Flowing

I’m allowing myself to be surprised by life. For so long, I’ve been trying sail against the wind. So of course, things never felt like they flowed. I need to let go of things that don’t serve me anymore. Sadness. Fear. All dead things, anchors to the past. But I don’t know if I want to let go of how July 4th is one of your favorite holidays. Or that you like it when I run my fingers through your hair. Or that you like to rip your food into pieces (something I enjoy doing now too).

I tried killing my capacity to love. I tried hardening myself; the answer to my depression is to be braver, to work harder, and to ignore my feelings. At the same time, I think one of my best qualities is how much I feel, how much I love despite everything. I wanted to turn off all my emotions because I was tired of carrying this pain. But the answer is to my bear my cross, to fully feel my regrets, my anger, my sadness; and to finally accept and let them go. Anyways, there are a lot things to be excited for. There’s a new call to adventure.

It’s time I embrace my talents. I am an ordinary person, but if I can accept my ordinariness I can work to become extraordinary. Haha, I think the end of my self actualization is Professor Hulk. Looking back, I feel very fortunate to have taken the journey to find my masculinity. There’s a certain a freedom in it.

I finally admitted to my therapist that I wanted to dive into psychology. She shared my enthusiasm; she told me she wanted to tell me weeks ago -that I’d make a very good psychologist because of my past experiences, my desire to understand, my introspection and my empathy. Several others, including my boss, have told me this. The signs were there, and the costs of not taking the adventure have become too great. So I’m going after it.

I finally went on a date. It’s been a while, and this is after finally accepting that the best thing I can do for you is to let you go. You found your own life and love and happiness. I still debate whether I should give you a birthday gift, but the answer is no. I’d only complicate your life, which, and from very little that I know, sounds like it’s taking off. I’m extremely happy imagining you with someone loving, with your family, and newfound friends, jumping into your career. It’s really comforting.

We met at a bar in k-town. She’s beautiful, kinda fiery, and really sweet. Talked for a few hours, when she mentioned she always wanted to try crickets. Told her I knew exactly where to get them haha. While we waited for a lyft, we saw a couple arguing. The guy was getting physical, and I wanted to stop him. But she held me back, and told me that there’s nothing we can do. The lady will have to leave on her own terms…  because even if we did intervene, the girl would still be there tomorrow. I was surprised by her answer.

We went to the restaurant where we talked for hours waiting for a table, listening to the mariachi band. She’s pretty adventurous and carefree, emotionally way more stable than I am. Have I become more water-like? Couldn’t help thinking that I was there two years ago with different people. After, we heard about a night market from a lyft passenger. So we walked around there, won her a teddy pug, whom we’ve named Grillos. We headed back to my place, where we got high and talked some more. She noticed my hand, and held it. I told her I’d tell her when we knew each other more. She left later that night, and we have another date on Monday.

She’s beautiful, but a little insecure about how she looks. She’s pretty contradictory. She likes to eat, but she eats very little. She likes to keep to herself, but she’s adventurous and enjoys trying new things all the time. She’s the middle child in her family, and I think she felt a little ignored. When she saw my mirror full of crazy scribbles about how to improve myself, she remarked she does the same thing. I was pretty thankful to have cleaned up my room the morning before -thank you JP!

I’m trying to withhold my affection. Trying not to just display all my feelings, my excitement. I think I’m scared to try again, but this is just part of the journey, right? WEEWAH.

Just found out my neighbors have a new son! Things like this remind me that life is ongoing, flowing. I’m extremely happy to have found out.