Disparate

“You’re one of the most beautiful people I’ve met.”
“I wish I can see myself like that.”
“But you’re like perfect.”
“It’s funny, my ex use to say that about me. And I hated it. I wanted to be seen as a person.”
***
“Maybe it’s time you start seeing yourself as someone worth redemption.”
“I’ve been trying to redeem myself for so long. But how can I when I can’t make things better for the one person I’ve wronged?”
***
“Whenever I see you, I see a hamster running on a wheel. You’re like a saint hamster.”
***
“Where do you get all this energy? What are you training for?”
“I don’t know. Life or something.”
***
“You’re a fucking bitch. Fuck you.”
***
“You did bad things, but at least you own up to it. Most people I know never do that. And you’re actively trying to change. That should mean something. It does mean something about you.”
***
“That’s why I like you, Alan. You like sex, but you’re cool not having sex with me either. Not to say that’s why I like you, but it feels like you really want to know me. That’s different from all the guys I’ve met. We’d be a disaster if we ever got together. We’d be so codependent. I want to stay here with you. I really do.”
***
“I hate myself. I hate the things I’ve done. I hate who I am now. I hate so many things about myself. I still think about her everyday.”
***
“You’re a good son.”
***
“You’re a great man.”
***
“I’m seriously proud of you, Alan. Hard work denies no one. Great job lately. I mean it.”
***
“Thank you, Alan. This means a lot. I wish my son was like you.”
***
“Sometimes when I see myself in the mirror, I don’t recognize the person staring back. And I say to him who the fuck are you. That’s why you have to talk to yourself, Alan. It’s not crazy. There’s sanity in solitude. When you’re with people out here in LA, it’s just noise. That’s why you have to know yourself. My best friend always told me, you must know yourself!”
***
“Get out! Get out! Get Out!”
***
“Are you OK, Alan?”

I dreamt of death
the rank stench of stagnancy
the cold hand crept around my throat
until I awoke, fetal.