Go Unfuck Yourself

dialectical thinking: two opposing truths can exist at the same time. refers to the ability to view issues from multiple perspectives and to arrive at the most economical and reasonable reconciliation of seemingly contradictory information and postures.

we loved each other deeply. it was a relationship in which we held each other back, resulting in toxicity and abuse. i had to leave because my needs weren’t being fulfilled. she needed to leave because she wasn’t happy with me anymore. it had to be, my boy! i relapse so much because she made that child in me feel loved in all the ways I wasn’t.

my friend does care about me. he is ignorant of my needs because he can barely manage to improve himself.

i loved wrongfully. i love deeply, bravely, generously giving all of myself and focus to others. because i do this, i get hurt a lot. i lash out because of how much i get hurt.

i was a physically abusive man (i take full responsibility). i received a lot of pain and abuse growing up (it’s not your fault, will!).

***

“maybe it’s time you accept that you’re a great person.”
“i want to, but my entire body rejects the idea. remember how you asked about how my body felt. well i feel it now. It’s a no.”
“you seem like you have this idea you’ll return to who you use to be in a snap. you’re not thinking about how far you’ve come.”
“it’s my core. if that’s who i am. then i’ll always return to it?”
“No. People really can change.”
“i appreciate you saying that. but you’re just seeing an edited version of me. for all you know i can just be a bullshitter. you’ve never seen me when i exploded. how can i believe that?”
“That’s fair. Well let me put it this way i’ve seen many people and the fact that you recognize your past was wrong, the fact that you were the one to end things, the fact that you have been trying to redeem yourself – i mean you’re here right now. you’re obviously very introspective so you’re conscientious, and you’re emphatic. you’ve been through a lot. but i see someone who really put in the work to understand himself and others.”
“I don’t feel like i’m enough still. when will i finally be ok with myself.”
“That’s going to take time and effort.”
“I’m just so tired of trying to improve myself. it’s like i’m happy she’ll get to be with someone better, but again i’m still heartbroken and lonely. It’s like whenever I choose to improve myself, who cares? i’m still dealing with the fallout. it’s like hey i’m happy my mom is okay now, but i got really fucked up from that. when will i be ok?

***

Unwanted daughter, homeless wanderer
I called lover, did you find home
after the Vegas skyline?

Loner, I wasn’t better
I wanted to be like your father,
a good man, your protector.
It wasn’t in my nature.
Loveless daughter, frequent flyer
I hope you soar higher
and find another,
a home with someone better.