I went to a party. Even the initial drive there was really unsettling… First this guy abruptly stepped out of his car out of nowhere to slap stickers all along a wall. I’m behind him, wondering what the fuck he was doing – his car is fucking parked in front of mine, on the open road in the right lane. Then we’re going again, and this other guy is driving weirdly. He’s swerving and braking randomly, switching lanes frantically. Turns out he’s getting handjob from some lady. And what do you know sticker guy and handjob dude create a blockade so I gotta chill behind them. Anyways, parking is impossible because everyone parks in a way so their family or friends can park there later. I park rather far, and out of nowhere this fucking grown middle aged man sobs in a way no man should be; it sounded like someone just cut off his arm. I walk by and he’s just drinking a beer with his friends. So I’m trying to find the party, and on the sidewalk there’s a dead cat. I hear sirens approaching. And I remember thinking I’m going to get mugged here.
Party was cool. Talked to some other writers, and it was really different being in their head space, talking about the creative process. I got too high, and left the party at 1 AM? Again, sirens going. This is when I realized I don’t remember the street I was on. I walked down the wrong street for 20 minutes, realizing this I turn back only to realize I was on the right street. I just walked past my car. Again, some random guy pulls up next to me and just screams FUCK at the top of his lungs. This was it! I was like this is it, someone’s going to mug me. I’m in boxing position, horrified, ready to fight for my life. He just drives away, slowly, as if he didn’t just do that… My heart is pounding, and I’m thinking my car got broken into, or someone had it towed. At last I get to my car and whatdoyouknow my phone died. So I’m just backtracking. Long story short, I’m alive; parties in the valley should be avoided at all cost.
I’m looking for someone who knows hurt like I do. That’s a weird thing to say. But I want someone not so innocent, someone who has looked deeply into herself and realized something abhorrent. But then again, happy is good too haha. I want to just be accepting I suppose. But maybe that’s just not who I am… Things are weird right now. I had this thought driving. It’s like we are predisposed to certain things. These things are of our interests, and they are almost like fate driven, something divine. We’re attracted to things that under the close scrutiny of a microscope were out of our control – our environment, our parents, our mentor figures, our mental state and well being. So we’re at the mercy of external factors, and that’s by default.
But then recognizing it is where having free will kicks in. And that’s something amazing. You’ve identified a problematic area and you work to counteract those impulses and default modes. You relapse, but then you keep pushing incrementally towards another version of yourself and that somehow changes you… I suppose here’s where I get caught in a loop between free will and fate. People can always argue that your change was fated, but I don’t know… I think one of my best qualities is my ability to change, and that was a brutal thing earned. The more people I meet, the more weird and different I feel. I’ve wondered if this is fucking vanity thing, but people have told me I’m unlike anything they know…
What am I saying here? I’m saying I’m lonely. This isn’t humble bragging. I’m saying… what if I’ll never find someone capable of understanding me the way I need to be understood. I mean I’m really complicated. There’s so many sides and personalities to me… to everyone. Of course, there’s always going to be a disconnect between two people no matter how familiar they become, and that bridge is probably impossible to build. WOOOO, anymore of this is detrimental to my happiness. Time to numb numb.