Thought: “I’ve been dealt a shit hand” > Feeling: Cursed Feeling > Behavior: Anger as defiance and control = lashing out then shame, decrease in self-esteem, idea of failure. Repeat.
My therapist was surprised when I said I can change my thought the easiest. “No one has answered that before, but it’s the right answer.” I’ve been trying to reinvent myself for so long. I’ve been trying to re-conceptualize myself. On the other side of pain, suffering, and fear, I found self confidence. This was the one thing I’ve longed for years ago. I want to say the sacrifice was love, and I wonder why I had to sacrifice love. I think it’s because I was confident in her. I was confident that she could do everything she wanted to do. I was confident she could become everything she wanted to be. I didn’t need to be confident in myself because I saw myself only wanting to be her support. It must have been true for her as well… And that was by no means her fault. I just wanted to give all of myself to raise her up. I guess when I lost her, I had no choice but to raise myself up. There was no other way; I was meant to lose her.
As I was taking a shit, I perused Quora. Sometimes there’s a good post. This time, it was about how love becomes more difficult to find as we get older. That you have to not entirely devote yourself to finding it, but you still have to look for it. That you have to learn to love yourself and become your best to find the best love. That it’s entirely possible to live your adult life without having love. This is some keep-you-up-all-night shit, so maybe I won’t think about this any further.
Anyways, I’m getting a lot better at boxing. People compliment me a lot now! They always see me bouncing around after difficult workouts. I slip punches. It’s really cool to effectively use combos. I’m learning to switch up stances. It’s just cool to have something to keep building off on. It’d be cool to learn jiu jitsu or kicks later on.
Work has been really tiring, but I know I’m kicking ass. I’ve tripled my record for my socks collection. I’m around 3500, so that’s 3500 homeless people getting new socks. I got a bunch of food donated too, around 2 full pallets! And the office supplies company that donated to me last year will be contributing a bigger donation for Back to School Night (all on my own!). I’m also working on two school beautification projects all the while doing outreach and communications. Facebook is growing a lot, and the e-mails are getting good reception. Sometimes I get bummed out because it seems like people don’t notice or celebrate my accomplishments, but I shouldn’t place my own value on external factors. If you told me I would do all this 2 years ago, I’d be really surprised…
I was watching a Joe Rogan podcast and they were talking about how it sucks to be accomplishing things, but having no love to share it with. I guess that’s why I’ve been feeling kinda low. I know you’d be proud of me if you knew…
There was this good quote from Game of Thrones: “Love is the death of duty.” And yeah, I could have easily spent so many more days lying with you in bed. It wasn’t healthy, but I was happy with you. I wasn’t happy with myself. I’m still not happy with myself, but maybe I’m not completely hateful. I told my therapist that people always tell me I’m a great guy, but I hardly care. I told her that there’s no redemption for what I’ve done to you. I don’t know where it’ll go from here on, but I guess stay tuned weh weh weh.