Change is right around the corner. I can feel it. I’ll be moving out within a month. I’ll get to say goodbye to our memories in this room. Though I don’t think I can part ways with the bag of our little notes, your scribbles, and love letters. I can’t imagine what I’d say to my next love. I hope she’ll be understanding until I’m ready to completely let them go.
Game of thrones has been oddly striking a chord with me. I want to forget our relationship. But it made me everything I am today. Maybe that pain is what makes me special now… I feel like I’ve been falling and I’m slowly redeeming myself from mistakes. I was never a bad person. I did many bad things. I erupted like I used to at the crazy cat lady. She scraped my car after she had a hit and run incident. The cops came to my door at 12 AM demanding her information.
The next day, I confronted her and told her I just wanted to hear from her she scraped it. She denied it all of course, so I marched her to our cars where the scrapes matched like puzzle pieces. I told her I don’t expect her to pay me back because I know she can’t. “When people are nice to you, you should do everything you can to not make their life worse. Trust me. It’s going to come back to you.”
But of course, that night she made things worse when I simply wanted to be left alone. She kept saying my name at night and screaming to her cats. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I hadn’t had a restful night of sleep since she moved in. I screamed and kicked her door down and yelled at her. I attacked every one of her insecurities. And it became a bizarre thing where I was advising her how to be a better person and not be like this because she’s sabotaging good things in her life. She’s getting evicted in the next month, but Alice found a bigger home for her. I’ll be gone before or soon after anyways. Whatever. She ended up crying and thanking me for saying all these things to her. I told her she needs to let go of her past and to forgive herself for her mistakes, to finally ignore how her parents think of her and to fix herself up before she can patch things up with her estranged son. I didn’t want to do any of things… It just leapt out of me because stupidly these are kind of things I’m dealing with. I never wanted to help her though… Until I guess I did.
But anyways I’m trying to redeem myself in many ways. I don’t feel like I’ll ever forgive myself. Strange visions appear to me during yoga that mess with my perception of time. I would see you lying on white sheets in a white room with billowy curtains. It was a moment of dejavu as I remembered dreaming of this before when we were together still. It was like an idyllic afternoon to me… I came out of yoga not feeling entirely weakened. I smiled to myself. I suppose living through that vision had been appealing.
Things are OK. Things haven’t been great for a while. I haven’t felt joy for a while. And that’s kind of cool I suppose because every moment of happiness I’ve experienced lately I felt I earned. I would be mindful of those happy moments a lot more now. It’s never the excitement I remember having when I knew you were coming home to me. That’s sad to say.
Anyways. hope you’re doing well.