New Goals

My dusty mirror covered with crossed goals says I’m good. I’m not a famous writer yet. I don’t have a psychology degree yet. But everything else is done. Maybe those are like life time goals, and everything I’ve accomplished can be a testament to how much I’ve grown. Anyways, maybe I feel lost lately because I need new goals.

  • Get over heartbreak
  • Tattoo (next week)
  • Move out/ Move away
  • Solo Travel
  • New Job/School
  • Shave the ole mustachio

I remember a while back, I felt the same pain of stagnancy. My mind wanted to be somewhere else, but my conditions mandated that I stay put. It was a strange coincidence that a new friend from yoga class repeated a thought to me that I’ve been trying to process. Robbie is this very interesting surfer/mma fighter/really chill guy, and he almost said it verbatim: the right things and people will find you in the right time. in the meantime just try to enjoy yourself. 

Anyways, where am I going with this? I tend to think I need to have everything right now or I won’t be complete. Like if I don’t have love now, I’ll be lonely for the rest of life. Or if I don’t have a dream job now, I’ll be stuck forever. But this is the truth of impermanence. Just as good things go, bad things go too. When I was in the ring, with my head screaming, my stomach knotted, my arms numb and I unable to raise them, I was able to push through the pain. A few hours later, I had completely forgotten the pain as I was sitting at my desk drinking Lee’s coffee. Happiness has left me, but pain will leave me one day as well. Cycles and cycles until death.

Yesterday was nice. We had a corp date by the beach. Chilled out with some Netflix people. I haven’t been to the beach for a while. I saw us a year ago, walking down the same road.

 

 

 

Death of Karmic Connection

Late at night, I’d stay up with you doing homework across our computer screens. I remember I had every excuse to hang out with you, even though I was already finished with my homework. You weren’t mine. I sat in my dark room with a blindingly white light, and I remember re-reading our conversations and your aim profile long after we stopped talking. You usually fell asleep at your computer. You had shown me this song, and I couldn’t stop listening to it. I guess it’s funny now that I’d stumble across it again with a similar pining for you.

I guess I’m looking back with some happiness, rather than sadness. You were honestly a dream come true when you told me you loved me. But I think I always placed you on a pedestal as the one person who would take away all my pain. It was an impossible role for you. At the same time I have to be honest about our relationship; you were really good to me. You had all the best intention, but you didn’t understand me and what I needed. I was awfully alone with you. A lot of the times, it felt like I had to figure out your problems and protect you. I would say this was completely my fault, but the truth is we were both at fault. You weren’t a strong partner, and I had to be the strong one when a lot of times I couldn’t.

 

Well where do I go from here? I don’t know. I haven’t been happy for so long. It wasn’t a perfect relationship. There were a lot of things wrong with both of us. I’m learning to manage my anger. Apparently, it’s all about breathing! I’m learning to manage my expectations. I’m learning to be confident in myself. I’m learning to be OK with being vulnerable and expressing my pain when they arise. I’m learning to identify delusions. I guess I fear always being blown away to something else. It never feels like I’m anchored with my living situation, work, my family and their living situation. Buddhism preaches the truth of impermanence; it’s just nothing has felt stable for so long. Maybe this is the jumping off point to where I’m supposed to be. HEYYYYY when do I stop feeling like shit?

I scowl a lot. I munch on trail mix like some old man. I got that old man strength now haha. Got this vein in my forehead now.

 

Today I woke up, and I decided to choose happiness.

Go Unfuck Yourself

dialectical thinking: two opposing truths can exist at the same time. refers to the ability to view issues from multiple perspectives and to arrive at the most economical and reasonable reconciliation of seemingly contradictory information and postures.

we loved each other deeply. it was a relationship in which we held each other back, resulting in toxicity and abuse. i had to leave because my needs weren’t being fulfilled. she needed to leave because she wasn’t happy with me anymore. it had to be, my boy! i relapse so much because she made that child in me feel loved in all the ways I wasn’t.

my friend does care about me. he is ignorant of my needs because he can barely manage to improve himself.

i loved wrongfully. i love deeply, bravely, generously giving all of myself and focus to others. because i do this, i get hurt a lot. i lash out because of how much i get hurt.

i was a physically abusive man (i take full responsibility). i received a lot of pain and abuse growing up (it’s not your fault, will!).

***

“maybe it’s time you accept that you’re a great person.”
“i want to, but my entire body rejects the idea. remember how you asked about how my body felt. well i feel it now. It’s a no.”
“you seem like you have this idea you’ll return to who you use to be in a snap. you’re not thinking about how far you’ve come.”
“it’s my core. if that’s who i am. then i’ll always return to it?”
“No. People really can change.”
“i appreciate you saying that. but you’re just seeing an edited version of me. for all you know i can just be a bullshitter. you’ve never seen me when i exploded. how can i believe that?”
“That’s fair. Well let me put it this way i’ve seen many people and the fact that you recognize your past was wrong, the fact that you were the one to end things, the fact that you have been trying to redeem yourself – i mean you’re here right now. you’re obviously very introspective so you’re conscientious, and you’re emphatic. you’ve been through a lot. but i see someone who really put in the work to understand himself and others.”
“I don’t feel like i’m enough still. when will i finally be ok with myself.”
“That’s going to take time and effort.”
“I’m just so tired of trying to improve myself. it’s like i’m happy she’ll get to be with someone better, but again i’m still heartbroken and lonely. It’s like whenever I choose to improve myself, who cares? i’m still dealing with the fallout. it’s like hey i’m happy my mom is okay now, but i got really fucked up from that. when will i be ok?

***

Unwanted daughter, homeless wanderer
I called lover, did you find home
after the Vegas skyline?

Loner, I wasn’t better
I wanted to be like your father,
a good man, your protector.
It wasn’t in my nature.
Loveless daughter, frequent flyer
I hope you soar higher
and find another,
a home with someone better.

 

 

 

 

The Art of Loneliness

Reverb for those solo echoes, no one will save you. Frank Ocean understands me.  No, I understand you, Frank O! Time spent in my head, high all the time thinking. Addict to all things: cigarettes, sugar, sadness, you. I’ve been here again. Watch the planes for my dad when I ran away from home. Watch my dad stare at the planes. You realize you’re not anyone’s 1. And you realize you’re not your own 1. Solo travel is cool, being alone gets old. In prison, among rapists and murderers,  the worst thing you can do to punish someone is to keep them alone. I watched the stars wondering if somehow I can make you come back just like how you watched the stars for my happiness. I am a lone wolf, but life isn’t fiction -you don’t want to be the antihero in real life. Been exiled from my real pack, not my starter pack. Self exiled from home home. Back then being alone meant death. If you were ostracized from the pack, you were most likely going to die either by predator or by nature’s will. Is it selfish to say only you can make me happy?

***

I got a few loving texts from friends. Maybe this is my journey – learning to be happy without romantic love. My coworkers love me. My family loves me. I’m doing well, doing a lot, more than I thought I could ever do.  Maybe loneliness isn’t an art, just an artifice.

And maybe if I can find love here and now, I can find love again…

Manny Pacquiao’s coach said I was hardcore! He also called me a dense motherfucker haha

Sometimes my heart needs to vomit

I don’t want to be the worst thing to have happened to you. I want to be angry with you so I can move on with my life. But why do I only have the happy memories now? I spent my day off missing you. That’s why I work myself to exhaustion; it’s so I don’t have to think about you!

Cozy Thai’s pad thai was good. First bite, I remember us scrambling to open an episode of Bob’s Burger before we settled in and ate together. I remember smiling at you and brushing your cheek. You held my hand there, and stared at me with love. Goddamn, you really broke my heart. But that’s not true at all! I broke both of our hearts when I left you. Was I really the worst person who came into your life that you’d see my friend but you won’t give a damn about me anymore? lol, I need to move the fuck on, but I don’t want to be attractive to any other woman. I am my own greatest saboteur, Benedict Arnold motherfucker.

 

Rainy days are your days. But really, every day is your day. Rainy nights are different. Nah, I think about you at night too. The sad part is I know if I were ever lucky enough to see you again, we’d both know we’re not the same persons anymore.

Hey, I miss you like that first night you slept over and I held my breath. I miss you like that day I sat across you in the restaurant and I sliced a burger for you and you stared at me like I was an adorable creature. Hey, I miss you like how you were sad and I opened that soda I dropped to make you laugh. I miss you like how I like the way you moaned when you ate chicken salad. Hey I miss you when you sat in that bathtub in our apartment drinking beer because you were absolutely depressed about our living situation because you weren’t able to see your friends and family more. And I remember feeling so sad I couldn’t do anything about it because I didn’t want to you to leave me. But I really tried to be at your house more so you could see them. Hey, I miss you like whenever I called you pretty/beautiful/cute you’d look away but smiling. Hey, I miss you like how you would jump around when you saw me. Hey, I miss holding your hand and walking our dogs together. I miss finding you curled up in bed. I miss kissing you goodbye in the mornings and tucking you in. I miss you like the last time I saw you driving away in the morning and you waved at me like we would be OK one day.

But it doesn’t matter because I have to remember I’m really not good for you. I’m all sorts of fucked up, and I’m really trying to be different. Anyways, hope you’re happy and you’re with a smart, handsome dude who loves you for you. And the best thing I can do for you is try to be OK and stay away. wubbalubba.

aasf

 

Hamburger Helper

The home sat on a floating cloud, always moving through the skies. It was the place I felt safest, but I could never find it in the same spot. I am not the same boy. I only long for that feeling. Sometimes I forget I am a man now. The life of a man is loneliness.

Before I found sleep, I had a fleeting epiphany. I lost it as my mind drifted to lesser things. I didn’t want to let this thought go. I swam back to it. A few years I tried to figure out my purpose. At some point, I said to myself I wanted to support those who need me. A wave of comfort and relief rushed over me; my mind rested. I am everything I wanted to be. Though I curse my fate and the hand I was dealt, it is everything I had wished for…

Damaged people kept coming into my life. Why I found myself asking? Why me? I cannot help these people. But I did. I always did. Whether it was financial, emotional, or even counsel. I helped an ex criminal with his family. I helped crazy cat lady. I helped a homeless man. I successfully helped each of my coworkers with their endeavors. I help my family. I help those who need help. I am a helper. And then I realized your family and you never needed my help. I needed help from you and your family. Thank you for helping me.

Who am I? I am a helper. I get to help people for a living, but it is not how I want to help people. Sure, I get donations for people who need help. But it is not fulfilling in the way I need it to be. Anyways my boss and coworkers insisted I take a day off to rest this week. So here I am not entirely sure what I should do… I skipped boxing already.

I thought I wanted to forge on ahead. Go explore some part of LA or Hollywood. Maybe I should travel and see the world, but as I delved into myself, I realized I don’t want any of that, at least not today. Today I want to go to place I use to call home. I want to see my dogs. It’s been some time now. It’s laundry day as well.