Not Great

you see yourself so harshly i wished i could have been who i am now for her back then why does it feel like i had to be a shitty person first to become a better person you need to change your foundation oh you’re still emotionally with her you need to rethink negative thoughts into positive i have been trying to recreate myself for most of my life when do i get to stop when will i be ok why does it feel like i always have to choose between being the better person or a complete monster sometimes i wish i can just be ignorant of others and when i can take my mind of others and how i can be helpful in a moment i’m trying to figure why i am like this because you like to help people and that there’s nothing wrong with self-validation but then you have expectations i feel like i ask for the minimum this is an issue of boundaries like trespassing signs some people have their sign way outside past the lawn some people have it to the door you just have yours way more open than some people i know i can’t expect people to be like me all the time but sometimes i just ask for the minimum and i try to be as clear about what i need but what do you do when they say no you say thank you sometimes that’s the best you get

I didn’t feel that great from this session. I’ve been smoking weed everyday. I’ve been self-medicating. I’ve been working nonstop. I’ve been amazing, but nothing really registers. Objectively, things are so much better than a year ago. But then why do I feel like I don’t care for any of this, that it doesn’t matter because you’re not with me. That’s a sad way of seeing my life. That’s a toxic way of seeing life. Today I stopped working out midtraining and I just walked away. my coach called after me, but I just felt crummy. people asked if i was ok but I couldn’t answer why I was doing any of this anymore. sometimes i wish i was somehow rewarded with something, but maybe the ways i’m working aren’t the ways I want to be rewarded?  what are the ways I want to be rewarded? i mean its cool i’m in shape. it’s cool i’m doing well at work. it’s cool i’m becoming more mature in how i handle things. but i think i want love.

eh i’m tired of thinking, and not exactly how i want to be high. i’ll try to be better tomororw.