I heard the good news through the grapevines while I felt the sun blister my skin. The day could have made a turn for the worse in that flower garden with my family. Mother’s Day was well spent; I invited my parents on the morning boat ride. After I took my family out to eat, and then to a flower garden in Pasadena. We sat in awkwardness as we have not done so for so long. There was a moment when my sister insisted that the loan we took was for naught, and I simply had to walk away to practice mindful breathing. She didn’t mean anything from it, but there was an implication of futility in my asking her mom for help. And maybe that’s somehow true, and maybe it strained our relationship, but I came back and spoke my truth. It turned out to be productive and it helped to re-orientate us. My mom then insisted that it was my dad’s fault and he’d have to fix all of this. I was proud to correct her. “No, this problem is all of ours. We all have a part to fix this.”
I came back home not exactly happy. I heard the good news, and again I was not exactly happy. It sounded like things are going well for you and your family, and I can only be happy for that. But it made me think that perhaps I was the one thing preventing all that happiness. And in that case, it was for the best I was taken out of the picture. But I suppose again it just spoke to the futility of my efforts – while I’ll be the first to admit I made a lot of mistakes, I did give an earnest effort to being available, loving, and supportive of your family.
I was to reign in the sunlight, but when I turned the blinds a certain angle I’m suddenly reminded of afternoons with you. Likewise, I’m trying to reign in the light to avoid this great shadow of nihilism. Why am I the hardest and most supportive worker at my job? Why am I the one who trains the most intensely at boxing? Why am I trying so hard to keep my family together? Why did I bother writing a mother’s day card to crazy cat lady? Why do I feel so doomed and unlovable? I suppose all these questions fell upon me today, and I felt an inescapable pessimism. And sadly, it all condenses to a question I cannot answer: why am I like this?
Maybe it’s time I be honest with myself. Why do I only pray for others, when I should pray for myself? At the beginning of meditation, I am given a monk’s robes. I tie the wraps, and for whatever reason, it feels strangely fitting on my skin. I kneel before Buddha, and I run through all the people in my life that I wish the best for. It always begins with you finding love, happiness, and strength to protect yourself. then blessings for your family, my family, my friends, then people I’ve come across. Maybe it’s time I pray for myself to find success and love. The saddest part is I still don’t have a great sense of self. It is my best quality that will send me careening towards destruction. Or maybe it’s my only saving grace.
I feel like people withhold help from me sometimes. My boss gave me a bunch of tasks today despite my saying I can’t because I’m so busy. I’ll be working 4 weekends in a row. I asked my co-worker for an easy favor, but she didn’t do it. The one coworker whom I planned to move out with, decided to simply find a place for himself. People have been telling I’m so strong, that I’m impressive, that I’m inspiring, that I’m this and that, then why do I still feel so crummy inside? Why does it feel like I’m always going to be a loner? I want to fully accept this and just go about my days as an unstoppable force, but sometimes I really wish someone would help me.
But I will stop this thinking now. I am not cursed. I’m strong-willed. Anything thrown my way, I can overcome. I’ve shown myself this day after day. This is self-confidence. I am OK. Haha, sometimes I realize I’m always looking angry and frowning at things now. Well maybe I can get another tattoo and travel a little now that I’m not moving out… I am a person? lol