“Maybe the redemption you’re looking for is the crazy cat lady. Sometimes the universe gives us our next task as the one thing we don’t want to do. You care about her, don’t you?”
“You say you don’t, and you try not to talk about her, but you do care about her. Why else would you go looking for her cats at night or why would you yell advice at her?”
“She already physically occupies space near me. I don’t want her to occupy any space in here. What, I’m supposed to emotionally invest in this person now? I thought I was doing the right thing by buying earplugs. I don’t want to care about her.”
“No, but you do care. You said you were giving her advice you wished someone told you years ago.”
“Yeah, it just exploded out of me.”
“And you said you feel a lot of shame in being angry.”
“I do. It reminds me of how I lost control when I was with my ex.”
“There’s a lot to work with here. Look I’m not saying to start emotionally invest in crazy cat lady. Does she have name?”
“Gross. Yes, but I like it better when she’s just crazy cat lady. OK OK, Sandy. For the record, I hate that name now. If I ever meet another Sandy, I’ll have instant bias.”
“You see something of yourself in her, don’t you?”
“What? No… Maybe a little. Fine. I do. You know you’re good… I do, but I don’t want to. Why her? Of all people, why can’t it be someone who uplifts me instead? I see someone who’s trying her best to find her redemption. She once called me her son… well there’s this idea in asian culture that you have to love your parents. There’s no English translation but it’s sorta about being a loving kid is a duty or something. And I realize that a lot of the times asian parents abuse that obligation by being complete shits to their kids. I was just telling her that despite what they said and did to her, she has to find her own value. And then maybe she can go back to help them. Only by finding her own value…. Yeah, I see a lot of things in her. She talks to her two cats all the time as if they were her kids. It reminds me of my mom who tried her best to make things right later. I don’t know.”
I’m still trying to piece together the last session. But it was a good one after I told my therapist our previous session wasn’t helpful for me. Still trying to break the anger cycle. The cognitive triangle thing she showed me was really cool. I am catching myself more. Anyways, here are my findings of how I have gotten past the worst parts of depression and anxiety in no particular order:
- Eat Breakfast. For me it’s protein rich breakfast in the morning. Drink Coffee
- Exercise. And I mean drenched in sweat exercise not mild walk exercise
- Get Out. Get outside your thoughts. Get outside your room. Go stand in sun light. Go socialize with people even if you have social anxiety. Tackling my anxieties has been the only way I’ve beaten them.
- Find something to invest yourself into. I think the only way to defeat poor self-esteem is to get better at something. So maybe it’s learning a language. boxing. or I don’t know anything you can see tangible results of improvement. I think somehow this will lead to finding purpose -whatever that means. Here’s a good quote: Without a goal, you can’t score.
- Be in nature. I’m getting the impression from reading Jung that different environments in nature have different inherent meanings ingrained in us. What the fuck does that mean? I guess go somewhere in nature that represents your mindset. I went to the desert when I felt lost and wandering. I went to the beach when I was trying to find forgiveness. I went to the forest to find peace. I went to the mountains to find adventure.
- Talk to yourself. I do this all the time now. It confuses my coworkers. It confuses people I interact with. But this is self-regulation. I think a person must somehow bridge their consciousness with their subconsciousness. And sometimes, for me, that means just leaking out words in my head like go to work go to work go to work. or take out the fucking trash.
- Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for being bed ridden. Forgive yourself for being sad. Forgive yourself for being short with your loved ones. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Then don’t be a bitch. as in… you’ve identified problematic behavior that means you have to change it.
- I’m still figuring this out… will add more later.