On being with other people

As I’m getting a little older, my perspective on environment and people have changed. I use to think that if I had a unbreakable personality, I could love and be loving to all those around me. I’d be good enough to do good and not be dragged down by any insecurities or problems. Well that clearly didn’t go well.

I’m trying to find and be with people who are like light, I suppose. Energy, and I don’t mean some asian voodoo chi shit, I mean how a person presents himself, how he uplifts others and himself, how he is in the face of challenges, is so important. I’m becoming that person, and I notice people gravitate towards that energy. Sadly, there are people who simply have bad energy? I don’t know how to articulate it other than a feeling. And I think other people can pick up on bad energy as well. There’s something animalistic to  it, like animals smelling a scent that could mean danger. Or a dog smelling someone and instantly their fur stands and they bear their fangs. It happens in a second. The sad part is that most people who have bad energy don’t notice they have bad energy.

I’m not as sympathetic to it anymore. At first, I would try to help them. But now I’m like get the fuck away from me. Because their presence can very much be like quicksand. I think a lot about my friend, who has many insecurities. In social settings, you can detect his insecurities. I use to want to help him, but then when his insecurities come up he likes to crack jokes about me and put me down. When I asked him about it, he always says it’s because I can’t take a joke. Beware the person who always puts blame on others.  Beware the person who needs to put others down to go up. There is light that goes up and there is something else that weighs others down… Haha, its difficult to want to help someone who like that.

I guess what I’m saying is… its important who we surround ourselves with. I made plans to move to fucking hollywood with a coworker. A year ago, he came in for a interview. He was nervous and he asked questions. Of all the people who came, I took the time to reassure him and tell him to be himself, to relax, and how to understand what our boss would want from him. And now I’ll have a new housemate.

We had another corporate day. This time with Kaiser Permanente. I met a sweet lady who, through her stories, advised me to never shut any doors opened to you. She told me how you never know where you’ll end up, or what opportunities you’ll end up. Those rigid plans most often won’t place out as you planned, but there’s something beautiful about that surprise. I’ll say surprise when I would use to characterize it as instability or uncertainty.

I’m starting to find leadership qualities in myself. I’m truthfully a reluctant leader because I don’t want to tell people how to be or what to do. But somehow that makes people look to me. It was interesting leading a project for managers. I had to balance their energies, personalities, but assert myself among these high functioning people. It went great. I talked to each and every one of them, and they thanked me for the great job after. So far I’m thinking leadership entails working with the group, doing the work no one wants to do with them. Sure, there’s relegating, but they have to know you’re there with them to do the difficult, drudging work. And you have to reassure them, they’re doing well but balance that not to be without substance. I find that being specific about one thing and saying how you noticed really helps.

Anyways, I’m being a silly ninny. Food for thought for my kids I suppose – if I ever become whole enough to father kiddies. Or someone in my situation. Idk.

What else… Men have to channel their energies through physical sports. At least I think so. The inner monkey demands it!