Hauling Ass in an U-Haul

“I’m a fucking truck.  You can’t drive like that around me. I don’t know what I’m doing, bruh! We might both die, bruhhhh!” I can only imagine the horror of my passenger and the peaceful pedestrians as I scream this out my window.  For reals though, it’s wild out in Hollywood: models on scooters. Pot holes. cars doing two lane changes. the occasional homeless zombie that walks into traffic. I’m out there in a fucking truck. Lone trash can obstructing my way which I might have ran over. To be fair! it was blocking the street, and I was tired.

 

Cognitive Triangle

Thought: “I’ve been dealt a shit hand” > Feeling: Cursed Feeling > Behavior: Anger as defiance and control = lashing out then shame, decrease in self-esteem, idea of failure. Repeat.

My therapist was surprised when I said I can change my thought the easiest. “No one has answered that before, but it’s the right answer.” I’ve been trying to reinvent myself for so long. I’ve been trying to re-conceptualize myself. On the other side of pain, suffering, and fear, I found self confidence. This was the one thing I’ve longed for years ago. I want to say the sacrifice was love, and I wonder why I had to sacrifice love. I think it’s because I was confident in her. I was confident that she could do everything she wanted to do. I was confident she could become everything she wanted to be. I didn’t need to be confident in myself because I saw myself only wanting to be her support. It must have been true for her as well… And that was by no means her fault. I just wanted to give all of myself to raise her up. I guess when I lost her, I had no choice but to raise myself up. There was no other way; I was meant to lose her.

As I was taking a shit, I perused Quora. Sometimes there’s a good post. This time, it was about how love becomes more difficult to find as we get older. That you have to not entirely devote yourself to finding it, but you still have to look for it. That you have to learn to love yourself and become your best to find the best love. That it’s entirely possible to live your adult life without having love. This is some keep-you-up-all-night shit, so maybe I won’t think about this any further.

Anyways, I’m getting a lot better at boxing. People compliment me a lot now! They always see me bouncing around after difficult workouts. I slip punches. It’s really cool to effectively use combos. I’m learning to switch up stances. It’s just cool to have something to keep building off on. It’d be cool to learn jiu jitsu or kicks later on.

Work has been really tiring, but I know I’m kicking ass. I’ve tripled my record for my socks collection. I’m around 3500, so that’s 3500 homeless people getting new socks. I got a bunch of food donated too, around 2 full pallets! And the office supplies company that donated to me last year will be contributing a bigger donation for Back to School Night (all on my own!). I’m also working on two school beautification projects all the while doing outreach and communications. Facebook is growing a lot, and the e-mails are getting good reception. Sometimes I get bummed out because it seems like people don’t notice or celebrate my accomplishments, but I shouldn’t place my own value on external factors. If you told me I would do all this 2 years ago, I’d be really surprised…

I was watching a Joe Rogan podcast and they were talking about how it sucks to be accomplishing things, but having no love to share it with. I guess that’s why I’ve been feeling kinda low. I know you’d be proud of me if you knew…

There was this good quote from Game of Thrones: “Love is the death of duty.” And yeah, I could have easily spent so many more days lying with you in bed. It wasn’t healthy, but I was happy with you. I wasn’t happy with myself. I’m still not happy with myself, but maybe I’m not completely hateful. I told my therapist that people always tell me I’m a great guy, but I hardly care. I told her that there’s no redemption for what I’ve done to you. I don’t know where it’ll go from here on, but I guess stay tuned weh weh weh.

 

 

 

Lafayette Lily Love Loser Linguine

Lafayette was a street you lived on
in a time and place
when and where I had no idea about your existence.
I strolled through the neighborhood without fences,
and I can see you as a child with your wild eyebrows,
eyes full of wonder, and a bowl cut.
You wore an ugly magenta, wool sweater
And maybe I’ll realize I’m a spooky ghost in my time,
just the wind in your place. And maybe you’ll glance my way,
and I understand something.

Lafayette is the street over from California, where
you and I once sat on a porch swing, smiling at my camera.
I remember I wanted to learn photography,
And you were the one person I wanted to capture in time.
You had cut your hair, which lost its brown dye.
You turned back at me, shy but happy I wanted more pictures of you.
You wore a buttoned, blue shirt and I deleted all your photos except this one.
I wish I understood how to love you best, better than myself, better than anyone.

Lafayette was easy to remember because L for Lily.
A little down Valley, a few streets from Lafayette, is a flower shop called Lily Florist,
on the corner of which, I once stood with a cigarette, smiling that I just couldn’t escape you.
And I think about the flowers I bought home to you, some of which I added cards
that all began with Lily,

 

 

 

Pop

Honestly the whole time I was watching this movie, I kept thinking about how I wanted to go back in time to be with you again. Shit from game of thrones too like death is forgetting, or the “perils of self-betterment.”

squidward

For whatever reason when I saw this as a kid, I thought squidward had a wife or something haha, and I was like woah that’s super depressing for this show. Then I realize it was just a joke about adulthood and dead dreams. Seeing this image now, I reflect that both ideas are true for me. I am squidward is what I’m saying. Haha no, but kinda. Recently I had to let go of a dream and I have to let go of you. Because I’m stuck in the past, and no matter how much I want to make things right I know I don’t deserve that opportunity. I’m full of doubt whether that’s even possible in this life either. Because losing love is reality… right? Or maybe it’s that there’s more than one person for you is reality. I can accept that truth but I can also accept that it’s not the reality I would willingly accept. It’s a little silly to admit, but sometimes I think about how I want to make you proud of me. I want to think that if the past you somehow knew I would become this man, you’d fall in love with me again. This is all very romanticized.

A friend told me that I gotta just keep going and see where life takes me; that somehow things will work themselves out. It’s nice to have that affirmation. She also pointed out that I question things a lot. It’s a good point, and I should sometimes just take things as they are.

garfield in the mood for food was a book I read

As a child, I could eat the most saccharine things. Fucking push pops dunked in sugar dust. As an adult, that shit’s abhorrent: here’s your sugar colored radioactively blue, served with your own helping of sugar. The best part is you stick your finger down a tunnel of your own saliva and sugar slime to eat after you let it marinade in your pocket for few hours. Some monster of an adult came up with that and decided to market it to children. And it was awesome.

I guess I’ve been thinking about food a lot. Sometimes before meals, I get a little existential. This thing is suppose to provide fuel for me, but at the same time I expect to derive joy from it. It’s never as good as the expectation. Though I do always enjoy a good Lee’s coffee. It’s like the buildup and sentiment of Christmas were always better than Christmas Night itself. Anyways, as a kid, I think I only had a palate for sweetness. But then, like growing up, I developed a taste for various other things. I like my coffee a little bitter now so that I can taste the sweetness more. You got to have the bad to really feel the good.

I like spicy food now because you truly understand the relief and peace when the pain subsides. Similarly, that’s why I enjoy getting tattoos and boxing. There’s that catharsis, that pride that you can endure, and the building of tolerance. I suppose I get existential during meals because I think a lot about love. At least when I dive to the heart of the matter. After all, the mouth is associated with receiving and giving love. And maybe different tastes evoke different aspects of love. There’s a tenderness to sweet foods. There’s an aspect of loss and suffering from bitterness. Pain and cruelty from spicy. Pleasure from salt – salt is king. What the fuck is Umami haha – it doesn’t matter. I guess what I’m saying is I didn’t know the joy of eating until I starved yourself. And I didn’t really know the value of love until I lost it. I didn’t feel it with my entirety as I do now. I mean I was always appreciative and I always tried to practice it, but I think I finally understand the value behind little gestures, the slightest compliments, the subtle shifts in her expression when she saw me. What kind of fucked up programming do we have to only appreciate things in the past?

Anyways yesterday was fun. This is just an observation… but models and actors are kinda weird. They’re not like… people sometimes. Then again we’re all fucking weird with weirdass quirks. I said I was looking for people that have positive energy. But I think I’m also looking for, longing for that someone I just naturally clicked with. I think I somehow magically stumbled across her years ago and I lost her. Such is life and love and spicy food. Anyways, off to meditation class.

 

On being with other people

As I’m getting a little older, my perspective on environment and people have changed. I use to think that if I had a unbreakable personality, I could love and be loving to all those around me. I’d be good enough to do good and not be dragged down by any insecurities or problems. Well that clearly didn’t go well.

I’m trying to find and be with people who are like light, I suppose. Energy, and I don’t mean some asian voodoo chi shit, I mean how a person presents himself, how he uplifts others and himself, how he is in the face of challenges, is so important. I’m becoming that person, and I notice people gravitate towards that energy. Sadly, there are people who simply have bad energy? I don’t know how to articulate it other than a feeling. And I think other people can pick up on bad energy as well. There’s something animalistic to  it, like animals smelling a scent that could mean danger. Or a dog smelling someone and instantly their fur stands and they bear their fangs. It happens in a second. The sad part is that most people who have bad energy don’t notice they have bad energy.

I’m not as sympathetic to it anymore. At first, I would try to help them. But now I’m like get the fuck away from me. Because their presence can very much be like quicksand. I think a lot about my friend, who has many insecurities. In social settings, you can detect his insecurities. I use to want to help him, but then when his insecurities come up he likes to crack jokes about me and put me down. When I asked him about it, he always says it’s because I can’t take a joke. Beware the person who always puts blame on others.  Beware the person who needs to put others down to go up. There is light that goes up and there is something else that weighs others down… Haha, its difficult to want to help someone who like that.

I guess what I’m saying is… its important who we surround ourselves with. I made plans to move to fucking hollywood with a coworker. A year ago, he came in for a interview. He was nervous and he asked questions. Of all the people who came, I took the time to reassure him and tell him to be himself, to relax, and how to understand what our boss would want from him. And now I’ll have a new housemate.

We had another corporate day. This time with Kaiser Permanente. I met a sweet lady who, through her stories, advised me to never shut any doors opened to you. She told me how you never know where you’ll end up, or what opportunities you’ll end up. Those rigid plans most often won’t place out as you planned, but there’s something beautiful about that surprise. I’ll say surprise when I would use to characterize it as instability or uncertainty.

I’m starting to find leadership qualities in myself. I’m truthfully a reluctant leader because I don’t want to tell people how to be or what to do. But somehow that makes people look to me. It was interesting leading a project for managers. I had to balance their energies, personalities, but assert myself among these high functioning people. It went great. I talked to each and every one of them, and they thanked me for the great job after. So far I’m thinking leadership entails working with the group, doing the work no one wants to do with them. Sure, there’s relegating, but they have to know you’re there with them to do the difficult, drudging work. And you have to reassure them, they’re doing well but balance that not to be without substance. I find that being specific about one thing and saying how you noticed really helps.

Anyways, I’m being a silly ninny. Food for thought for my kids I suppose – if I ever become whole enough to father kiddies. Or someone in my situation. Idk.

What else… Men have to channel their energies through physical sports. At least I think so. The inner monkey demands it!

I still write to my ex as if she gave a fuck lol

Change is right around the corner. I can feel it. I’ll be moving out within a month. I’ll get to say goodbye to our memories in this room. Though I don’t think I can part ways with the bag of our little notes, your scribbles, and love letters. I can’t imagine what I’d say to my next love. I hope she’ll be understanding until I’m ready to completely let them go.

Game of thrones has been oddly striking a chord with me. I want to forget our relationship. But it made me everything I am today. Maybe that pain is what makes me special now… I feel like I’ve been falling and I’m slowly redeeming myself from mistakes. I was never a bad person. I did many bad things. I erupted like I used to at the crazy cat lady. She scraped my car after she had a hit and run incident. The cops came to my door at 12 AM demanding her information.

The next day, I confronted her and told her I just wanted to hear from her she scraped it. She denied it all of course, so I marched her to our cars where the scrapes matched like puzzle pieces. I told her I don’t expect her to pay me back because I know she can’t. “When people are nice to you, you should do everything you can to not make their life worse. Trust me. It’s going to come back to you.”

But of course, that night she made things worse when I simply wanted to be left alone. She kept saying my name at night and screaming to her cats. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I hadn’t had a restful night of sleep since she moved in. I screamed and kicked her door down and yelled at her. I attacked every one of her insecurities. And it became a bizarre thing where I was advising her how to be a better person and not be like this because she’s sabotaging good things in her life. She’s getting evicted in the next month, but Alice found a bigger home for her. I’ll be gone before or soon after anyways. Whatever. She ended up crying and thanking me for saying all these things to her. I told her she needs to let go of her past and to forgive herself for her mistakes, to finally ignore how her parents think of her and to fix herself up before she can patch things up with her estranged son. I didn’t want to do any of things… It just leapt out of me because stupidly these are kind of things I’m dealing with. I never wanted to help her though…  Until I guess I did.

But anyways I’m trying to redeem myself in many ways. I don’t feel like I’ll ever forgive myself. Strange visions appear to me during yoga that mess with my perception of time. I would see you lying on white sheets in a white room with billowy curtains. It was a moment of dejavu as I remembered dreaming of this before when we were together still. It was like an idyllic afternoon to me… I came out of yoga not feeling entirely weakened. I smiled to myself. I suppose living through that vision had been appealing.

Things are OK. Things haven’t been great for a while. I haven’t felt joy for a while. And that’s kind of cool I suppose because every moment of happiness I’ve experienced lately I felt I earned. I would be mindful of those happy moments a lot more now. It’s never the excitement I remember having when I knew you were coming home to me. That’s sad to say.

Anyways. hope you’re doing well.