I’m not a good person, so maybe I deserve all this stupid shit. I’m trying but the harder I try, the harder life seems to hit me back. I just want some relief…