Sometimes my heart needs to vomit

I don’t want to be the worst thing to have happened to you. I want to be angry with you so I can move on with my life. But why do I only have the happy memories now? I spent my day off missing you. That’s why I work myself to exhaustion; it’s so I don’t have to think about you!

Cozy Thai’s pad thai was good. First bite, I remember us scrambling to open an episode of Bob’s Burger before we settled in and ate together. I remember smiling at you and brushing your cheek. You held my hand there, and stared at me with love. Goddamn, you really broke my heart. But that’s not true at all! I broke both of our hearts when I left you. Was I really the worst person who came into your life that you’d see my friend but you won’t give a damn about me anymore? lol, I need to move the fuck on, but I don’t want to be attractive to any other woman. I am my own greatest saboteur, Benedict Arnold motherfucker.

 

Rainy days are your days. But really, every day is your day. Rainy nights are different. Nah, I think about you at night too. The sad part is I know if I were ever lucky enough to see you again, we’d both know we’re not the same persons anymore.

Hey, I miss you like that first night you slept over and I held my breath. I miss you like that day I sat across you in the restaurant and I sliced a burger for you and you stared at me like I was an adorable creature. Hey, I miss you like how you were sad and I opened that soda I dropped to make you laugh. I miss you like how I like the way you moaned when you ate chicken salad. Hey I miss you when you sat in that bathtub in our apartment drinking beer because you were absolutely depressed about our living situation because you weren’t able to see your friends and family more. And I remember feeling so sad I couldn’t do anything about it because I didn’t want to you to leave me. But I really tried to be at your house more so you could see them. Hey, I miss you like whenever I called you pretty/beautiful/cute you’d look away but smiling. Hey, I miss you like how you would jump around when you saw me. Hey, I miss holding your hand and walking our dogs together. I miss finding you curled up in bed. I miss kissing you goodbye in the mornings and tucking you in. I miss you like the last time I saw you driving away in the morning and you waved at me like we would be OK one day.

But it doesn’t matter because I have to remember I’m really not good for you. I’m all sorts of fucked up, and I’m really trying to be different. Anyways, hope you’re happy and you’re with a smart, handsome dude who loves you for you. And the best thing I can do for you is try to be OK and stay away. wubbalubba.

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