Dig Dig Dig Dig

I divided my personality into different archetypes.

King: confident, helps bring success to others, lifts people up, leader, calm, problem solving. I think this is the best aspect of my personality, and takes from all my other personalities. I feel like this is the most recently cultivated. He’s the one who has to gather my personalities.

Master: Incredibly Disciplined. Routine. Hard-working, but veers on the danger of being tyrannical. Perfectionist. Stoic.

Slave: Sadness, does what I am told, pained, emotional, the writer, empathetic of other’s and their suffering

Warrior: Anger, willpower, strength, enduring, this was my biggest hurdle, I have to constantly tame it, tireless

Boy: baser instincts, hedonistic, adventurous, childish, fun-loving

Lover: this one is currently in a dungeon. but he’s sweet, romantic, caring, wants to make people happy.

I felt really bad at work today. Again, I had nothing to show for all my hard work and change. Sure, I brought in $160,000 in donations, but my family is still poor. Money is still tight. Sure I take on leadership roles and guide people, but I’m still not getting paid for it. What does it matter I helped my coworker move, and I’m still stuck? What does it matter that I help people with their personal problems and they seem happier after they talk to me or something clicked for them. I’m a wreck still. What does it matter when they just slip back to their old ways. All my efforts was for nothing. Why did I ask for an 80,000 loan for my arrogant, blundering family? What does it matter that I let her go so she can find someone better? What does it matter that I take my family out to eat every week? What does it matter that I heard screaming late at night and went outside to see a couple fighting? What does it matter that I awkwardly go up to them and tell the lady to not hit her husband, that I understand that she’s hurting and that I’m not saying she doesn’t have a right to be angry, but hitting him will only bring them pain and regret? WHY?! Who cares that I have this knowledge now! I know I’m supposed to find value internally rather than externally, but every day has been a battle inside. My supposed best friend can’t even hang out with me after I told him I feel really lonely and we agreed on a time and he has finished studying and homework. My other friend can’t even hang out with me without consulting his wife though I am happy to teach him how to skateboard. I’m still stuck at my job. I’m still alone. I’m still hurting from heartache. I’m always trying to do what’s right, but nothing has been right for me for a long time.¬†I liked myself better when I accepted happiness is not for me. oooooo watch my resentment mannn

I’m being a silly goose right now. I do these things because fucking lover boy is trying to escape his fucking dungeon. Get the fuck back in there! No, that’s not the answer. I’m probably just overthinking things. I have a lot to be proud of. I have a lot to be thankful for. I think one day things will make sense. But for now, I’ll just take a hot shower and climb into bed. Weh heh heh WUH.