As a child, I could eat the most saccharine things. Fucking push pops dunked in sugar dust. As an adult, that shit’s abhorrent: here’s your sugar colored radioactively blue, served with your own helping of sugar. The best part is you stick your finger down a tunnel of your own saliva and sugar slime to eat after you let it marinade in your pocket for few hours. Some monster of an adult came up with that and decided to market it to children. And it was awesome.
I guess I’ve been thinking about food a lot. Sometimes before meals, I get a little existential. This thing is suppose to provide fuel for me, but at the same time I expect to derive joy from it. It’s never as good as the expectation. Though I do always enjoy a good Lee’s coffee. It’s like the buildup and sentiment of Christmas were always better than Christmas Night itself. Anyways, as a kid, I think I only had a palate for sweetness. But then, like growing up, I developed a taste for various other things. I like my coffee a little bitter now so that I can taste the sweetness more. You got to have the bad to really feel the good.
I like spicy food now because you truly understand the relief and peace when the pain subsides. Similarly, that’s why I enjoy getting tattoos and boxing. There’s that catharsis, that pride that you can endure, and the building of tolerance. I suppose I get existential during meals because I think a lot about love. At least when I dive to the heart of the matter. After all, the mouth is associated with receiving and giving love. And maybe different tastes evoke different aspects of love. There’s a tenderness to sweet foods. There’s an aspect of loss and suffering from bitterness. Pain and cruelty from spicy. Pleasure from salt – salt is king. What the fuck is Umami haha – it doesn’t matter. I guess what I’m saying is I didn’t know the joy of eating until I starved yourself. And I didn’t really know the value of love until I lost it. I didn’t feel it with my entirety as I do now. I mean I was always appreciative and I always tried to practice it, but I think I finally understand the value behind little gestures, the slightest compliments, the subtle shifts in her expression when she saw me. What kind of fucked up programming do we have to only appreciate things in the past?
Anyways yesterday was fun. This is just an observation… but models and actors are kinda weird. They’re not like… people sometimes. Then again we’re all fucking weird with weirdass quirks. I said I was looking for people that have positive energy. But I think I’m also looking for, longing for that someone I just naturally clicked with. I think I somehow magically stumbled across her years ago and I lost her. Such is life and love and spicy food. Anyways, off to meditation class.