Late at night, I’d stay up with you doing homework across our computer screens. I remember I had every excuse to hang out with you, even though I was already finished with my homework. You weren’t mine. I sat in my dark room with a blindingly white light, and I remember re-reading our conversations and your aim profile long after we stopped talking. You usually fell asleep at your computer. You had shown me this song, and I couldn’t stop listening to it. I guess it’s funny now that I’d stumble across it again with a similar pining for you.
I guess I’m looking back with some happiness, rather than sadness. You were honestly a dream come true when you told me you loved me. But I think I always placed you on a pedestal as the one person who would take away all my pain. It was an impossible role for you. At the same time I have to be honest about our relationship; you were really good to me. You had all the best intention, but you didn’t understand me and what I needed. I was awfully alone with you. A lot of the times, it felt like I had to figure out your problems and protect you. I would say this was completely my fault, but the truth is we were both at fault. You weren’t a strong partner, and I had to be the strong one when a lot of times I couldn’t.
Well where do I go from here? I don’t know. I haven’t been happy for so long. It wasn’t a perfect relationship. There were a lot of things wrong with both of us. I’m learning to manage my anger. Apparently, it’s all about breathing! I’m learning to manage my expectations. I’m learning to be confident in myself. I’m learning to be OK with being vulnerable and expressing my pain when they arise. I’m learning to identify delusions. I guess I fear always being blown away to something else. It never feels like I’m anchored with my living situation, work, my family and their living situation. Buddhism preaches the truth of impermanence; it’s just nothing has felt stable for so long. Maybe this is the jumping off point to where I’m supposed to be. HEYYYYY when do I stop feeling like shit?
I scowl a lot. I munch on trail mix like some old man. I got that old man strength now haha. Got this vein in my forehead now.